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April 27, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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the Wong View

Facebook is an excellent way to learn about people… but also yourself. For those in an identity crisis, joining groups is a great way to alleviate personal issues. In my search of self-discovery, I stumbled upon a group: ‘I Have Never Had Sex With A Goat’. I was intrigued. I, too, had never had sex with a goat. Those words spoke to the very core of my soul—I felt compelled to join. Upon some more research, I found the group had three main beliefs:

1) Goat sex is wrong.

2) If you are not a part of this group you have had goat sex.

3) Goats are not allowed to join this group.

It was an easy decision. I became member 19,079. But I became slightly disturbed that this number was not higher. And if I left the group, was that an instant confession? The Wong View investigates.

I now understand why some may be hesitant to join. It turns out ‘sex’ is a fairly broad word. The discussion board had many confused and/or concerned by the following questions:

• If I was raped by a goat, did that count?
• Was goat sex after marriage okay?
• Was goat porn acceptable?

For those plagued by the same queries, look no further.

Everyone knows that goat rape is a traumatic experience. Fortunately this group does not discriminate against victims of this heinous crime. One brave soul told his story:

“[Goats are] all alike and they care about only one thing… Getting their horn’s wet.

One night I was kid-napped by one of those filthy animals.

He took me to the edge of a cliff… and pushed up against me. I had no choice… but to push back.”

After much debate, there was a general consensus that he was not in the wrong.It was revealed that many had a similar tale—those goats are rather devious characters. Fortunately, all is not lost. If you fall in this category, there is help. Many members found the website, whengoatsgettoofriendly.com a useful tool for those tough times.

Interestingly, this incident raised another set of questions. What if someone raped a goat? Or asked if the goat could rape them? Where were the boundaries? So many questions, but none could come up with adequate answers. I noticed these people were rather reluctant to share their stories, which sent a poignant message: It’s not okay to rape a goat.

Surely goat sex after marriage was acceptable? Well, that’s at least what one person was hoping. He admitted that he could not go through life avoiding goat seduction. However, he didn’t get the answer he was looking for. One member, sensing a feeling of familiarity in his words, told the group of her hardships:

“I once thought the same as you. I was charmed by a dashing young goat shortly into my new marriage. Convinced goat sex was ok after marriage, I confess… I started to have an affair. It wasn’t long before things started turning sour. Quickly my houseplants would appear eaten; the grass in the front garden became chewed up and sparse. My husband started noticing and lets just say he wasn’t too happy. We got divorced, and I also broke up with the goat. It ruined my life. And my plants.”

In short, goat sex is wrong. Even after marriage. Sorry to those disappointed readers out there.

Lastly, where does goat porn fit into the scheme of things? There was a lot of discussion on this issue. Surprisingly, everyone conceded that “even goats needed work.” One said that if the goats were at least 18 years of age, then it would be okay—as long as the goat consented. It’s touching to see a community of people caring about animal rights.

‘I Have Never Had Sex With A Goat’ is a group that is open to everyone on Facebook. I was relieved to see a few of my friends had joined—as for the others… I shall decline any invitations to farms, parks, or anywhere that may have lurking goats. I can only hope that our future will remain a goat-sex-free place. Let the Wong view help you do the right thing. Say no to goats.

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