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March 2, 2009 | by  | in News |
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In The Week that Wasn’t: Source Claims Wee Hamish Only Cried from Aberdeen to Glasgow

A source close to a Scottish family, whose tale of sacrifice and hearing difficulty warmed the hearts of the nation, has told Salient that the child at the centre of the infamous ANZ commercial, Wee Hamish, only cried during the four hour connecting flight from Aberdeen to Glasgow, and not the 36-hour marathon to Auckland as previously believed.

“Lemme till yew a fookin’ seekret ‘bowt me cryhan’… uh…I maen Wee Hamish’s cryhan!” the source said.

“Wee Hamish is meeny things, bout he’s no crhyah! He’s a fookin’ Loch Ness firestorm of ah mahn whoo pisses pure fookin’ Scotland!”

The source believes the man responsible for the overzealous estimation, Hamish’s father Gordon, conjured up the elaborate story of sadness as a way of attaining banking benefits he would otherwise not be entitled to.

“Mah dad Gordon is a coumpleat an’ uttar bahstard. He stoffed me in the ovahhed cumpahrtment between Glasgow an’ London just tah shot me up,” the source claimed.

“Den he pisses out som fookin’ claptrap boot me cryhan the whole fookin’ way juss tah get free fookin phone bankin’.”

When asked to respond to the claims by Salient, Gordon from Glasgow was defiant.

“Ack, piss off, ya student loan-suckin’ toylet broosh. I ain’t dun nothin’ wrong evah,” he said.

But after some gentle prodding, he recanted.

“Argh, ta be honest with ya. The pour wee lad didnae cry all tha way from Aberdeen ta’ Auckland. He just cried from Aberdeen ta Glasgow.”

“I decided ta capitalise on ma’ indicopherable accent an’ so I wenta roond all tha banks an’ found tha bank with tha least helpful staff who couldnae understand ma’ brogue.”

“I took Wee Hamish with, an’ tha little shite started bawling his fookin’ eyes oot,” he said. “I couldnae shut tha little shite up!”

“So the dumb bint asked if there was anyaway ta shoot him tha fook up, an’ I mumbled that he cried all the fookin way from Aberdeen ta Auckland,” he said.

The lie, it would seem, was quite beneficial for the Scottish old boy.

“Just so happens that a intra company memo hadda bin sent out that mournin’ askin’ staff tah look fur racist stereotypes an’ me an’ Wee Hamish fitted the bill perfecktly.”

The plight of the young Scotsman has been carefully documented on his Facebook page, which describes (among other things) the curious relationship with his father.

“Mah fiery red hair is a symbhol of the raw powah of Scotland, meh homelahnd. Mah pa, howevah, thinks it’s a portent of doom an’ that mah family’s cursed. I thank that’s why he goht sucha great mortgage rate frum ANZ.”

Sandra from ANZ was unavailable for comment. An ANZ clerk claimed she was busy dealing with an Asian guy with a hard on for haircuts.

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