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April 6, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Week That Wasn’t

Fat flatmate’s exercise bike now beyond irony

23-year-old Ricky Anderson, a biomedical science graduate from Newtown, has finally come to the realisation his fat flatmate’s exercise bike is finally beyond irony.

“I walked in on him eating those new Kiwi-flavoured chips while sitting on the exercise bike while watching an infomercial for the same exercise bike and complaining that said exercise bike doesn’t ‘do’ what the exercise bike on TV does,” Anderson said.

“It’s like your girlfriend leaving you for your identical twin brother because she finds him more attractive. What’s the fucking point, man?”

Sci fi Club boldly go outside

Victoria University of Wellington’s Science Fiction Fan Club bravely indulged their curiosity and went outside for the first time today.

Sci fi Club President Neville Smith described the venture as “new and exciting.”

“Going outside was exactly like episode 4 series 1 of Star Zorph when the Gorzidian people arrived on Argon IV to extract precious Gleemzine from the Forgon mountains of Zore,” Smith said.

“But instead of Argonians living in silicon bubbles, there were, like, real human beings. It was surreal.”

At least one Sci fi Club member had to be treated for overdosing on Vitamin D.

Tool fan forsakes your reality for more real reality

A 17-year-old Tool fan from Levin has issued a press release to his friends, family, and society at large, stating that he no longer has anything left to prove to them in this world.

“I have forsaken all sound. By implanting these minotaur-shaped earplugs into my ears, I will hear nothing but Maynard’s angelic voice resonating hope forever amen,” the fan said.

“You swan about listening to your Queen, to your Pink Floyd, to your rap artists, and banality is your result. But I have kneeled at the church of Maynard; hence, I am more beautiful for I am more real.”

The release ended with a confusing, “I have my back to you like Maynard for I am not a sheep.

“Now, I must depart, for mother has prepared dinner.”

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