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September 29, 2008 | by  | in News |
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Ranfurly Shield returns after 27 years in provincial wilderness

Wonders if “blanket boy” is still hanging around

After twenty-seven years of relatively mediocre tenures by lesser provincial unions, including North Harbour, the Ranfurly Shield, regarded by many to be this country’s premier rugby prize-piece, finally returned to the capital following Wellington’s rampant 27-0 defeat of Auckland last weekend.

The Lions, touted as favourites by fans, the TAB and that guy who called up Radio Sport to bitch about Graham Henry but kinda got sidetracked, were positively ruthless in dispossessing the log of wood from the finely manicured fingers of its former holders.

The five-try rout was Wellington’s eighth successive win this year, not only cementing its position at the top of the Air New Zealand Cup table, but adding weight to the argument that only the warlock-style trickery of a bunch of squally bottom-feeding second tier unions had allowed the shield to remain out of the Lions’ clutches for nearly three decades.

Wellington last won the Ranfurly Shield in 1981, beating a Waikato team comprised entirely of dairy farmers and the mentally deranged 22-4, but unfortunately fell afoul of the aforementioned curse, losing the shield to a godless Canterbury in 1982, 16-12.

Many believed the shield would never return to its rightful home, including a lion at Wellington Zoo.

“Yeah, the pride and I were talking about this last week over lamb cutlets, actually,” he told Salient.

“We didn’t think we’d ever see it again.”

“Fucking warlocks. I swear to Mufasa, if I see that Rafiki asshole waving his Cantab-red ass at me again, I swear to god, I’ll Simba him so bad, man…” threatened the lion, all lion-like.

The Lions will have already defended the shield against Tasman by the time this issue of Salient hits the stands, but we can only assume a handsome beating was dealt out and that the geographical area at the top of the South Island broke away from the mainland and floated absently out towards Australia in complete and utter embarrassment.

You keep all your money in a big brown bag inside a zoo, what a thing to do…

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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

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  1. Michael Oliver says:

    Lord almighty, if that’s how we’re going to play now that we’ve got the shield, then send the damn thing back. Never thought I’d have a heart attack worried that Tasman, Tasman, would beat us.

    I mean, nevermind the fact that it would’ve rendered this article completely bloody useless on several levels, but fucking hell, Tasman?! You’re havin’ a laugh.

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