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January 15, 2009 | by  | in Online Only |
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One thing we can all agree on: Mark Lundy sure is fuckin’ fat

News arrived this week that convicted murderer, sporter of oversized “old person” glasses and noted speed racer Mark Lundy would be launching an appeal against his conviction for brutally murdering his wife and daughter in 2000.

This comes hard on the heels of North & South magazine’s intriguing expose into the double-murder, which points to a number of interesting titbits of evidence that may in fact be indicative of Lundy’s innocence.

It’s a point of view hardly shrouded in the fog of quiet intrigue, as a number of different sources have noted the relative “impossibility” of Lundy being capable of travelling from Welly to Palmy to slice-n-dice his wife and daughter, before scootin’ back 2Fast2Furious styles to get his dick serviced by a professional sexual mechanic.

It is perhaps best left to the courts – should the appeal gain traction – to toil through the screeds and screeds of G-rated evidence . Some will suggest that this traverse down justice lane is a waste of time and that the police case against Speedy Mark was watertight. Others, more sympathetic to Lundy’s cause, will hold the crown’s inconsistencies to heart while steadfastly maintaining that the former Gang Show superstar is innocent.

But in the cooling winds of a coming shitstorm ready to saturate the better minds of all involved, there is one thing both sides of the Lundy coin can agree on without delusions: Mark Lundy is incredibly fucking fat.

I mean, for the love all god, this man is fat. Christ on a cracker, this man… this cattlebeast of a homosapien… this Hindenburg for the Jester’s Pie generation… this emphatic tour de force of flesh is unbelievably fucking fat.

I doubt that many people can comprehend the severity of this man’s personal presence. The man may or may not be a double axe-wielding murderer, but there can be no doubt in anyone’s mind, tainted as it might be by the scourge of subjective opinion and loungechair jurisprudence, that Mark Lundy, convicted murderer, is fucking fat.

Lemme tell you about my favourite Blur lyric of all time. It comes from the titular track of their album “Park Life”, and goes a ‘lil something like this:

“WHO’S THAT GUTLORD MARCHIN’? YOU SHOULD TRY CUT DOWN ON YOUR PORK LIFE, MATE! GET SOME EXERCISE!”

So tickled was I by the noun “gutlord” that I decided to conjugate it into the verb “to gutlord”, meaning, naturally, to move in a state of fat-like existence upon this earth.

In light of Massive ML’s rolly-polly return to the headlines, I’m overcome by the need to scratch my Britpop inspired verbage and replace it with the locally lovable “to Lundy”. When used in a sentence, it may look like this:

“So, I was hanging outside Kirk building, right, when I saw this goddamn man mountain just Lundy all over the place.”

(past progressive)
“OMIGOD, so, like Stacey and I were dancing around in a little circle where our purses were, like, and then this fat fuck was all Lundying it up next to us, like, trying to krump. And we were like ‘Stop Lundying, you fucking fatso, fuck!”

“So-ah, you joined mah gym to werk out, mmm? I command vous to stop this Lundy vight now! Hans Strongman will remove ‘dees breasts with the MIGHT of his powerful solaaar plexes. Watch them can-can, puny human.”

Etcetera, etcetera.

So, irrespective of what happens when the Court of Appeal adjourns to consider flubber-dubber pot roast’s innocence (should things progress that far), I move that Mark Lundy’s notoriety – namely his protruding brisket – transcends the realms of guilt and innocence, prison and freedom, justice and injustice.

Forever may the verb “to Lundy” be scorched upon the fields of our everyday lexicon – a tasteful droplet of Kiwiana for a thirsty country eager to twist the English language for its own bastardly means.

Try it and see how many friends you make.

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About the Author ()

Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (69)

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  1. Jackson Wood says:

    It’s not news. It’s Salient.

    I reckon he could have traveled that fast.

    It is basic physics (well at least my warped 7th form understanding of it).

