Viewport width =
August 11, 2008 | by  | in Features |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

The Great Wellington SUBURB Review

NEWTOWN…It’s kind of shit

Newtown is inhabited mostly by students, immigrants and criminals. This serves as a winning combination of real diversity – not the hipster bullshit you often see in the city centre. Newtown is known as the ‘arm pit of Wellington’ by many Harbour City residents due to its derelict buildings, pungent stench and increasing violent crime. Despite this, Newtown has a weird sort of charm… Kind of like an old mangy dog you want hug, but are afraid to for fear you will catch some strange mystery disease.

Attractions:

Newtown is home to Wellington’s rudest dairy owner. This man is so rude it is worth getting your arse on a bus and traveling all the way to Hall Street just to check him out. He will yell at you if you ask him anything. Questions such as “Hey did I leave my Eftpos card here?” and “How much is this?” infuriate him. The Hall Street dairy is also renowned for regarding the used by date on stock as mere guidelines. I have once been sold Milo that had been hanging around on the shelves for two years.

The hospital – No really. Wellington Hospital is situated on Riddiford Street and is one of the scariest places in Wellington. The tall looming grey building resembles a maximum security prison and has been recognized in national media for its incompetence – most recently in the maternity ward. A lone pro-life protester whose sanity is somewhat questionable can be found most days outside the entrance to the abortion clinic. He has all the appropriate posters but his creditability is somewhat tainted by the definite whiff of mania he has about him. If you love taunting people with principles I thoroughly recommend telling him to “Go protest at a cemetery and stop annoying the living” … the guy goes insane. Or look guilty and have an epic stare off with him. Trust me: he always looks away.

The Basin Reserve – Nothing beats running drunk across this field with equally drunk friends. To quote one of my wisest friends: “It’s actually quite liberating.”

The ZOO – Although it is full of misleading promises the Wellington ZOO is definitely worth the trip. You will see signs saying things like “Elephant House This Way!” The said elephant house is actually just a room with a fake elephant in the middle of it. One can only imagine my disappointment when I was made aware of this ludicrous display of false advertising. Despite its lack of any real elephants the Wellington ZOO is full of animals that will have you running around like a kid at a candy store. Otters, chimpanzees, lions, tigers and bears, oh my!

Poor Housing – Take a stroll around Newtown Park Flats area and you will experience Housing New Zealand schemes at their lowest. Also, you could get stabbed if you look at the residents of the flats funny.

Toothless slack-jawed individuals – Freaks flock together and strange looking toothless folk are all frequent in Newtown. My favorite off these Newtown residents would have to be ‘Andre the P addict.’ The guy is a walking anti-drugs poster with stringy long hair, a toothless grin and a continual ‘just got out of jail look.’ Andre has the libido of a 15 year old but sadly his efforts of getting the loving of a good woman are often thwarted by his general insanity. Andre will walk up to an unsuspecting girl and inform her on the problems of dealing and using P then proceed to tell her how “attractive she is.” Not a winning combination. He can often be seen lounging on a park bench muttering to himself or talking shit to the local bartenders of Newtown.

FBI – Not to be confused the “Federal Bureau of Investigation” of the even more notorious “Female Body Investigator.” The FBI in Newtown is none other than the new up and coming street gang “Full Blooded Islanders” yo.

KELBURN

Kelburn is an interesting mix of students and ‘young professionals.’ Young professionals is a term that covers many sins from lawyers to artists on the benefit (if you are a creative person you do not have to go on the unemployment benefit like everyone else who cannot get a job).

Attractions:

Take the tram up to Kelburn and witness one of the lamest attempts at a tourist attraction you will ever come across. Although the cable car is advertised to be this like so-out-ofbody historical experience, you will quickly notice that the cable car’s interior is painted wood colour to give the illusion of… uh…wood.

The Salient Editor’s House – So you know where to send your hate mail, panties, dragons and weapons of mass destruction.

Victoria University – It is debatable whether this is an attraction to Kelburn. While not as soulless as the Pipitea campus, Kelburn campus’s old rustic feel is beginning to become more shitty and old. Sometimes there are some pretty amazing things on at the Victoria Memorial Theatre but to attend them means walking on to the campus which is horrifying.

THE HUTT

It’s not a city – it’s a suburb. People from ‘The Hutt’ will try and tell you it’s a city in its own right. They will also try and convince you that ‘The Hutt’ is not all that bad. They are sadly misguided.

Attractions:

“Hutt Sluts” – You know the one I mean. They frequent the Grumpy Mole unless it is a special occasion, like a 16th birthday or a ‘fuck I think I’m pregnant’ drinks, and they make the trip to the ‘Big Smoke’ and get like totally maggot at Shooters. If you’re desperate take a short drive into The Hutt and some girl who smokes like a chimney and is as drunk as she is stupid will gladly give you a good rodgering.

Boy Racers – Every Thursday they assemble on the riverbank and show off their cars and their Hutt Sluts. Primo eh!? I wish I was from The Hutt.

KARORI

Blandness – Seriously it is so bland it is almost fascinating. It is the most damp, dank, boring suburb in Wellington. It is like the Elephant Graveyard in the Lion King – “You must never go there. Ever.”

Helen Lowry – One of the shitty excuses for accommodation that Victoria University puts first years in. The Hall management has been pushing the white Christian anti-sex agenda since ages ago. Seriously they take the condoms out of the O-week packs and they put Bibles in your rooms.

MOUNT VICTORIA

As a general rule the higher you get up Mount Victoria the higher the socio-economic status is of the suburb’s inhabitants. So if you’re short on cash and want to rob a secluded neighbourhood I would go for houses around the top of Mount Victoria.

Attractions:

Nooks and crannies – Mount Victoria would be the most fun to explore as it is not quite as mountainous as Brooklyn but just as easy to get lost if you have never been there before.

Self righteous joggers – Damn them and their finely tuned fitness abilities. Yeah we get it you can run all the way up to the lookout…You do not have to rub it in our faces. I especially hate when they are trying to pass you so they jog side to side like they’re trying to get in front of you. Then you try and be a good person by standing aside only to have them thank you with a disgusting air of self-righteousness.

The View – Clichéd I know but it is pretty spectacular on a fine day. I hear it is a good place to take a date so you can look out at night and get all lovey dovey and talk about the stars n shit. I hear it is the ‘Lovers Lane’ of Wellington so as a rule: “Don’t come a-knockin’ if the Chevy is a-rockin’.” Depending on who you associate with Mount Victoria is also connected to the acquisition and consumption of drugs.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments (45)

Trackback URL / Comments RSS Feed

  1. Hiedi Klumenberg. says:

    Jennifer Patelo……

    Yeah right.

    :p

  2. Brunswick says:

    Is there going to be a Pt. 2 to this? You haven’t given Brooklyn and Thorndon a good kicking yet.

  3. Meh says:

    Jennifer Patelo……Yeah right Jenna Powell. Another great feature.

  4. Jennifer Patelo says:

    Why won’t anyone accept I am a real person with an incredibly sexy italian last name!
    Jenna would never write this drivel…she would like totally be doing some serious journalism.

    Thorndom does need a good kicking…hard.

  5. Haimona Gray says:

    Thorndon 4 life – THC

  6. Gibbon says:

    Hmmm…

    recent comments:

    2,4,6,8 – Why’s our Hostel in Such a State?: Jenna Powell
    21 Aug, 2008 @ 3:41 pm

    The Great Wellington SUBURB Review: Jennifer Patelo
    21 Aug, 2008 @ 3:35 pm

    Olympic Tyranny: Jenna Powell
    21 Aug, 2008 @ 3:28 pm

    how odd that you posted right when the real jenna was active
    I am just a detective

  7. The "It's not worth it, eh" guy from that ad says:

    You can’t tell anything from that

  8. Michael Oliver says:

    Yeah, that’s just creepy, Gibbon. What the fuck, dude…

  9. Haimona Gray says:

    you’re abit odd Gibbon

  10. Jenna Powell says:

    Thank you for the close attention of my internet activity Gibbon. Was that you sifting through my trash yesterday?

