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March 2, 2009 | by  | in Features |
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It’s 4:20 Somewhere

How to Cope with the Recession

Let’s look at some terminology boys and girls. Recession: it’s a word. What do words mean? Well, you should know that! You shouldn’t need me to tell you. But a lot of people don’t even know this kind of thing, that a word is do mean. Words mean “things”, and I will be using “them” to tell you about “stuff”. What do words do to tell us information about life?

What exactly is a thing that is meant by words like recession?

Basically a recession is the second session of the day. Like when my mate Bruce gets out of bed in the afternoon to play some Fallout3, after he’s had his wake ‘n’ bake, coffee and ciggy, he will go back to the kitchen to put the knives back on after the first time his character is killed by a deathclaw or a supermutant with a spiked board.

This whole thing of smoking weed when you’ve recently had a sesh was first mentioned in the movie Half Baked, like this: “Have you ever done weed, man?” Which set up the follow-up comment up “Have you ever done weed ON WEED?” up. Which is great.

This movie sparked (literally) a joint (literally) movement. To the kitchen. Where the knives are.

But most people I know can’t be bothered doing weed again when they’ve just done some. Lightweights, you say? Well, it’s okay. They can’t hear you over the Pink Floyd.

Smoking weed can change a man. How? Well, I used to be black. When you start to smoke heaps of weed, you always think everything is about it. When Lord of the Rings first came out, I asked my mate if it was good, and he told me it was, commenting that “The whole movie is just about weed, man.” Don’t ask him what The Matrix, or The Fifth Element were about.*

Weed and the Language Barrier

But there are differences in language to consider here. A small minority of people are not even talking about weed when they are talking about the recession. Some of them are talking about money, which they will of course then exchange for weed.

Please consider that the American corrupt system has finally made Borat Embalmer President of The World, and The Moon, but he is still not allowed to talk about Pine Gap or Area 51, unless he is in an X Files episode and Cancerman is there. It is this manoeuvre that has sparked a lot of paranoia among Americans and clever, hurried people who read magazines with names like The Econo-terrorist and New Salientist. People are worried about future outcomes. The uneasiness in the mind of man is becoming apparent. In the words of my favourite philosopher after Ice-T and Weird Al Yankovic, the great Yoda; “He is always drifting to the past, and the future – never on what he is doing right now!”

So the main focus of practical Earth politics lies in the hands of a skinny Maori fella in an indomitable village in Gaul, America, that still resists the Romans. Will Billy T. Obama be spending enough money on weed? Will he buy wasteful tinnies, or go straight to buying in pounds? Will he supply the Cypress Hill fans in America with enough Hits From The Bong? How much will greeny cereal-hippies like Al Gore be scabbing off him to heat up the Earth? Idle speculation is not enough here, so I have created an argument to help my brain think about the things that happen inside it, while my mates are telling me it’s my turn to drive, and I am cranking the conspiracy theory videos up so I can hear them from the kitchen.

The basic thrust of my theory can be summed up in two points, with one extra point, which is three, like the TRI-lateral commission, who are bad:

I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.

Even though WINZ and Studylink have given me literally tens of thousands of dollars throughout my life, they are still dicks.

My mate Aaron was in Lord of The Rings, and said that Liv Tyler was a whiney stuck-up chick with an annoying voice.

And there is also an auxiliary point—which is just as important, probably even more so than the others: the live version of Comfortably Numb is WAY better than the original.

The main aspect of my argument is that I am right. I think that pretty much covers it. That is basically how you argue in a university. So if anyone disagrees with me, especially someone who doesn’t wear glasses, you better get ready for some sneering and hoity-toityness as I prove you wrong by getting T.K to take his top off and flex.

But let’s look at the world economy. It sure is boring. I’m not even looking at it, and I just can’t be bothered. Plus I’m already bored, and I feel this kind of niggling paranoia. As well as this, I have totally forgotten whatever I was just doing a minute ago. So let’s get back to where the real money is at, which is weed. Wellington tinnies have increased…by five bucks, in some places. Always notes only, please. No one likes coins. This is an increase of…five—no…a quarter…well…I dunno how much percent exactly, but it’s more, which is my point, I think, which means I’m right.

One of the big issues with weed is that if you don’t smoke enough you become paranoid, and this is evidenced in the racist behaviours of the uptight whiteys in American politics, who are worried that there is a black guy in their white peoples house, and he is gonna beat them up and nick their lunch money when he gets the munchies. I personally think this is kind of racist stereotyping, but that’s just politics innit?

Bringing this whatever-thingy back home to Victoria University, where we have to get out of bed to go to, with the temptations of the kitchen in between. Are students in Wellington smoking enough weed to combat their study paranoia? Are they smoking enough to understand their studies?

I smoked lots of weed this morning so I could better understand my lunchtime genetics lecture, and it worked. I think. To sum up what I learned, basically, pig and elephant DNA just won’t splice, which is pretty important.

How can we in New Zealand combat whatever it is that we’re talking about, that’s making me all stressed and paranoid?

To be honest, I really can’t remember.

Boldly going nowhere,

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Comments (4)

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  1. Boner says:

    This is what I would call “writing about weed, on weed.”

    To quote: “I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.”
    Neither do I.
    And I’m not sure about your genetics lecturer.

  2. dennetguy says:

    I think he used to be a chef of some sort, possibly on weed.
    Cheers for the onweed – i mean online support.

  3. Bob Jones says:

    Mate,
    Me thinks you have the DT’s except from the green leaf.

    Rather ammusing to read from someone who “gets” where you’re at.
    Keep up the good word/work

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