    The bigger the mass the more inertia an object exerts and the harder to slow down. Also he exudes more gravity because of his rotund mass. This means he was actually pulling his destination towards him. Seriously, you speed up close to the speed of light as you start coming alongside the event horizon.

    Mass x Speed x Gravity = Mark Lundy^2

    I call this the Lundy Effect.

  2. Mark Lundy comet streaking across the sky

  3. Jackson Wood says:

    2009 is the International Year of Astronomy!

  4. Rory’s got mad skills – do you think I could commission him to draw/photshop/MSPaint Mark Lundy as a comet streaking across the sky? Because that would be the most ridiculous fucking shit of all time, and I must have it for my wall.

    Also, 2009 is the year Salient reaches out to members of the convicted murderer community. :)

  5. Peter Manglethwaite says:

    Lundy is innocent. I know the guy from a part time job I had in the early nineties. He wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was sitting on a cheeseburger he was eating. Which if you eat at McDonalds might be a reality.

    On the off chance he is guilty he deserves to be thrown in gaol. He should have just strangled the prostitute. That’s what I do.

  6. Mark Lundy says:

    Hi Michael,

    I’m glad that you wrote this article. It just goes to show all the misinfomation that is being spread about me.

    With wanton disregard for any facts you create this fiction, in which the only problem you can find with me is the fact that I am slightly rotund.

    The fact is I am innocent, which is why I am seeking an appeal, as is my legal right; to clear my name in a court of law.

    I will be seeking legal advice about this post and I look forward to suing you soon.

    M. Lundy

  7. Oh… my… god…

    … they have WIFI at Paremoremo?

  8. Mark Lundy says:

    Hi Michael,

    We actually have fixed line broadband. I have an Ethernet port right next to my cot. It is annoying because that little clip on top of the cable has snapped off and whenever I rest my Dell laptop (standard prison issue, 1.8 GHZ processor, 525MB of ram, running XP) on my stomach, the cable has a tendancy to slip out.

    Which it quite annoying when one is trying to video chat ones lawyer.

    M. Lundy

  9. Brunswick says:

    Kia ora, new content, kia ora.

  10. Joe Rick says:

    The fact he is so fucking fat is what has absolutely convinced me he’s innocent…and a few other things which ill comment on later but first.
    The thing is that in this country the pigs are fucking useless bastards at anything other than issuing tickets for mostly petty revenue gouging traffic offences that they fuck-up every single fucking high profile murder case…without exception. The one and only one they claim to have won was the pedophile Jules one which they had as usual initially fucked up and let the perpetrator go…this was uncovered by DNA…not by the piggies…a scientist using DNA!! Then they have the fucking cheek to claim they solved it. remember the countless others – arthur allan thomas, john dougherty, the guy in nth auckland, etc etc
    Back to the Bundy case. What worries the shit outa me is that if an innocent person was/can/may be involved in a murder incident, chances are the pigs will fit the case up around you. Say you are a witness or stumble upon the dead remains of a loved one then chances are piggy will be eyeing up the first live person as the number one suspect! They said this in the Bundy case! he was trheir number one by hook or by crook!
    In the Bundy case the 4 most blatant areas of shit evidence presented by the porkies are.
    1. The so-called brain tissue. This minute speck on his t shirt which the so called witness said he wasnt wearing was so compromised by water etc etc he is not credible in any court in the world. In addition there are so much other variables with this garment it isnt even worth mentioning them all.
    2. The speed trip there and back. Absolutely fucking impossible to do the times even with a racing car on a racing track let alone during rush hour one way and then normal etc etc slow mongrel drivers etc. AND he then RAN a total of 1000meters at full gallop???? absolute crap the guy has a fucked handicap foot and is so fucking fat he cant even wipe his arse properly let alone do two 500 meter sprints before and after a brutal energy sapping murder and then drive there and back at 120km every single km? bullshit!
    3. The daming one of all..The time of death. The food in stomach which was used to establish time of death is completely unusable as a credible method for determing the time of death the world over. Once again no other court in the world except fucking new zealand is this acceptable as evidence to convict a man.
    4.Blind Faith. The fucking absolute blind faith, little country mentality, that new zealanders have about their pigs and justice system. This is the one that gets me the most…its bad enough that we have inept brainless, useless, fuckwit cops who time and time again fuck-up all high profile murder cases but we have a citizenary that goes along with the bullshit and perpetuates the third-world service we get. Fuck-me-days the arse-holes leave bodies on the side of the road, run teenagers over in carparks, put on monkey suits and machineguns and terrorise maori school childeren in the Ureweras, shoot dead an out-of-it boy with a golf-stick, plant bullet cases to convict a man, highest numbers per-capita of alcoholics and pot smokers, average IQ of 75, disturbing number of misuse of power to get sex outa women…we are fucked. National like Labour is increasing their numbers so that we will get even more fat-arsed doughnut eating cretins sitting in cars on the side of the road, per-capita then in any other country in the world. Right now the artificial high numbers that we have compete with each other for the cars, have very little to do other than traffic and the training is so second rate that very few high level crime is even actioned let alone solved. The ones with any brains soon tire of the rigid hiearchy and leave or simply early retire their brains other just take it out on the small time crims with vicious methods of arrest and detention.
    Now tell me Bundy is even HALF GUILTY?

