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May 4, 2009 | by  | in News Opinion |
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First year regrets leavers’ jersey

An 18-year-old Weir House resident has come to realise after a period of painful introspection that his high school leavers’ jersey just isn’t that funny.

Carl Richardson, a graduate from Freyberg High School in Palmerston North, began to question the wisdom of choosing “SLUTBOI 69” after being asked about the jersey’s significance by a curious onlooker.

“I’d just been to the supermarket, eh? Picked up a coupla ‘Do-Bros’ for a pissup on E-Floor, when this chick behind me asked ‘bout my jersey,” Richardson said.

“She was like, ‘Are you really a slutboi?’ and I was like, ‘Uh… what?’ It was, like, all real confusing, eh.”

What followed was an intense period of research and analysis, where Richardson canvassed Victoria University of Wellington’s Kelburn campus looking for leavers’ jerseys to compare with his own.

“A lot of first year guys had some shithouse funny ones, eh. Like, this one guy had one that said ‘FATMAN 69’ and he was, like, all skinny and shit,” said Richardson.

“Then there was this chick who had ‘FLYCHICK 69’ and she looked pretty cool, eh. This tall guy had one that said ‘SHORTASS 69’. They’re all pretty witty, eh. I started wondering if mine was really that good.”

Richardson took it upon himself to contact Victoria University of Wellington semiotics expert, Professor Mark Signage regarding the relative significance of the valedictory jumper.

Professor Signage’s exhaustive analysis of the jersey offered a number of interesting personal insights.

“Take for instance the use of the number ‘69’,” Professor Signage wrote. “This number typically denotes promiscuity, which is ritualistically humourised by those in their teenage years.

“One would be inclined to be flippant with his analysis, but frankly I think Carl just wants people to think he gets laid all the time.”

When pressed by Salient as to whether or not this was the case, Richardson took the accusation as a personal affront.

“Oh… oh nah, eh. Nah, nah eh, nah that’s not it at all, eh,” he explained.

“Like, nah, like the whole number is just a personal thing, eh. Like, nah, yeah, nah.”

Professor Signage’s analysis took aim at Richardson’s choice of “SLUTBOI” as a slogan.

“I would hazard a guess—and this is mainly just a laymen’s analysis at work here—but I believe Carl really, really wants people to think he gets laid all the time,” he said.

The situation came quickly to a head last Friday night when Richardson made the unfortunate error of wearing his much maligned piece of high school nostalgia into town.

“People just kept giving me shit, eh. They were all like, ‘HEY, SLUTBOI. YOU LIKE SEX, EH?’ And I was like, ‘Oh…oh nah bro… I mean yeah… but nah, eh,” he said.

Professor Signage offered some hope for Richardson, and all other first year students who have come to realise the innate lameness of their leavers’ jerseys.

“Most first year students lose interest in their high school nostalgia pieces after about six weeks of tertiary study. It’s like clockwork—as soon as six weeks pass, each and every leavers’ jersey vanishes. It’s as if they’re all cataclysmically ashamed of the person they were six months ago,” Professor Signage said.

“It’s as if they didn’t realise that nobody took them seriously to begin with.”

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