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If you haven’t already seen, Stuff.co.nz has changed its page layout. In what is obviously a cheap imitation of the Salient site, Stuff has plunged to something even lower than web 2.0. Think 1993 on a 286, code written by hand, in binary, on a jumbo pad, by a five-year-old, in crayon.
A check-list leaked from Stuff editor Mark Stevens’ office explained the process behind the revamp:
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Mark Stevens
Subject: Memo to web design team
To: Web Design Team
Step one: Go to www.salient.org.nz
Step two: Consume bottle of scotch while reading salient.org.nz
Step three: Draw pictures on jumbo pad.
Step four: Scan pictures into 286 in pixmap format
step five: Go down to LiquorKing and buy another bottle of scotch and pass through Manners to pick up some low-grade weed cut with laxatives from the emos.
Step six: Hire small child as a crayon colour specialist
Step seven: code that shit on the 286 straight into binary: 01010011 01000001 01001100 01001001 01000101 01001110 01010100 etc
Step eight: Unleash onto the internetz
Please follow this road map to success.
Stevens was unable to comment at the time of writing.
A prominent Wellington web designer has told Salient he would delete his staff from his AIM buddy list if they ever designed something so horrible.
Sheumais, the Operating Manager and Chief Web Designer of Entrap Web Design said “it’s just a fucking horrible site”.
“I was designing shit like that when I was in high school. It is like a fucking cross between the Disney Channel, TV3’s site and an acid flash back. Why the fuck you got to put a blinking and scrolling bar across the page? It looks like a fucking banner message for Colombian hookers in the back streets of Bogotá!”
Salient is currently seeking legal advice about the similarities between the two sites. Editor Jackson Wood said: “While we really really like Fairfax, and they’re generally a good bunch, whenever I go to that site my eyes crust over and my shoes fall off.”
“We think the brand and quality of our news, columns and articles as well as our superior web design sets us apart from Stuff and indeed makes Salient the premier news website in New Zealand today. We’re quite happy to let it stand and see whose site is better.”
The child hired by Stuff as their de facto web designer was blissfully unaware of the mess he made on the internet. Regan, 5, said at a press conference that he just wanted his crayons back.
“I took my crayons that Mummy and Daddy gave me for Christmas into the big building but when I came out I didn’t have them any more and I think that Mr Stevens guy took them and I really really need them otherwise Mrs Street will be angry with me cos I haven’t handed in my drawing of a fish what I was supposed to hand in last week so please can I has them back Mr Stevens?”.