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August 17, 2009 | by  | in News |
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Religious loons, baby-killers have reasonable debate

In the week that wasn’t at Albert University

Somerset’s Albert University has done its part to tackle the topic of abortion, with the faculty of science playing host last week to a series of reasoned conversations between members of several fundamentalist religious sects and a group of militant pro-abortion lobbyists.

The three day conference included a series of uneventful debates where each side listened calmly to countervailing opinions, then presented their own in the spirit of respectful disagreement. While no eventual compromise was reached, spokespeople for the groups each expressed how much better they understood the alternative points of view.

In one particularly uneventful debate, the religious leaders chose to base their case on rational scientific evidence as to whether or not ‘life’ begins at conception rather than the voices in their head, while feminist representatives agreed there may be some credence to the idea that an unborn child could conceivably have rights after all.

“I simply couldn’t believe that after all these years of misunderstanding between us, it turns out that both sides of the argument actually have something valid to say,” said Sarah Yards, representative for the militant pro-abortionists.

“To think it was only days earlier that me and my sisters would spit at them and call them bigots, when all the while they were just doing what they thought was right.”

The otherwise smooth event was only briefly marred by a lone picketer, who was promptly asked to quiet down by religious representatives who luckily avoided any semblance of pack mentality. The militant pro-abortionists calmly reminded everyone present of the picketers’ right to peacefully disagree with their position.

“We are deeply embarrassed by the individual who attempted to protest on behalf of us,” said Deacon Walter Blues.

“I don’t think any of us religious fanatics truly believe that wild sign waving and incoherent screaming is the best way to get our opinions heard, and it saddened me that he adopted these methods.

“Having said that, we certainly are keen to listen to what protestors have to say—after all, if there is one thing the church has always stood for, it’s that nobody has sole claim to absolute truth.”

Unfortunately, mainstream media outlets chose not to cover the event due to the lack of confrontation. A noted current affairs commentator simply said, “Nobody would pay to advertise during that.”

The lack of publicity outside of the narrow audience of this Salient exclusive has resulted in an unexpectedly low amount of conference-related revenue for the university which, citing budgetary constraints as trumping any pursuit of academia or absolute truth, have indicated that plans to repeat the conference in subsequent years will likely be aborted.

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  1. Jake Quinn says:

    satire, oh how i love thee ;)

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