April 27, 2009 | by  |
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Sando Says – Dear Livejournal

Dear Livejournal,

I lost my virginity this morning.

It was pretty weird—let me tell you. Also, it was awkward and painful. Boy did my penis feel odd going in there, kind of rubbery to tell you the truth. Then, once it finally engaged with the vaginal cavity of my chosen mate, it just kind of stuck in there, like it was being clamped down on by a sock made of beef steak. I remember wondering if this really was the amazing and special event that was meant to rock my world and finally turn me off of men. I mean, am I doing something wrong? My pastor says that my fagitude is a choice and that as soon as I find the right girl, I’ll realise just how wrong and unholy my thoughts have been. Did I choose the wrong one? I mean, to be honest, Belinda asked me out, so all I really did was reciprocate, but, what if she was wrong? Are there different textural vaginal fields? What if my penis is the right size and density for a vaginal style most common in certain Asian ethnicities but not for Belinda’s pan Polynesian one?

Is that even a thing? I just don’t know enough about this.

After Belinda left to get some fish and chips, I tried a water displacement test to see what my mass was down there, but its two little friends kept skewing the results. A quick google search turned up few to no insights about this, so I must assume that I’m a pioneer of this sexual science. Another thing I noticed, is that it felt alright while I kept my eyes shut, but when I opened them and saw her, erm, flailing bosom, I lost track of what I was meant to be doing. Maybe I just don’t like fat people? Well, she wasn’t fat, but her brother didn’t have a bosom, that’s for sure. Have you ever noticed that girls have facial hair too? It’s a little downy and sparse, but it’s there. That’s something to hold onto I guess.

What I don’t really get is what the big deal with actual penetration is. Why does it have to be foot in shoe, when thumbing the buckle gets such a great reaction? I read somewhere that many women can’t even get off from, you know, vaginal penetration. I was totally cool with going there, but Belinda just insisted that I man up. It’s not natural,people. Why should you have to penetrate stuff when you aren’t going for a baby? She coerced me you know. Well, no she didn’t. Actually she said I didn’t have to go through with it if I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want her to not like me, so I figured that it’d be over pretty fast. It was by the way. Afterwards we went and watched that Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It was pretty cool, I hope they make a sequel or something.

Hey, according to this meme quiz, my inner Pokemon is Electabuzz.

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About the Author ()

Nic Sando is a god amongst men, fifteen fathoms high he be, with strange and wyrd powers at his disposal. Only a fool won't harken his ears to the east when he hears The Sando man stumping his way. http://thesando.com

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