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March 9, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Wong View

There’s something peculiar about bed linen. In the hands of any given individual, it evokes a strange kind of power. The allure of draping a sheet around oneself becomes a temptation too hard to resist. Suddenly, the said individual assumes a secret identity—the force of the bed sheet is unleashed.

This may be hard to understand, especially if you have never used your bed linen to its full potential. But, alas, I will attempt to describe, in the most accurate way, the adventures you can have. Imagine: You are shrouded (literally) in mystery, a canvas of floral (or whatever colour your sheets happen to be) covering your body. You are anonymous to the world.

If you’ve heard the saying, “if I can’t see them, they can’t see me,” then you’ll see why the bed sheet is so fantastic. As you walk down the streets of Wellington, be assured no one will notice. Take this opportunity to be as smug as you want. Who else will know you are pulling the finger or checking someone out? No one. Only you. Just remember: If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.

This phenomenon occurs around the world. You know what people I’m talking about—you’ve seen them appearing at your local supermarkets, in the streets, even popping up at the playground. Late for a lecture? Instead of sneaking through the back, just fling a sheet over yourself and you’re basically invisible.

When two or more of these bed linen bandits gather, that is when the real havoc begins. The most recent phenomenon happened in Otago, where a mass of students decided to use their sheets at maximum force—this involved wearing nothing but bed linen (and maybe a few safety pins). The result? A town trashed, cars assaulted and many angry Dunedin folk. It seems that history continues to repeat itself and every year some student organisation gets in trouble, yet the district boards and councils never learn. If the authorities are reading this, I warn you now: don’t underestimate the power of the bed sheet. But at least, in this time of recession, places like Briscoes will be making a profit—it is the time when the rate of linen purchases increases exponentially. Your bed sheets make a difference.

If the Greeks did it, you know you’re onto something good. Why else would they portray the gods in such powerful attire? Picture Zeus, Apollo or even Poseidon with their hair and linen flowing in the wind—something about that excess of cloth just makes you tremble with fear. In the present day, many superheroes wear capes for this very reason, Batman and Superman to name a couple. The bed sheet has become a symbol of the elite. What more could you ask for?

Surprising as it may be, there is some formal etiquette to wearing your preferred bed linen. There are few rules but some key fundamentals:

Though undergarments make life more hygienic, a true warrior of the bed sheet makes do with nothing.

Bare feet are ideal.

Imagine Blanket Man; he is perhaps the epitome of the sheet wearer. His blanket has been with him so long, it is now brown.

So, what will be next for those bed linen wearers? Will the duvet now make an appearance and devastate the nation? Or shall the pillow become the popular weapon of choice? Perhaps the sleeping bag may enter this category of night-time accessories. So many decisions. So little time. But don’t come to me for your bed sheets. All I can offer is the ‘wong’ view.

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  1. Sando says:

    I found this vastly amusing. That is all.

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