  11. Joe Rick says:

    LUNDY not BUNDY !!!! fuckme im as bad as they are with evidence

  12. Mark Bundy drops in on the Bundy family.

    Al Bundy: If you’re gonna chop up the wife, you’re gonna have to carve off the fat before serving her.

    *obnoxious hooting from audience*

    Peg Bundy: It’s alright, Mark. Al doesn’t know much about large cuts of meat anyway.

    *audience oooooooohs*

  13. Jackson Wood says:

    That just said all the things I wanted to say to Michael about this case.

    Joe Rick, I like your style, do you want to write us something about the case? You seem passionate and well informed. Maybe we could turn this in to a police-fuck-upery issue. Yes…

    Email me: jackson@salient.org.nz

  14. I’m just going to stick to lobbing tomatoes from the sidelines. It’s far more interesting.

  15. But Joe Rick’s post was p. interesting, if not a little ranty. If he could refine it a tad it’d be ace.

  16. Jesus Toblerone says:

    JR- Wasn’t up to the Court to convict- was up to the jury. We don’t know what weight they gave to whatever facts the prosecution raised or even the defence for that matter.

  17. Mark Lundy says:

    One thing we can all agree on: Michael Oliver sure is a fucking dickhead.

  18. Wee Hamish says:

    yeah what a fuckin spazznuts you are oliver

    fancy taking the piss out of a convicted double murderer

    the FUCK is wrong with you

  19. Peter Manglethwaite says:

    I think it is a disgrace that we have such a fat person in gaol.
    Surely he should be breaking rocks or something. I ain’t never seen a fat person breaking rocks, which is why we need to institute hard labour for all offenders.

    I propose that the government invests a couple of hundred thou into purchasing a series of exercycles which can be used to generate electricity. Have the prisoners put on a rotating roster whereby the spend 12 hours a day cycling.

    Totally renewable. We get value for money. We don’t have to worry about water shortages. Very low carbon footprint for all you psycho green fanatics out there. At the same time we don’t have fat fucks like Lundy being so fucking fat.

    Even better, load ’em up on P and they can do 48 hour stints.

  20. Gibbon says:

    oh peter

  21. Gibbon says:

    why so blue

  22. Mar Lundy says:

    Just popping out for some burgers, be right back….

  23. u2 – lundy bloody lundy

  24. FACTUAL Committee Member says:

    Read the North and South article,make up your own minds but leave the insults and weak attempts at humor out of a serious situation.
    To the editor of this sight I suggest you remove the comments by whoever it is claiming to be Mark,as the pitiful attempt to portray hinself as Mark falls well short.
    Thank you.

