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March 16, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Pro wrestlers shown to be ignorant of what The Rock was cooking

A study conducted by Victoria University of Wellington PhD candidate Jean-Paul Michael Levesque has shockingly revealed that professional wrestlers are grossly ignorant of what fellow wrestler, The Rock, was cooking when he asked, “Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?”

Conducted over a period of two years (which encapsulates 104 Smackdowns, 13 championship changes, and two Wrestlemanias), Levesque’s study shows that a startling number of WWE Superstars demonstrated a flagrant ignorance of what The Rock was cooking when prompted by the man himself, or by a chanting chorus of 10-year-old fans.

“I was surprised,” said Levesque. “After endless nights of DDTs, suplexes, sidewalk slams and powerbombs, you’d think these guys would be interested in sitting down and discussing the deeper philosophical musings of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.”

Of the 50 WWE Superstars interviewed, ten expressed ignorance of the wrestler-cum-actor’s catchphrase, 20 said they’d have “his back” during any battle royal, and the other 20 spoke disdainfully of the self professed “People’s Champion” and expressed a desire to injure him in a variety of ways.

“YOU TELL THE ROCK THAT IF HE WANTS A SLICE OF DESTRUCTO DAN’S POWER DRILL SLAM, HE CAN COME FIND ME IN HELL’S TEETH,” said colleague Destructo Dan. “I DON’T CARE WHAT HE’S COOKING. LET’S TALK ABOUT WHAT I’M COOKING: PAAAIIN!”

Levesque flew to America and travelled with the WWE on its cross-continental road show, taking in the sights and smells of exotic locales like Kansas City, Missouri, and Little Rock, Arkansas.

“It was enchanting,” Levesque said. “The delicate fragrance of 12,000 pro wrestling fans from Georgia is impossible to describe. There’s a point where it hits you and you become utterly incapacitated, literally breathless, and unable to do anything other than faint. It’s almost religious.”

While on tour with the company, and sporting a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy and Psychology, Levesque set about questioning the WWE roster on issues beyond their famous colleague.

“A lot of these guys have what I’d call severe, unashamed schizophrenia,” said Levesque.

“Take superstar The Big Show, for example. One week he’s the personification of evil: cheating, using steel chairs, assaulting referees, insulting the audience, etc. Then next week, he’s the nicest guy, a bastion of virtue.

“It is deeply unsettling for a 7’2” 500lb man to be undergoing this kind of mental transformation.”

Levesque also pondered some other wrestling-inspired philosophical tropes.

“What does it mean to be the Undertaker? What does it mean to be touted as a man who was raised from the dead for the sole purpose of winning a championship belt? What kind of effects does this have on a man introspectively?”

WWE superstar and Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan spoke candidly about being part of Levesque’s academic interest.

“LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHIN’, BROTHA. WITH THE POWER OF THE HULKAMANICS BEHIND ME, HULKAMANIA WILL RUN WILD ON DEEP INTELLECTUAL INQUIRY,” Hogan said, before flexing his muscles.

“GET A LOOK AT THESE 24-INCH PYTHONS. WRITE 10,000 WORDS ON THE POWER IN THESE, BROTHA.”

Levesque was unable to get in touch with the inspiration for the inquiry, The Rock.

“He’s a tough guy to get a hold of. I guess now that he’s busy reinventing himself as an action film star, he doesn’t have time for the intellectual world pro wrestling inhabits,” Levesque said.

“It’s a shame. He’d be a real asset.”

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About the Author ()

Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (4)

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  1. Mark Calaway says:

    Out of interest, is the writer a fan or not? If so they clearly arn’t up to date on their rasslin knowledge cos the rock hasn’t wrestled in 5 years. The article should have been about whether fellow wrestlers can actually see John Cena or if they are visually impaired.

  2. The author relied heavily, heavily on YouTube as a reference.

  3. Mark Calaway says:

    so thats what they do at the salient office all day… no wonder we can’t get free internet

  4. I’m pretty sure the designer’s computer is the only one with access to YouTube, and he’s far too busy doing magic…

    … what am I even doing.

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