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March 30, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fashion connoisseurs and anyone with a pair of working eyes have come out vehemently against a 20-year-old Everton Hall resident for sporting a skimpy black dress when she clearly doesn’t have the legs for it.

Julia George, a Media Studies and English major, came to the attention of a number of kingpins in the fashion industry when she sported a flirty black number out into town following a friend’s flat warming.

Designer Augsto De la Marge was “horrified” by the 20-year-old’s decision.

“It was ghaaaastly!” he said.

“I’m not sure what forest in California is missing its Redwoods, but they’re lodged between a pair of stiletto heels somewhere between Everton Terrace and The Big Kumara. Hiss!”

New Zealand fashion expert Angela Hague said the recent trend towards short dresses that resemble bath towels has come about due to a heavy “Californian” influence on western fashion dialects.

“Young women see these kinds of attire sported on The Hills or in magazines and think, ‘If I put that tiny thing on, start sporting pink color du jour highlights, and a circus clown’s worth of makeup, I’ll somehow dupe common sense into thinking I’m attractive’—when it simply doesn’t work that way,” she said.

“The women in those magazines have had thigh tucks, ass tucks, skin re-fittings, skin re-colourisation, lavender treatments, sand treatments, canola oil soaks, multiple waxes, laser treatments, and numerous shaves to give their legs the look and feel of varnished gibboard. New Zealand girls need to realise they’ve got legs for milking cows and nothing more.”

When pressed about her choice of attire, George was resolute.

“I, like, just think it looks cool,” she said with an inflection that made it sound like she was ending the sentence by asking a question. “Like, when me and my friends, like, go out to get on it, we want to look, like, all cute and shit.”

De la Marge simply could not abide by George’s response.

“Oh, no, sister from another mister. Let’s put the five-fingered stop on this now,” he said, swivelling his head.

“You’ve got to realise that when you hit the dance floor with those pan caked calves all asunder, sweetie, you’re an apple core away from complete trash, mmm-hmm.”

Hague also shared those sentiments.

“God forbid it rains,” she said.

“Then they’ll look as if though they’ve just gotten out of the shower and they’re running across the hallway of Courtney Place to the bedroom on Dixon Street.”

It has been estimated that 4 out of 5 bath-towel dress wearing women have no idea how ridiculous they look.

The other 20% simply do it out of shame.

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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

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