  25. Jackson Wood says:

    FCM: No reason to to censor just because people are stupid. Now if they were putting us in legal danger I might think about it. If I started down the dirty spiral of moderating every comment on the basis of its merits then about 98% of comments (this one included) would probably need to be taken off.

    I like free speech. I encourage intelligent debate. But sad fact is, most of our readership (that bothers to comment) is just not that intelligent. The pseudonym Mark Lundy is entitled to his free speech, just as you are.

  26. I wonder what FACTUAL Committee meetings are like…

  27. The FACTUAL Committee website is an interesting read, despite how creepy their choice of background image is (“FACTUAL” is an acronym for “For Amber and Christine, the Truth Uncovered About the Lundy’s”, by the way, and we’ll forgive the misplaced apostrophe just this once).

    That, and the N&S article certainly do raise a number of questions that those with ‘dem legal thingamajigamas – degrees, I believe they’re called – should have a gander at. But until such a time as all legal avenues have been exhausted and ML has been acquitted in a court of law, he’s ripe for pisstaking.

    Hell, David Bain’s still the prime suspect in the murder of his family, but that didn’t stop this country’s news media from doing HILARIOUS things like dressing him up in a stripy jumper just to get a few crackup candids for their front page spread.

    If we can’t take potshots at convicted murderers, then whom should we aim for?

  28. FACTUAL Committee Member says:

    Hi Michael , Thanks for the reply and fair enough. Talked to Mark and he said if he was in your position he would take the piss as well.
    FACTUAL Committee Member

  29. Kia Ora, sanctioned pisstaking, Kia Ora.

  30. Psychic says:

    Lundy is absolutely is a pathological killer ; murdered his own wife then his baby – the criteria of a pathological killer could have been totally written for him .
    So, do not be deceived!
    True to form, this murderere has convinced himself that he is innocent. Thus is the mind of a patholgical murderer

  31. He’s also really fuckin’ fat.

  32. Rob says:

    Money problems can make monsters out of normal men.
    They also assumed he went up state highway one at high speed.
    I think the back way through the wairarapa would be faster.
    There is a lot of straights and backroad bypasses where you can do huge speeds with a lot less traffic.
    Im sure Lundy would know them as a travelling salesmen.
    He had the motive and the jury made the right decision in my view.
    P.s,i doubt he is as fat now with the prison food!

  33. Flo says:

    You know this is the kind of quality journalism that papers here in the U.K are missing. For starters basic grammar and syntax are necessary for a well written article, as well as poignant subject matter and a ‘makes you think’ type of attitude…

    While your article possesses few of these it is still about a zillion times better than the FUCKING SUN.

    Thank you, that is all.

  34. That’s fair enough – I counted three punctuation errors in your comment, all comma-related, but commas are commonly uncooked and casually cocked up, so it’s neither here nor there really, is it?

    The Sun publishes the results from professional wrestling shows as if professional wrestling was a real sport. Salient needs to brush up on its John Cenas and Randy Ortons, evidently.

    (Mark Lundy is fuckin’ fat.)

  35. Guys and gals, thoughts on Randy Orton winning the “Royal Rumble”?

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/wrestling/article2173910.ece

  36. Flo says:

    Damn Comma’s… I hate them so.

    Thank you Mr Oliver, without you the world would not even be safe from the likes of would be grammar critics who foil in their own patch.

    I salute you, and yes the Sun IS THAT BAD… News of the World is worse, I’m not quite sure how, but it is… at least lil’ ol’ New Zeelund doesn’t have papers that are media wings for political parties… well, that is to say not quite so blatantly so.

    Ah how I miss 3 news. They really GOT the news you know.

    mercilessly yours.

  37. Alistair Wilkinson unironically rules. You can tell he thinks everything’s a joke.

    TV 1 has better looking reporters, though, it must be said.

  38. hungry says:

    is this meant to be funny?

  39. Wee Hamish says:

    hungry is fat

  40. Gordon from Glasgow says:

    Wee Hamish is a coont of a child. Always fooking crying cos ‘es ‘ungry or shat ‘im’self. Well I tell you what boy-o. I cannae take it anymur.

