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April 6, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Palmerston North welcomed into real world

Residents of the humble little hamlet in the gentle Manawatu shire, Palmerston North, were jubilant by a decision by the National Government to raise their fair town’s status level.

In a press conference held upon a sacred tree stump in yonder square, town crier Elmond Josphinia made the announcement to the eager gathering of gentle townspeople.

“Hear ye, hear ye! Gentle sires and fair maidens! Our fair realm be now recognised beyond yonder woods,” Josphinia announced.

“We find ourselves settled in a kinship fit for outsiders!”

Following an uproarious string of “Hurrahs” and “Huzzahs!”, Minister for Fairytale Town affairs Simon Powers (real name) spoke to the people, who had by this point spontaneously broken into song and highland dance about the significance of the declaration.

“This policy officially recognises each and every one of you as human beings,” Powers said. “You’re now entitled to the same privileges benefits that normal New Zealanders, people who have long ignored you and denied your existence, have enjoyed for decades. It is truly a moment worth savouring.”

Palmerston North Mayor/Guardian of the Realm, Lord Barnaby Wells, spoke candidly about the economic and cultural benefits the newly recognised city would now enjoy.

“Gone are the days where dark knights enslave our maidens and wolves ensnare our produce. Upon this day, we fair Palmerston Northians of hefty stock and fine breeding shalt enjoy feasts beyond compare!” Lord Wells said.

Labour spokesperson for Fairytown Affairs Grant Johnston chastised the decision as economically imprudent, given the current financial climate.

“We simply do not have the money to acknowledge the existence of Palmerston North,” Johnston said.

“These backward renaissance fairesque creatures are barely worthy of disdain, and it is abhorrent that this government insists upon using public funds to bring them into the real world.”

Lord Barnaby, who, minutes after the festivities began, returned to overseeing the great sprout harvest, dismissed Johnstone’s criticisms.

“I say unto him, ‘English! Lest thou wants some, thou may gets some.’ Thy pain laboratory is open from moon rise to moon set,” Barnaby said.

“The kinship of Palmerston North drove out the demon Ashhurstian with but a flaying of our limbs. Lest not the same happen upon your head.”

Mr Powers would not be drawn into whether the villages of Feilding and Taihape would also be welcomed into normal, every-day existence.

“The Government realises that these things take time,” he said.

“The public need to get used to the fact that the people of Palmerston North are human beings now. Like all cultural upheavals, will take time to digest.”

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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (2)

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  1. Kerry says:

    Be careful, MJ, they’ll set Shrek on you.
    Have you ever seen the mutants they raise on the back research blocks at Massey?
    Put me off Animal Biology for life, back in 6th form!

  2. Mr Magoo says:

    Are you a mutant Kerry? A mutant tomato!

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