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March 23, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Battle of the Four Armies

It was a warm and bright early autumn afternoon in Wellington, all the better for the forces of ALF’s 16th Wellington Wegiment to give the pitiful Salient platoon a sound thrashing at the Terrace Gardens. After a ritual reading and rejection of their respective ultimata, the two sides were discussing whether any compromise would be possible, when the indescribably low-rent but high-mileage KAOS army begun its unconscionable meddling, as it offered its services… but only in the cause of war.

After KAOS inexplicably succumbed to blandishments of media coverage by Salient, there was no way out but war. No matter, ALF’s still outnumbered the foe 1 to 3.

Their anti-British resolve weakening, Salient made an easy target as an ALF artillery barrage provided smoke and cover for a tremendous ALF charge that wrought them asunder, with added carnage as a KAOS ‘ally’ was seen to slaughter Salient troops in the resulting confusion.

Obviously Salient were terribly disturbed by this, their first experience of Imperial Warfare—as one their number despicably committed atrocities upon upon the poor cute furry ALF teddy bear mascots, which so enraged the Wegiment that only a ‘bear’ charge could satisfy our honour. The only problem was reminding the bears afterwards that the flesh of alcoholic student journos should not be swallowed, but rather should be emphatically spat out…

Feeling sorry for their foe, ALF’s offered Salient the opportunity to surrender during the half-time break…and were soundly turned down. It was at this stage that ALF’s noble and staunch allies The Order of the Rabid Weasels arrived, and the carnage began in earnest once again, as the Salient/KAOS casualty rate began to reach some 600 per cent! Once again Salient resorted to underhand tactics as talking honeyed words about Her Majesty and Monarchism, two of their number attempted to infiltrate the ALF’s own ranks… however, the ALF’s very cunningly left the infiltrators in the rear ranks, as they charged the now depleted Salient/KAOS forces facing them. Obviously we did feel not feel any ‘stab in the back’, since such a tactic is extremely unmanly and not all like good British sportmanship—and thus it could be safely ignored.

The most successful manouver of the afternoon, was when ALF’s demonstrated that they could defeat any army even when lying down, as very relaxed ALF force lured the Salient/KAOS forces into an uphill charge that was literally bowled over by a ‘rolling’ ALF attack. A truly brillant day for Imperial Arms!

Following this mighty surprise tactic, ALF’s proved their ‘with-it-ness’ and general coolness and total lack of gayness by initiating their most fearsome and modern battle tactic…the Chinese Free Trade charge (the exact details of which must necessarily remain secret)..a charge which saw the final demoralisation of the enemy. After that truly gruesome experience, the Salient/KAOS troops were only too willing to participate in the final charge of the day—the handshake charge—where all participants charged and then shook hands, all the while crying out “Jolly good show, what!”

And what a jolly good show it was, as Salient were taught the fearsome lesson of what it means to oppose the might of ALF’s Imperial Army. The Battle of Four Armies goes down in the Imperial history books as yet another glorious victory for British arms.

God Save the Queen! Wizard Save the Empire!

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