  41. Wee Hamish says:

    yoo an hungry are cut frum the same cloth, dahd, you feckin’ outdoor dunny. bite me pimply scootish arrrse

  42. Gordon from Glasgow says:

    If ‘ah wasnae on all these fookin pain meds I’da coome spank ewer pimply scootish arrrrse. Fook. When ewer muther gits home from ANZ, I’ma git her ta lay tha loorrrre doon scots style.

  43. Wee Hamish says:

    I’ma kill yew in yer sleep, pop.

  44. katie says:

    I dont think he is actually fat anymore?

  45. corey stopforth says:

    mark isnt a big man anymore
    i was most recently in prison with him and spoke with him, he isnt a negative person never argued. without meeting him i had a far different opinion then how i was led by the media. for the brutality and nature of the crime i believe he didnt commit this offence.
    Hes a down to earth joe average plesant kind of person, i hope he gets found innocent

    its easy to judge him as a psycho with the manipulated media stories we all hear, there is always untrue gossip added in every good story

    i have simpathy for all parties involved with what happened but i do not believe this man is guilty

  46. Lundy Lover says:

    FACTUAL – Fat Arsed Cunt That U Are Lundy

  47. shelly says:

    I believe he did it. Anyone see the investigator last night. The dumb ass Asian who testified the time of death was 7pm was a complete idiot. It is a fact and accepted worldwide that digestion of food is a totally inaccurate way to determine the time of death. they did not go to bed after they ate their giant feed of McDees, that would mean she ate the Mcdees, cooked a batch of muffins and her and chuba chub child were in bed asleep by 7pm, oh and she managed to take a call at 6.56.

    Crap, the fat bastard had his hooker and then drove in the dead of night to axe his family to death.

    GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

  48. Something Big is Coming says:

    500…

  49. towradgi says:

    shelly – your point of view may be valid but your rascism is not.

  50. Shelly says:

    Oh so stating someone’s ethnic origin now constitutes racism, my bad, I did not know.

  51. towradgi says:

    yes it does, you fuckin bigot, because a person’s ethnic origin, declared within the context of a negative comment made about them, implies that it has something to do with said ethnic origin. people like you disgust me. use your fucking brain.

  52. Shelly says:

    It would only be negative if I was making negative connotations about the race, which, I was not. Perhaps I stated his ethic origin simply to identify him. If I had said something like, Asians are culturally ignorant, they spit, they drive badly, they often sell food past it’s used by date and they tend to inflate their prices, that might be a bit bigoted. But I digress, this is about Lundy and this thread has negative connotations about fat people, which you seem to think is ok, it’s not about Asians.

  53. Something Big is Coming says:

    Lundy sure is fucking fat

  54. towradgi says:

    mjo.

  55. Something Big is Coming says:

    hello

  56. Myk says:

    The guy who tested for brain tissue,this was the first and last time that method has been implemented.As this was the most definite piece of evidence to convict Lundy,if he wins any appeal rights,the prosecution could be hard out maintaining this conviction.As for Lundy’s conviction,I don’t know as I didn’t here all the evidence presented,and don’t like making a judgement when not knowing all the facts.

  57. Shelly says:

    What will be contested if there is an appeal, is the time of death. Clearly he couldn’t have driven the distance in 3hrs, therefore, if he did it, it wasn’t at 7pm. There’s enough evidence to prove that the time of death was not 7pm.