  11. John Keys says:

    No that was me! I was looking for my moustache. The guy with 4 neutral feedbacks who bought it off Trademe for an unflattering $10.34 hasn’t been waxing it properly.

  12. Hereticus Imphysician says:

    Jennifer Patelo was hiding under your moustache?

  13. John Keys says:

    No, I was hiding in her bush, looking for my moustache.

  14. Jennifer Patelo says:

    Wasn’t my bush…I trim my hedges.

  15. get fucked patelo you are the one who needs a good kicking when u write drivel like the suburb review

  16. Jennifer Patelo says:

    I’m just happy I can provoke such hostility with a silly little article. My work here is done.

  17. Alumna says:

    How great that you’re so happy to provoko hostility Jennifer. Honestly why bother to write articles that you yourself consider “silly”? It is rather ironic to have statements such as “NEWTOWN…It’s kind of shit
    Newtown is inhabited mostly by students, immigrants and criminals” alongside an article on Kiwi racism. Acutally it’s more than ironic, it’s pretty awful.

  18. Michael Oliver says:

    Yeah, I expect more from our student med— hahaha, holy fuck I couldn’t type that with a straight face.

    People should probably stop taking articles like this this seriously. That, you douchebags, is embarrassing.

  19. Shitkicker McGee says:

    Alumna – do you even know what irony is? You fucktard.

  20. Dr. Peter Manglethwaite says:

    I find it ironic that Alumna doesn’t know what irony is.
    I thought that Jen’s description of Newtown, while short and sweet, was accurate. It is shit, and it is filled with students, immigrants and criminals.

  21. Jennifer Patelo says:

    Alumna:

    I believe it is you who assumed all the immigrants in Newtown were criminals…or that Newtown was somehow shit because of its international population. Newtown is shit for a great many reasons but i love it all the same. I never made the racist connection you are imagining. I appreciate your concern…Its awesome that people actually still care about that shit. But i feel your kind of misguided. Esp since you do not have a clear definition of irony. There is irony in this situation u just put on the wrong end of the stick my friend.

    And dude chill out…does my last name sound like a white breed New Zealand name? PATELO. Why would i hate on my own kind?

    Silly articles rule.

  22. Karl Bronstein says:

    pseudonym clusterfuck eh kids

  23. Karl Marx says:

    Tell me about it.

  24. Umberto Eco AKA Ron Marx says:

    wow the circle jerk continues

    the horror the horror

  25. The Undeniable Eric Shin says:

    What is a circle jerk? Is it like a whole lot of guys, who individually are OK, but when their powers combined they form like Voltron to create a Circle Jerk?

  26. Trig Palin says:

    No it’s not that Eric

  27. The Dark Knight says:

    Everyone who loves Newtown knows that it is the criminals, crazies, ferals, immigrants and students that give our suburb its flair.
    Thank goodness because otherwise we’d be just like Thorndon or Mt Vic.
    I’m an immigrant and the thought of living anywhere else in Wellington is unappealing.
    Has anyone seen the ‘Newtown… it’s a bit shit” t-shirt? I want one – and I loooove Newtown. I had an interesting discussion with someone who reckoned the t-shirt was nasty and offensive to Newtown. But hey – I know its a bit shit, and I’m loyal as to my suburb.
    Plus – we are home to People’s Coffee – which makes us AWESOME!

  28. Eleanor says:

    I miss People’s coffee and how long it took to get one as they were sooo slow and really stoned but it was really worth it when you got it!

  29. jewels says:

    Wooow,use to live in Newtown in the 1969s..Was a great place in those days.Can’t beleive what a trash hole its turned out to be…Great post

  30. MARINA says:

    Fuck wot u said bowt NEWTOWN.. Hu da fuck du u fnk u r yah fuckn bitch.. NEWTOWN aint no shyt plce.. Criminals? nah dey SOULJAHS protectn our Streetz.. Nd immigrants? Im pweti sure ur parentz r fuckn immigrants yah rat bag! U h8 newtown so muj y step n our hood 4? wifowt Newtown WELLY wil b nufng u fkn HATER.

