- SPONSORED -
In the week that Wasn’t this week a LAWS 121 class has become so infuriated by the incessant questioning of one of its mature members, it has decided to render its disgust with a loud, collective groan.
The 9am stream began airing its disgust when it became clear Janet Sampson, 54, would not shut the fuck up about anything not connected to the subject being taught.
Sources claim Sampson would raise her hand “each and every time” one of the three course teachers would take a breath to enquire about “some meaningless detail that anyone with a pair of working ears could probably explain.”
“That old bitch is ruining everything,” said Max Hamilton, 18.
“I’m trying to remember what the three articles of the Treaty of Waitangi are, and she’s asking the guy at the front what the Treaty of Waitangi is. It’s like she’s never learned anything ever.”
The decision for the class to articulate its feelings of anguish and despair through a loud, piercing groan was something conjured through an innate sense of overwhelming bitterness.
“I was just looking around the room at all these angry faces,” said Kylie Smith, 19.
“People were screwing up bits of paper, tapping their fingers, banging their heads against the desk, mouthing things like ‘I’m gonna fuck you up, grandma’—they were not happy.”
In perhaps the only time this publication will dabble in anything remotely investigative, Salient sent along a volunteer to sit a row behind Mrs. Sampson and make note of the times she raised her hand.
Ten minutes into the 90-minute lecture, she had already asked 13.5 questions.
Six were more or less blatant rewordings of the original question, “What is the Treaty of Waitangi?”
Seven related to the names of the lecturer’s children, the motivation for each name, and whether or not they “ate all their din dins.”
The last 0.5 may have had something to do with how “easy peasy” cooking a wholesome stir fry was, but Sampson was cut off mid-sentence by an irate student in the fifth row screaming, “DIE! JUST FUCKING DIE! HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN ROLL OVER AND DIE!”
When asked about her classmates’ furious reaction towards her, Sampson was surprised.
“They’re booing at me? Deary dear… I thought they were groaning at having to do more homework!” she chuckled.
“The younger generation need to learn that us old fuddy duddies take a little bit longer to learn. We can’t all be sprouty sprout sprouts!”
In response to Sampson’s incomprehensible gibberish, LAWS 121 members were unremitting in their hatred.
“We get, like, a 15 minute break, yeah? And I wanna go ask Whatshisname Morris at the front about Maori succeeding sovereignty, but before I get to the front, there’s Gladys suckin’ all his air telling him about how she weeded the garden over the weekend,” said Michael Rickards, a Weir House resident.
“You can tell he just wants her to fuck off and let him go to the bathroom, but that woman is relentless,” added Amanda Smith, 18.
“She’s like the bad guy from Terminator II. You could blow her head off with a shoulder-mounted laser beam and she’d still find a way to talk about her grandson’s painting,” said Richard Mackson, 19.
“Fuck her and fuck her sprouts,” Rickards said.
No one from the Law Faculty would talk to Salient about Mrs. Sampson, but in a statement released hours before going to print, an anonymous source from within the Old Government Buildings wrote, “They should be grateful she’s not in their tutorials.”
“But if she is, may god have mercy on their souls.”