  58. Myk says:

    The timing was wrong,no way could the wife an daughter be in a deep sleep 4 minutes after a phone call taken.Then the prosecution had a witness who was not mistaken the man she passed after 7 was Lundy,going back to his car from the scene.So if now the prosecution accept 7pm was not the time of murders,surely their case must be lost forever.What do they do,their main witness in identifcation of Lundy becomes useless,oh we’ll go with the investigator’s timing,between 2-7am.Now we’ll go out and find some people drifting around the area at that time,tell them what we want to hear,and try again.Whether we like it or not,this is starting to sound more like the other cases in the media.I wonder if the Labour Party’s abolishment of the Privy Council (allowing any appeal by Lundy to have less chance of succeeding)had any influence on evidence they produced against Lundy.Because there would be more likely less chance for 5 NZ high court to allow an appeal,than Privy Council judges who know nothing about the trial.As much as we are outraged with this tradgedy,the accussed is entitled to any doubt of evidence produced against him.Like David Bain,only Lundy knows if he committed the crime.

  59. Shelly says:

    I think Lundy did it, who else would have done it and why. Like a burglar is going to axe two people to death, one being a 7yo child and then run off with just a jewelry box, I don’t think so!

    I think he drove back after he was done with the hooker and did it.

  60. Something's Coming Fast says:

    Get ready.

  61. Myk says:

    Shelley,your possibly correct,but my point is the prosecution case I thought was built around the time span to digest the food,and 7pm,as they had a very reliable witness who knew and saw Lundy returning to his car around 7.05pm.I’m no lawyer,but I can’t see on the above evidence, how when found guilty the prosecution(if Lundy gets an appeal an succeeds)can do anything except walk away with there faces covered in egg.The prosecution can only have one chance at charging Lundy,and like your suspicion of the timing of the tragedy,the prosecution(if appeal successful)can’t turn around and say,yeah,we”ll go with that time now as it makes the time(wgtn-wgtn)more feasible.It’s just I think I recall quite a bit of weight was put behind the above-mentioned witness’s.I don’t know,I’d like to think Lundy did it,but if Lundy’s defence managed a retrial,I can clearly see it becoming”Beyond Reasonable Doubt.

  62. Hank Scorpio says:

    Real downer to think our police keep messing up these high profile cases.

    Bain, Lundy, Kahui, Watson…

    Something big better be coming.

  63. Shelly says:

    MYK, I do agree with you, it will be difficult and you are correct. But the person who claimed to able to determine time of death by digestion, was incorrect. It has since been proven this is an extremely inaccurate way to determine TOD.

    Proving time of death shouldn’t be tricky but proving he wasn’t in his hotel at time of death is quite another. I’m sure they can prove the family died within 1-10hrs of consuming their last meal, but I don’t know that they can prove Lundy’s movements during that time period.

    My only comfort is that he’s at least served time for a crime I believe he did commit.

  64. Myk says:

    If he.s guilty beyond any doubt,I hope he’s demolished inside for what was done to the innocent two.

  65. Mork Mindy says:

    It is little known that in actual fact the Lundy family were in the mob. The hit was ordered I tell you. Lundy was driving back to intercept the assassin but even he kept this a deep secret because to expose the location and operation of the central north island Sicilians would bring a curse raining down hard on all Lundys, everywhere, for all eternity.

    The Bela fits: for what motive exists for someone to brutally murder a fat middle aged woman and her average daughter, in a house with little in the way of valuables?

    It was the Mob, I tell you, the Mob, and Lundy is a hero – a secret kiwi hero. He was going to take the Mob down from inside I tell you, but now his family have been murdered, he must keep silent to protect his extended family, and can only drill slowly through his prison wall with a small rock pick. When he makes it through he will escape dramatically and wind up in the cook Islands. Eventually his long time prison buddy, an old Maori fella, will come join him and together they will ride away into the oceans on a little wooden boat.

    Without the Mob being involved, the story makes no sense. It leave open the possibility that Mark was the only person who had a motive out of the perhaps two dozen people his wife knew… unless it was that old bitch at the garden centre…

    But no. It was the Mob I tell you. Mark is a hero! One day the truth will out, as it has following the recent retrial of David Bain….

    Hilary is dead. Bain and Lundy now stand together as beacons in a sea of injustice. Guide us!

  66. Phoenix says:

    His whole “my family have been killed” when he was only ever told that there was one suspicious death? (not the direct quote but that’s the gist). More than a little suspicious?

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