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September 1, 2008 | by  | in Features |
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How to get a girlfriend

Men, so many of you simply don’t know the first thing about women of the opposite sex.

That’s why this column is extra hard hitting and controversial, it’s “In! Your! Face!” because a lot of you want girlfriends, but you don’t even know how to act maturely around the women of this planet. Today you are extra fortunate because I have spent hours researching the elusive topic of women. Once you have read this, you will know everything about women that I learned from watching reality TV, when the ads were on during the semi-decent shows. You will be a total ladies man.

Don’t worry about it. I’m very experienced with women. I have been on numerous dates, ‘scored’ a few times, and yes, because of my fierce loyalty to you all, I’ll be personal and intimate: I have even done wee-wees on a girl’s tummy button. If you didn’t know, ‘scoring’ is dating terminology for when you try to get a lady’s phone number, and she either a) gives you her friends number; or b) doesn’t call the police.

Now look here, men: I am a hard bloke. I’ve seen the Speight’s ads. I even walked past a Liquor King and saw a real live Speight’s can. Hey – I’m rugged. When I play Diablo II I am always a barbarian. I think winning is everything. I drive fast. I rev my car hard at the traffic lights. I always talk over the top of people. I like to beat up little kids. So there is no need to go questioning my manliness here.

But I do think a lot of us men could do with a bit of sensitivity training with regard to our treatment of women, particularly human women, of which there are some enrolled at this university.

“Well I sure don’t need any ‘sensitivity training’,” I hear you snootily say, as you try and turn the page.

HEY!!! DON’T TURN THE PAGE!!! DON’T YOU DARE TURN THE PAGE!!! THE WHOLE Salient STAFF ARE REACHING OUT OF THE PAGE TO BEAT YOU ROUND THE HEAD WITH PIZZA LEFTOVERS AND YOUR OWN BROKEN DREAMS IF YOU TRY AND TURN IT!!! DON’T TURN THE DAMN PAGE. MEN, YOU NEED THIS SACRED KNOWLEDGE!!!

So you think you know it all about female women, eh?

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!! HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND IN THE BATHROOM!!! AND YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT EVEN WEARING SUNGLASSES!!!

So you alone know how to treat the women with respect for the lactaty-boobs? What about the fellopio-bosom? What about the periodsex- gender? You probably don’t even know what that is, do you? Do you even know anything? First thing, men: Wear sunglasses. All the time. All cool men wear sunglasses. Like James Bond. This is why all the ladies love him – he wears sunglasses – even inside. So does the entire cast of The Matrix. And Keanu is boss, right? Word up to your mother, phat! Yo Vanilla Ice! Go ninja, go! So wear sunnies! I mean you probably don’t even own any sunglasses, do you? Get the ones with the infrared spy camera in them. Even better, get the ones that Predator has, and get a nerdy friend to hook them up to your shoulder missiles.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE SHOULDER MISSILES!!! WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING ARE YOU!!!

You see? This is what I mean! How are you going to chat up women without any shoulder missiles? And what are you doing hanging out with nerds? I’m not a nerd. I’m a warrior. A level 7 fighter wielding a +1 katana and a +3 mace, with only a -2 penalty on my to hit roll with my left hand. I have a THACO of 8.

So your first step, men, is to get some sunnies. Wear them in lectures. Wear them in the library. Rip the demister off the rear window from your car, and hook them up to that so they don’t fog up. Selotape a torch to them so you can still see, or wear a miner’s helmet. Get little windscreen wipers put on them so you can wear them in the rain. Get a nuclear reactor off the Turks and use that to power them. Get some slaves to work in the reactor. Pay the slaves well, and get them to go to empowering management seminars. Pit them against each other, make a TV show out of it, just make sure there is one who is really bitchy and backstabbing so you can advertise it well. Now you are a bigshot like Donald Trump! Are there many younger women hanging around? Of course there are! Are they trying to scam you out of all your money with good looks?

QUICK! GET THEM IN YOUR BATTLEMECH TARGETING SYSTEM AND SHOOT THEM WITH YOUR EYE-LASER!!!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE AN EYE LASER??!!!!

Ok, so you are obviously a primitive sort of man, not a futuristic neo-cyborgian warrior fighting for peace and justice in a post nuclear apocalyptic world of radioactive mutants, that have turned to evil for survival, like I am. The mutants, guided by a being known only as ‘The Master’ who is hellbent on world domination due to insufficient hugs from his mummy, needs to sit on my couch and talk it over while I polish my sunglasses. Two dice, a pencil, and an eraser are all I need to save the world! So I will explain: Watch a James Bond movie, and be just like James. Change your name to James.

HEY, MEN!!! THIS WILL WORK!!! MY FRIEND’S NAME IS JAMES, AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS IS A GIRL!!! SEE!!!

