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September 15, 2008 | by  | in Features |
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How to be a Good Parent

The first thing you should do is get a gun. Guns are cool. You don’t want to be an uncool parent, do you? You don’t want to be one of those parents whose kids turn bright red introducing you to their friends, and putting all kinds of industrial metalworking objects through their faces to rebel against your nerdiness while you sit there watching Coronation Street and your kid is out having unprotected sex with Bret Michaels, do you? You don’t want them out in town every night listening to bands like Pukeface and Cannibal Spleen Explosion Massacre Punch Fart, do you? You don’t want your child coming home telling you that you have the fashion sense of a urine sample, or that even their friends’ parents are cooler than you, “and they’re Stat 193 lecturers.”
Of course you don’t. So get a gun.

MAKING YOUR KID BEHAVE: INTRODUCING PURITANICAL RELIGION

Now, you don’t want a bad sort of kid. You want a good kid, so call it something like Nigel or Cecil. Even if it’s a girl. The hassling will make it stronger, and it will eventually grow to love you when it gets out of rehab. It might get a bit messed up and join some wacky cult or something, but whatever, hang on a minute, The Office is on and Jim is taking the piss out of Dwight. Also Pam is a babe. She might just be able to have me if she plays her cards right.

So back to your annoying kid. And trust me, you will have to keep going back, usually during the night, and I’m not being sexist here, but this is a job for the woman of the household.

Now stop calling me a male chauvinist pig. I don’t even know what a chauvinist is. Do you? I would look it up right now, but He-Man is on, and those pink tights just crack me up. I wonder if He-Man wears pink tights so people hassle him and he just uses it as an excuse to open a can of whoopass on them like that guy off the movie Stickmen. So I am not a chauvinist, whatever it is.

But the women should be the ones getting out of bed to get the baby due to the biochemistry involved. As a biology student, let me explain this to you: Deep in the male psyche, what biologists call the “caveman” gene does its magic, which is to make the men do the even more important task of guarding the bed against roaming predators and barbarians. But the men do this job in such a way as to appear to be asleep to catch their prey off guard. Even when the women nag their menfolk that they’ve got the baby every time so far, the men must keep their snoring going, pretending to ignore their lady, yet stay actually wide awake. You have no idea how much pain is inflicted on the menfolk here. So the hunter becomes the hunted, and while the female is checking on the baby, the man is alert and waiting to pounce and engage his enemy in mortal combat by the practiced fluke of hitting square circle left left triangle R1 square X triangle right left square L2, making him ollie three-twenty out of bed, nose manual to the bookshelf, grind the chest of drawers, melon off the stairs, kickflip, revert, to kick some caveman ass –

FATALITY!

New Level Unlocked! Just like in the He-Man game where you are Man-At-Arms and you throw Beastman and Skeletor into the dimensional nexus at the end of level five.

THE FUTURE OF YOUR CHILDREN – SPANKING THEM INTO OBEDIENCE

You want a good obedient child, who is going to grow up to be a lawyer, a doctor, or even more prestigious, a drone for Salient. If you can work enough of the parenting magic that I’m about to teach you to make this happen, you can retire early and get into a top notch old folks’ home as your kid takes tip top care of you, unless your kid is a writer, in which case he or she needs to borrow some money. Right now. Last week, in fact. Well… not borrow.

So these days you’re not allowed to spank your kid. This means you need to get a good friend to spank your kid for you. This is all part of the government’s plan to raise employment. They sure think of everything, don’t they? Give your dole-bludging friend a few beers beforehand, just to get them in the mood, while you tell them all about the trauma your kid is putting you through (“I took her to the dentist last year!!”). Yeah, give them a few beers, and let them go to town with the little bugger. This is a good time to sit back and read the paper, knowing your kid is finally getting some discipline. You can relax and enjoy a job well done. And the government approves.

You can trust me, naturally. I’m very sensible. I am the ultimate in sensibleness, indicated by the fact that I don’t actually have any children. Ha ha! I am way too sensible for that crap. Why do you think, when you go telling people you’re going to have a kid, all the people that don’t have kids say “Oh wow, congratulations” and all the people that do have kids say “Ahhh, that’s you for the next twenty years.” And if you’re not a super good parent it could be you for the next thirty years, so you better just listen to my advice and get in the elevator, take the lift to the top, and ju – no don’t jump! I don’t mean that! You don’t want to jump! Of course you don’t want to jump!

Just look out over the city and see all the cool stuff you’ll be missing out on… the people having fun… laughing… that won’t be you… there… you feel that?… now you can jump.

So that was your first mistake, actually getting together to have a child, so you better pay attention because that was pretty dumb, but it doesn’t mean the situation isn’t rectifiable. There’s plenty of ways, there’s heaps of things we can do if… What? The child has been born? Well, in that case the situation isn’t rectifiable. So we’ll just do what we can…

Now you’d better start paying attention here.

DECISIVE PARENTING AND CAREER ADVICE: LIVING YOUR BROKEN DREAMS THROUGH YOUR KIDS

If your child is as clever as a potato, they could get a job at Studylink, or maybe even WINZ, but only if your child shows the intelligence of a particularly stupid potato, the kind of potato that couldn’t even pass the first Stat 193 assignment, you know, the one with all the weird looking capital E thingies on it. If your child shows a strong tendency towards nazism, and idolises historical figures like Hitler and Mussolini, enjoys killing and torturing small helpless animals, and has problems with kleptomania and loves taking money unjustly, then they have a bright future to look forward to with Wellington Parking and Infringement Services.

TALKING TO YOUR CHILD – THE THINGY TO SAY WHEN YOU MEAN WHATEVER IS RIGHT TO TALK STUFF ABOUT THINGIES THAT DO WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK IT TO A BUS

There’s a lot of people these days saying that if you are a father, you should tell your son that you love him. Well, that’s pretty gay. So don’t do that.

If your kid has glasses, zits, is useless at sports and is worried about being a nerd, just say “You’re not a nerd. You just look like a nerd.” And that will put it all in perspective.

And keep your child away from the harming influences of this cruel world. Actually, to be on the safe side, make sure your child has absolutely no contact with the outside world until they are, at the very least, in their mid-twenties. The film Bad Boy Bubby was a great example of this. Remember what great reviews that movie received? If you want critics to think as highly of your children as they did of Bubby, just emulate whatever you see on TV and movies.

HORMONAL EXPLOSIONS, DRUGS, KNOW-IT-ALL VIEWS ON POLITICS, MORE DRUGS, FRINGE MANAGEMENT, WAGGING, DRUGS AGAIN, NERDS, JOCKS, SKATERS AND HEAVY METAL – THE DRUGS TEENAGE DRUGS DRUGS YEARS DRUGS ON DRUGS

You have to be strict with teenagers, or they will start listening to The Cure, paint spiderwebs on their face, grow an unmanageable fringe, and hang round Manners Mall writing “lyrics” about the winter of sorrow and leaves falling on the girl in the forest, who cries blood in the darkness, and feels nothing. Then they will get busted when they stash their weed in a really dumb place, when they should have just given it to you to mind (wink), go to jail, and get spiderwebs tattooed on their elbows. The elbow is apparently one of the most painful places to get tattooed. Trust me, you don’t want your children going through that pain. That pain has wrecked countless families. Guidance counselors spend years helping young people come to terms with elbow tattoo pain. Nobody needs that pain.

UNCOOL FOR DRUGS ETERNITY, AEONS BEHIND THE DRUGS TIMES — LIVING WITH THE SHAME DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS OF A PARENT BY DOING YOUR KIDS DRUGS

So when you burst into your child’s bedroom one morning with a surprise breakfast, and see your child having wild monkey sex, shooting heroin, and snorting cocaine off strippers’ areolae with Bret Michaels, and you don’t quite know what to say, and your kid is cool as a cucumber about it, I mean they know sex positions that you and I have never heard of, like the Grotty Gareth, the Straddle-me-Nancy and the Who’s the Boss,* and Bret, you know, he’s all embarrassed that you saw his wee willy winkie and maybe it didn’t quite live up to your expectations, not that appearance is everything, I mean we all know it’s who you are on the inside that’s important, but hey, there’s a lot of hype here, but you know, maybe it’s a cold morning, or he just had a cold shower to cool off from all the wickedly hot sex he just had with five strippers and your kid, but both of you know it’s no excuse, and you go red as a tomato anyway, and a few minutes later you wished you’d gone “Yeah, score, Bret – dude!” and exchanged high fives as Bret tattooed his cellphone number, landline, agent’s phone number, and two email addresses on your child’s inner thigh, just remember whatever it was that I told you in the last few paragraphs; I would remember but Aqua Teen Hunger Force is on, and it’s the one where they grind Carl into bits in the mega-hyper-toilet, and remake him stuck to a tree and then again with eyes all over his body. After that, the one where Carl has the broom stuck up his bum the entire episode is on, and that one is awesome.

So of course, you and Bret and your child have a nervous breakfast, and Bret is kind of uncomfortable as he chows down on some stripper’s navel with his orange juice, and you are just so uncool and out of touch with the modern world that you ask Bret Michaels what he does for a living, and your child crumbles to the floor in embarrassment as Bret says he’s got a “gig” somewhere and has to “cruise” and his “private thousand seater jet” is packed to the hilt with “babes” and “booze” you should shoot him, because, let’s face it, he is a fucking cock.

*When one of you calls out ‘Tony Danza!’” during sex.

Guye Armstronge is a science student from planet Argronikron, north of the Euphrades. He is also a pelican flipper in a chocolate thingy.

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