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June 2, 2009 | by  | in News |
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Bored Dunne has nothing left to offer but his love

In the week that wasn’t the importance of having Minister of Revenue Peter Dunne around the houses of parliament has been called into question, after it was revealed the leader of United Future has absolutely nothing to do.

Dunne, the Member for Ohariu, caught the surprise of many when he announced in Parliament a fortnight ago that he had “pretty much done” everything he had to do for the duration of his term in parliament.

In papers released to Salient, the office for Dunne said the Minister, “… really only had a short list of chores to do during this term in the house, and after vacuuming the cabinet room and clearing out Tolley’s closet, he’d pretty much done his dash for the following three years.”

Dunne’s boredom has manifested itself in a number of creative and perplexing ways. An unnamed source within government told Salient of receiving a love heart collage signed by the Minister.

“It was cellotaped to my door. It said, ‘Hey, just wanted to say you’re doing a good job, friend’,” he said. “It was… weird.”

Another source spoke candidly about the bored Minister’s daily musings inside the houses of power.

“He just kinda wanders up and down the hallways with his hands in his pockets whistling to himself, randomly knocking on doors to ask if there’s anything he can do,” he said.

“One time, he came in and asked if I was good for coffee. I was. I was good for coffee.”

An opposition MP, who declined to be named, said Dunne appeared to have also taken on a state of melancholy in his boredom.

“I was walking towards a select committee meeting, when I saw him sitting on the steps outside tossing a baseball back and forth into a catcher’s mitt,” she said.

“Another time, my press secretary and I were having lunch, when all of a sudden this frisbee gently soars overhead and lands right next to us. We look over, and there’s Dunne mid-toss with this look of unadulterated joy on his face. The moment he realised we weren’t tossing it back, he put his hands in his pockets, scuffed the carpet with his shoe and walked off.”

When questioned by Salient as to what the Minister planned to do with the following two or so years of his political life, Dunne’s office refused to comment, rendered mute that an outlet of the media had actually requested a response.

One of Dunne’s aides did, however, divulge an embarrassing letdown to Salient.

“He once called ZM to request a shoutout to all his friends in the National-led government, but they were all in caucus, so no one actually heard it,” the aide said.

“He had me put it on cassette tape to pass around, it’s just sitting there in the kitchen with this big stupid pink post-it note saying ‘YOU GUYS WON’T BELIEVE WHAT WAS ON THE RADIO!’ To think nobody’s gonna hear the Minister of Revenue request Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ is a bit of a disappointment, I’m not gonna lie.”

The Prime Minister’s Office refused to comment, but the sight of a courier delivering a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear to the 9th floor of the Beehive was passed off as a mere “creepy” coincidence.

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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

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