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March 9, 2009 | by  | in News |
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Pat Walsh: Zombie?

Salient can reveal, after extensive investigation that Pat Walsh, Vice-Chancellor (VC) of VUW, is a zombie. Alarm bells rang last week when he questioned the lack of raw human flesh at a university council meeting. Many students have contacted Student Health concerned about “nasty looking bites” they received after meeting with the VC.

A DNA analysis conducted by the head of the School of Biological Sciences, Paul TeesdaleSpittle, confirms the presence of the necrosis-zombifying pathogen in his tissue. “Professor Walsh is an amazing specimen of the power of evolution and ecological niche of undead in our society,” Teesdale-Spittle said.

Walsh started in his current role in 2005 after the departure of all-round despised VC Stuart McCutcheon. An unnamed source has confirmed that at his time of arrival Walsh was still alive. However, sometime in mid 2006 the change became apparent. Jude Urlich, former VUW Public Relations liaison, is suspected of turning him before she left.

The necrosis-zombifying pathogen was first discovered in Haiti in the early 1990s, however reports of zombies have been present since the times of Gilgamesh and became widespread in medieval Europe. New Zealand, isolated from the zombie pandemics of the ‘80s and ‘90s, now has an increasing population of undead. Undead Rights Activist and head of the Wellington Zombie Collective, Nick Kelly said: “Uhhhh guhnnn ufffffnnnnk BRAAAAAAINS!” when questioned about what having an undead person in such a high position meant for Wellington’s zombie community.

Political Science Professor Nigel Roberts, one of Walsh’s former teachers, was unsurprised. “I’ve always known he was a bit of a zombie. One time when I was teaching his undergrad class at Christchurch he bit me on the arm!”

Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Research) Neil Quigley refused to comment on the issue, offering only an eerily zombie-like grunt. There had been much debate in the student body about Walsh’s undead allegiance for quite some time. A popular topic of conversation in the overbridge and quad for many students was whether he was in fact a vampire or a zombie.

VUW-run futures market site iPredict has been selling stock on the issue since its inception in early 2008. The payout price on “Pat Walsh is a zombie” stock was more than $6 before Salient broke the story. – In unrelated news, Salient has become financially self-sustainable investing money into a range of anti-zombie products, available exclusively at the Salient office.

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The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

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