  31. Makaveli says:

    Nd wot u said bowt da HUTT z true! FULL OV FUCKEN SLUTS HU WANA GET THEA INNS WID DA NEWTOWN BOIS.LOL. FUCK DA HUTT ND THEA BLOODS. FULL BLOODED ISLANDERS.FAMILIA.TOLU.VALU.IVA

  32. Sookie says:

    Marina and Makaveli should get married and live their beautiful life together.

  33. Wee Hamish says:

    Kia ora, unintelligible, illiterate, Google users. Kia ora.

  34. Brunswick says:

    They’re just ahead of the curve. We’ll all be writing like that by 2020. Which is why we should stockpile apostrophes, grammar, articles, conjunctions and syntax now. (Hint: apostrophes should be kept in an airtight container to prevent spoilage.)

  35. Makaveli says:

    Fuck you fagot.. What evr your fucken name z sookie. GOT SUCK UR BOLOS. KEFE. NEWTOWN WOTT

  36. FULL BLOODED ISLANDERS PRESIDENT says:

    why is it pepz like you gata ryt sheit lyk dat 4 bowt Newtown.. ? Newtown aint that bad t may full ov immigrants and criminals bt sdil majority ov pepz hu live thea r real. Dnt h8 bitch. Ur wanted bitch so watch ur bk. Im sure that elephant u went 2 c at the zoo was ur boy.. GO EAT SHIT U UFA.

  37. Wee Hamish says:

    How many electoral college votes does Newtown have in the Full Blooded Islanders presidential elections? Inquiring minds want to know.

  38. Eye guy says:

    WOT DA FUBK IS IT TO YEW. FUCK HU EVA WROTE DAT SHYT ABOUT NEWTOWN. PATELO LICK MY NUTS. YOU TEL ME WOT SUBURB YOU FROM? PORIRUA.HAHAHA

  39. West Coasta says:

    Hay fuk all youse cunts whose ragging on dis site. Youse all illiterate bitches. go fuk urselves and move out of ur trash hole suburbs and pull your bananas out ur ass biatches.

    Yeah you betta watch ur back or FULL BLOODED ISLANDERS PRESIDENT is going to come botty rape u slutz!

  40. huttr3p says:

    ^^^^^^^all above prolly some loser dole bludgers from town/ptown, get a job LOSERS

  41. Worlds Greatest says:

    FBI stands for Full Blooded Ikae’s, all of you Ikae’s go and brush your teeth immediately, and while your at it help yourselves out by getting a job……just words of advice k komos

  42. Negro wid At'i'chude says:

    World’s Greatest, haven’t you heard? There is a recession going on! Shit. There ain’t no jobs, let alone enough money in the kitty for toothpaste.

    Fuck all you bitches and hoes who don’t recognise the power of Hutt City. We going to fuck all you shit up. Rotary styles. Get outta P town and go back home.

    Laterz.

    T Shmizzle.

  43. kefe says:

    FBI 4life GzzZZ da Fuck UP!!!
    To many dogs bark but still dont bite.

  44. Well done Jennifer Patelo for an amusing, thought-provoking article containing much truth and wit. Good on you. Could be extended to include Tawa and Kapiti.

  45. WO7VHS says:

    “Small people think small”

    There are bigger things going on in this world than turf talk

Recent posts

  1. Turkish Red Lentil Soup
  2. Dragon Friends
  3. NZ Music Month
  4. Dear White People
  5. You’re Allowed to Watch Shit Films
  6. Flint Town: Season 1
  7. Sometimes It’s Too Cold to Go Outside
  8. Some Spicy AF Hot Takes
  9. Postgrad Informer
  10. Love Isn’t Real, Because You Aren’t Hard Enough
Website-Cover-Photo7

Editor's Pick

This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided