Viewport width =
June 2, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Top 5

Ways to hide depression

1. Sports.
2. Drinking.
3. An obsession with Sylvia Plath.
4. Force a smile on your gob and whistle in your step.
5. Just fade into the background, you’ll do it anyway.

Plays on swine flu

1. Swhine Flu.
2. Sriesling Flu.
3. S-why-do-no-white-people-die-from-this Flu.
4. Pigs Flew.
5. Pigs are Scarier Than Birds so this is more likely to induce mass panic Flu.

Products made from Pig

1. Snikts, pork crackling snacks.
2. Brawn, it’s pig jelly with bits.
3. Human substitute in ballistics tests.
4. Your mum.
5. Bacon-flavoured mayonnaise.

Trees

1. Tea tree.
2. Phone tree.
3. Money tree.
4. Nickle-nackle tree.
5. Dysentry.

Cute web animals

1. Sneezing baby panda.
2. Spaghetti cat.
3. That cupcake dog.
4. まる! (Maru!)
5. Slow loris.

Groups of people I’ve been asked not to upset

1. My step family.
2. The Chinese.
3. Ken Orr.
4. Sad people.
5. The Hard Deaf.

Best New Zealand Christian bands that don’t admit it anymore

1. Stereogram.
2. Brooke Fraser.
3. Supergroove.
4. The Deceptikonz.
5. Ken Orr and the Abortionists.

Headlines upon John Key’s ousting as PM

1. “Key — Cut.”
2. “Key — Locked Out.”
3. “Keystone of National Party Falls.”
4. “Out of Key.”
5. “Politician Seeks New Post: Keen?”

Causes of kitchen fires

1. Not looking while cooking.
2. Looking too intently while cooking.
3. Smoking when trying to gas yourself to death.
4. Letting toddlers make flambéd anything.
5. Arson.

Foods of oppression

1. Lamb Flaps.
2. Water melon.
3. Fried Chicken.
4. Palm Oil.
5. Breast Milk.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. Newsthub: No need to kill cats Mittens, owners should be responsible – Wellington Mayor Justin Lester
  2. Where Does Your Student Services Levy Go?
  3. Presidential Address
  4. Simran Rughani Resigns from VUWSA
  5. Score Steamed Hams with Seymour for Society Soirée
  6. VUWSA Launches Student Mental Health Campaign
  7. Tragicomic Webseries
  8. Issue 18, Vol 81: Under the Surface
  9. NT: Te Ara Tauira
  10. Queer Coverage: Local, National, and International LGBTQIA+ News
Website-Cover-Photo7

Editor's Pick

This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided