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March 9, 2009 | by  | in Film |
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Marley & Me

If you had told me five years ago that I would be able to watch a mainstream film in a cinema not filled with dirty old men muttering to themselves, about a man and his unrequited and repressed love for a dog, I would have told you to “cut-it-out”.

Marley & Me is the film adaptation of an autobiographical soft-core bestiality porn pulp by John Grogan, a third-rate reporter who makes it big as a columnist. His one and only topic being Marley. Marley this. Marley that. Marley breaks some stuff. Marley shits on the rug. John takes Marley for a long, romantic walk on the beach. You get the point.

Marley is a canine that the movie collateral describes as “the world’s worst dog”. This would have been true if you hadn’t met my childhood hound Friskers. Friskers was pretty much what would have spawned if Hitler and Stalin’s zombies had made love to an Airedale bitch and somehow the genomes and DNA melded and created some super evil dog with a sadistic streak the size of the wake of the Interislander. One day when I was cleaning out his kennel I actually found rudimentary plans to annex next door’s backyard for extra living space. Woof!

Frankel interlaces scenes where Marley joins in with John (Owen Wilson) and Jenny’s (Jennifer Aniston) intercourse, with John musing to the dog and then he totally blows your mind by cutting to a scene with both John, Jenny, Marley and the kids. Totally sick.

One must assume that both the writer of the autobiographical novel, Grogan and director David Frankel have deep seated urges that have for many moons been repressed under the guise of normality. Wilson himself shows an affinity with the animal actor that transgresses friendship.

The sordid love triangle climaxes as John reaches middle age and realises that he has only ever had one friend and two lovers: Marley and Jenny. In that order, and generally at the same time.

I didn’t even get to see the end of the movie because the cinema had to be evacuated. There must’ve been two hundred or so girls, who between the hot, hot, hot sex scenes and the cuteness of the damn dog, secreted such a vast amount of bodily fluids that it caused a minor flood in the first three rows and a toddler almost drowned.

Directed by David Frankel
With Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston, Eric Dane

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The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

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