Now women: do you know how to tell when a man is ‘hitting on’ you? ‘Hitting on’ is a term we in the relationship guidance business use when we mean that a man is interested in your cute friend that he doesn’t quite have the courage to go and talk to directly and he is hoping you will introduce him to but there is no way in hell he is just going to ask outright so he is chatting you up instead. So, ladies, if a man is chatting to you and he’s being really friendly, don’t get confused – he likes your friend! Sadly, a lot of women make this critical error and think the man likes them. So to avoid this kind of mistake, you should always let women know what you think of them when you meet them. Be straight up with them. Be honest, men. Women respect that.

“Yeah, you’re about a 3 out of 10” is a good honest conversation starter.

“But Guy,” you say. “I’m hideously ugly and disfigured. I have warts on my sunglasses and my bum grows out of my nostril. What can I do to ensure a good quality woman gets me pregnant?” (Pregnancy is a state in the US where babies get made. It’s next to Kansas.)

Well, James, that is a good question. And hey – being THIS handsome, you would expect me to be at a loss for words. But I’m not. Remember the James Bond training! Whatever it is. I don’t know. I’m watching Survivor. Ha ha, the fat one is so hungry.

So what you ugly men with armpit-afros and big soggy man-breasts should do, if you are really overweight and you smell terrrible because there is too much of you to wash at one time, if your warts are oozing pus and you have a body covered with sticky sweaty pastiness, what you guys should do is this: Get your clothes off. Seriously. Let women know that you’re okay with your body. Let them know that you know the ‘inner you’ is what’s important. Sit in your lectures with only your knickers on and wriggle sexily. Do a little seductive lapdance in your chair, get those man-boobs ajigglin’! Rub your thighs, and lick your sweaty man-breasts while you burst your zits. It’s not a crime to love your body, dude! This will get you loads of women.

James, you’ve basically just got to treat a bitch with respect. “What if she rejects me though?” I hear you ask. Well that’s simple: If she rejects you, that just means she’s a lesbian, that’s all. And that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just between you and me there are loads of them around, I’m always asking out lesbians. They’re EVERYWHERE. But James, it’s nothing to get upset about. This brings us to the idea of no meaning no, okay? This simple concept is often ignored, and shouldn’t be. Hey! I mean it!

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FEMALE APPRECIATION: NO MEANS NO

Rule 1) “NO” MEANS “NO”!!!!!!!!!

I can’t stress that enough, men, no means no. No always means no, this is why you should be doggedly persistent in your lady-chasing, because if you can get her to say “no” twice, it’s a double negative and it cancels out the no, so it’s a yes! She said yes! Score! Now say ‘high five’ in the Borat voice!

WOMEN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

So. Women. What are these funny things called women? Let’s you and me investigate, using my Commodore 64. Exactly what is a woman? What does a woman look like? Where are they from? How do you tell them apart? What goes on in the female brain? What are the funniest pictures they like to download? What is the best fart joke to tell a woman? The one about the three men in a bar, or the one about the fat man with the colostomy bag? Or just let rip with a few farts and see if she is more like Terrance? Or Philip? How many fart jokes should you tell on the first date? Is it even possible to have too many fart jokes? Should you save your best fart joke to cap off the date? Or tell it at the start so she knows you have an awesome sense of humour? Should you tell her how boring your job is? Or how boring hers is?

Anyway, I hope you use my advice to your happiness and fulfillment. I’ve written this column for men who need to ask a lady out, but don’t quite know the correct technique, to ensure a one night stand. Incidentally, not all women are looking for one night standers. In case you didn’t know, a one night stander is someone who goes to a party and doesn’t talk to anyone, they just stand there trying to out-cool everyone else. Anti-social, huh? Some one night standers just spend the whole party texting on their cellphones. They usually don’t have many friends to text, but it does get the coolness factor pretty high up there.

Now ladies, if you are reading this, no offence or anything but I want to be alone with the men for a bit. And no, I’m not being sexist, I just think that us men need to talk about our vulnerabilities openly, because if you’re here we’ll just show off and act immaturely. So seriously women, turn the page and read the next article, or give this article to that man who’s strangely behind you all the time.

And no, this isn’t getting you back for third form health, when all the boys had to leave the room so you could all talk about us. I mean that was so long ago, I care so little about it, I can’t even remember. And no, it’s not so we can tell dirty jokes either. I mean, why do you think that we’re always being gross? You say that we’re immature, but just look in the mirror, yeah? Frankly, I’m getting a bit sick of the gender stereotypes here. So can you just give us some privacy, please?

WOMEN!!! TURN THE DAMN PAGE!!! NO OFFENCE, BUT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED!!!

Now men: you spent the first year of your life trying to get out of a woman, and now all of a sudden you want to get back in? Are you guys serious about this? I just need to see how committed you are. Okay. So all the women are gone? Okay, sweet. Now … okay, okay. Listen to this one. Okay, so why do women have legs? So when they fart, they don’t go shooting across…

HEY, LADIES!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!! THIS IS PRIVATE MEN’S SENSITIVITY TRAINING!!!

I’m slamming the door! Dammit, this is HELPING YOU, women! Okay, are they all out? Good.

ppppppppppfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffssssssshhhhhhhhttt!” Ahhhhhhhh, that is way better. Man, I had been holding that fart in for ages.

Yeah, that fart was backing right up my ass, man, I’m glad I got that sucker out. Make some room in there. Geez, man, some of those turds in there were cramping my style bad, man, like squishing into the sides of my bunghole real nasty and brown and yellow.

So now it is time for me to reach deep into the vault here in the Salient basement, where we keep the bodies of the really boring lecturers, and the annoying preachy vegan students with the terrible dress sense that inflict bright lime green and orange on us on a Monday morning when we’re barely awake. I mean how insensitive. You should never dress like this if you want women to chase you like you are Ricky Martin. Women like men who are snappy dressers. They like clever, intelligent, educated men who know a thing or two about stuff and whatchamacallits, you know, doofers and thingies. They like men with a bit of soul.

So you need to show women that you believe yourself to be equal to them – not inferior or superior, but equal. So a good thing to do, is to refer to your male friends as your ‘boyfriends’ – just like how women call their female friends their ‘girlfriends’ – this will show women that you consider both sexes to be equal, and you aren’t a bigot.

“I had a great time with my boyfriend last night,” you should say to the women in your missile lock. This lets her know you are available and sane.

So what else are women looking for?
Women are looking for bathrooms.

That’s right, bathrooms, yeah boyfriend, I went there. I DID say bathrooms. Have you noticed that women always go to the bathroom together with their girlfriends? Yes? See, they are looking for bathrooms! If you want to be a successful ladies man, you should spend lots of time in the bathroom. This will help you to understand women. You could also talk about bathrooms to a lady you just met and want to own.

“Me and my boyfriends just got extra hot in the bathroom,” you should say.

Or even “Me and all my hot boyfriends always hang out in public bathrooms.” Is she smiling at you yet? Are you feeling pretty stylish? You could also take a roll of toilet paper with you or put your willy in a copper pipe. Copper too cold this time of year? And maybe a short fella like you don’t need the extra shrinkage? Get some plastic plumbing fixtures, and dangle them off your nads – just tie them onto your pubes. You can be pretty creative here, bring the bathroom with you – attach a tap to each hand, maybe. Incorporate the bathroom into your clothing – wear a sink around your neck. Get a tradesman friend to put wheels on your bathtub and ride it down Courtenay Place, sit in it while you chat up women. Make some cool flowery socks out of your shower curtain and twinkle your toes at the talent. Women also like cups of tea, so put a teapot on your head. If you are just into casual sex, put your willy in a teapot as bait.

What about reading? You obviously can’t read a woman. But can women read? Apparently they can, and are now allowed to. They can vote, too. So what do they read? Well, as far as magazines go, you can’t beat Woman’s Day and Women’s Weekly. Any ladies man should always be reading one of these women’s magazines so he is up on the play with the latest Hollywood goss like TomKat and BrAngelina. So, as you go to the bathroom with your male friends, talk about the latest goss in women’s magazines in a slightly higher voice to lure women.

So what else do women want? It’s rather sad – a lot of men have problems committing. This is why they say marriage is an institution – you have to be committed. You should always tell women that you are committed when you meet them. “I’d sure feel right at home in an institution,” you should tell them. This is a particularly good pick up line. And you know how those American rap stars are always having loads of women hanging around them? Well you should tell women you meet that you are a rap artist in hot demand. “Yeah, I’m a wanted rapist,” you should say casually.

Clothing: Yes, men, take my advice, clothing is incredibly important for women, so make sure that when you go out on the town come Saturday night, you wear clothing. I can’t stress it enough. Army boots are good for a tough guy kind of look. If you are a really goodlooking man with a chiseled muscular body, you should wear heaps of layers of clothing so the women you approach will know you are a great dresser as well as having a great body. I would seriously recommend wearing a trenchcoat and a balaclava; and sunglasses of course. When you dress like this, you should approach tonnes of women, just make sure you go out alone on a dark night so none of your mates end up trying their own moves on the one that you want to own.

And if you want to stand out in the crowd, just stop wearing boring old black! Your clothing needs to get the ladies attention, so wear bright pastels, like pink, green, orange, violet, light blue. You’ll definitely get noticed wearing this kind of clothing, especially pink. Women love pink. Did you ever notice that young girls always wear pink? Hey, what are you doing noticing young girls? Anyway, we saw in the section on reading that women like reading magazines in a hair salon! So if you are really serious about attracting women, wear pink and become a hairdresser!

So you’ve spotted the woman you want to buy! Your heart is pumping! BOOM – boom BOOM – boom You’re about to ask her BOOM – boom BOOM – boom but you’re all tense and nervous BOOM – boom BOOM – boom and she’s walking toward the toilet BOOM – boom BOOM – boom – Okay, good, you’re wearing your army boots and sunnies! Quickly get your trenchcoat on! And your balaclava! Now chase her into the toilet! My eyes are welling up with romance, dude! Eh? What do you mean the police are coming?

So did you get her phone number? Dude, now say high five in the Borat voice! That’s called scoring! How does that feel? Oh, what, you’re asleep already?

HOW TO KISS A WOMAN SO SHE GOES CRAZY WITH PASSION

So you’re at the party, you’ve got the teapot on your head, your army boots, trenchcoat, balaclava, and your sunglasses on, and you’ve spotted the woman you want to buy. So seal the deal with a kiss! So she’s across the room from you. Here is how to kiss her, and fill her with fiery lusty yearnings: Activate your Long Range Radar so you can log her coordinates into your mission database. Now open your mouth, poke out your tongue, close your eyes – and charge at her! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGE! Wow! What a kiss! I bet she’s never been kissed like that before!

And if you’ve been slow-dancing and you think some sweet nothings are in order, why, my friend, it’s as easy as slopping your willy in her ear. So she probably thinks you are sporty. Women love sporty men. So read her the sporting stats off some Tui bottles, then back up to the other side of the party for a second kiss run-up.

NOWS THE TIME TO SHOW HER THE TAPS YOU HAVE TIED TO YOUR WRISTS! CAN SHE SEE THE BASIN YOU’RE SITTING IN?

There! Does she like you? Of course she does! You’ve got taps tied to your wrists! Wow! You probably go to the bathroom! With other men! You do? Yeah!!!! She’s in with a grin! You’re the chosen one!

Guy Armstrong is a beanbag and a horse dimension. And a ninja turtle. Shredder. And Raphael. Although he doesn’t have any diseases.

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Comments (9)

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  1. “because if you can get her to say “no” twice, it’s a double negative and it cancels out the no, so it’s a yes!”

    “If you are just into casual sex, put your willy in a teapot as bait.”

    “it’s as easy as slopping your willy in her ear”

    Fuck I love you Guy. Do you want to make babies together? I can’t wait to hear/read the feminist reaction. Damn them with their political correctness.

  2. Nick Archer says:

    Good article, love that kind of funny shit, real laugh how desperate some people are out there…

    As some more useless seedy underground subculture come pop culture research I’d suggest reading The Game by Neil Strauss (filled with heaps of divorced irony), it is a real hoot, reading this article reminds me of that book i.e. the management seminars sound just like the how to attract women ones… It is a book about a Rolling Stone Journalist who infiltrated the Pick Up Artist community (you know those once obscure ads in New Truth that are now turning up on Facebook) and got seduced by it and ended up as a PUA guru himself, the flamboyant self styled guru Mystery set up a mansion in Hollywood called Project Hollywood that kind of went downhill when Courtney Love moved in… He now even has his own reality TV show called The Pickup Artist (wish it was on E! as it would be slightly more interesting than Girls of the Playboy Mansion) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq3fTXvCkS0

    Also you’ve gotta love Tom Cruise in Magnolia (reportedly inspired by Speed Seduction Guru Ross Jeffries), “Seduce and destroy…” where he gets gamed by an interviewer who breaks down his ego…

    I bet this article will end up on the PUA internet forums and notice boards kind of like How to Do Pole Fitness still gets comments from those in that sub community…

  3. derekguy says:

    Also read “Rules of the Game” by the same author, this article was hilarious to read though my eyes were bleeding by the time I finished.

  4. Michael Oliver says:

    what wacky satire

  5. jacob smith says:

    “call boys your boyfriend”

    i stopped reading from then onwards…

  6. Guy says:

    Cheers for the support dudes, I’ll check those books out.
    Man, this teapot is itching my balls.

  7. morgs says:

    what if i want to pick up a half vietnamese, half kiwi man? Or a half man half woman man?

  8. Moomama says:

    Just come 2 Mamma boys…. yum yum yum! If you are a big scrapping Farmy boys I wants to know u! Kumera Kumera Kumera!

  9. Guy A says:

    Hey boyfriends! Who wants to come into the bathroom with me for a cuppa?

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