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April 6, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Queer Briefs, Sequins Optional

Bits and pieces this week, my dear queer brethren. Some news, some sage advice.

Obama’s Army to Gays: Stay in the Fucking Closet

We’re having a bit of an Obamarama this week here at Salient, so how about I fill you in on the latest queer-related haps from the Land of Hope and Change?

Vermont looks like it’s a month or two from joining the same-sex marriage club, along with Massachusetts and Connecticut in the US, as well as Canada, Spain, The Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, and, as of next month, Sweden. Like, yay and all that, but why should you care? Vermont’s significant because it already has same-sex civil unions, and is now moving to full marriage rights for people who aren’t straight. Queer Kiwi kids who follow this stuff: take heart, there’s hope for New Zealand yet.

The US military lets queer people serve, which is cool, but has a retarded policy called “don’t ask, don’t tell”—that means any such civic-minded citizens have to stay closeted. This is considerably less cool, for all of the normal reasons that forcing people to lie about and hide their sexuality is uncool. Now, Obama talked a good game on gay rights last year, and raked in the pink dollars—worth as much as real dollars!—for his campaign. Before he was elected, he said he’d get rid of this stupid rule. As soon as he got elected he slowed down, and blew a chance this week, effectively saying “Whoah! That’d, umm be like, umm, hard.” (I imagined him saying this without a teleprompter.) How hard can it be? To my eye, not chucking gays out of the military is even easier than chucking them out. Why do I care? Marine dress uniform is fucking hot. I therefore wanna marry a marine. In Vermont. Failing that, I’ll just have to keep on requesting guys to wear said uniform. And some guys find that weird.

Weird

Questions to ponder. First, two facts:

By my count, there are twenty countries in the world where female homosexuality is legal, but male homosexuality is not.

Also, at least eight countries have age-of-consent discrepancies: that is, there’s a period when you’re growing up where straight sex is all good according to the law books, but gay sex is not.

Question one: how does this come about? Question two: which of the two facts is weirder?

Sage Advice

I’m assuming that’s what you’re all here for. So here goes. Gay guys: do not use spermicidal lube. There is no point. You are in no danger of becoming pregnant. That is all.

UniQ Stuff This Week

Since the Debating Society has apparently decided they need pretty much every room in the Student Union Building on pretty much every decent weeknight, and the Memorial Theatre Foyer is a space only slightly more conducive to socializing than Cleaning Supplies Cupboard #3 in Cotton Building, only without the charmingly kitsch décor, rumours abound that UniQ is heading off-campus this Wednesday. Look out for the posters.

Stuff You Can Do at Home, or in Town

The mid-trimester break is nearly upon us! What to do? (This bit’s not just for the queer kids; it pretty much applies to everyone.)

First of all, it is essential that you gorge yourself on all that cheap chocolate you can buy straight after Easter. Don’t feel guilty. You can dance it off later.

Make things! It’s cheaper than buying things. I suggest: cooking your own food, making clothes, and creative writing. If you find that last one too hard at first, do what I do: create derivative works from existing books and movies. Here you have two options: one, keep it clean; or two, slashfic! If you opt for the latter, by no means e-mail it to blaise@Salient.org.nz, because there is no possibility of a prize of any sort going to the writer of the best entry. Not even a High School Musical DVD.

Third: meet new people. And not just minimal real-world contact Facebook friends. Try getting to know some new people.

Last: detox in time for round two of University 2009: The Reckoning. Promptly retox.

Parting Shot

Some fount of wisdom once said: “The world is your ashtray.” Now, I’m not into littering, and I’m not a sociopath, so I can’t endorse that statement as is. Reader, may I propose a modification?

The world is your gaybar.

So dance like you don’t give a damn.

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About the Author ()

BK Drinkwater's actual origins are shrouded in mystery, but it is said that he sprang from the summit of Taranaki fully formed, four days after the birth of Aristotle. He resents having been overshadowed in this way.

Comments (3)

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  1. Kerry says:

    Good call, Blaise!
    Hey, The L-word covered this in the 4th series in 2008, with Iraq vet Tash being thrown out of the forces for her relationship with Alice.
    Hot girls, hot motorbike; I wasn’t so keen on the uniforms, but what-the-hey, a storyline about what was really happening to serving officers in the USA. For real.

    I am missing UniQ already.
    Have visited Massey Albany campus, and read 4 copies of Satellite.
    There is nothing remotely bent about the place, which looks alarmingly Spanish Mission architecture.
    Have a lovely Easter break, everyone,
    kisses & hugs,
    Aunty Kerry

  2. I’m not even close to season four yet :(

    I’ve watched season one and that’s it. You wouldn’t know of a decent DVD hook-up would you? E-mail me…

  3. Luke H says:

    Make things! It’s cheaper than buying things.

    Couldn’t agree more. I would add homebrewing beer to that list – it’s great fun, highly educational, and very economical.

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