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August 17, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Steinliar

beer

I had a Steinlager Edge last night. All of a sudden I was playing golf, in a trendy bar, while beautiful women flirted with me, and my handsome mates and I all clinked out Steinlager Edges together.

I had experienced the full life that comes with a full-flavour mid-strength beer.

Actually, I had a Steinlager Edge last night. I had a sip and poured the rest down the drain because it is tasteless watery crap.

Marketing and beer have a strange relationship: it seems the better your marketing is, the worse the beer. Tui is a perfect example. But Steinlager has been promoting itself as New Zealand’s best beer for decades and has recently spawned other variations of itself.

At my current job I’ve been reading the marketing blurbs on the side of these beers. It’s been hard not to yell out in frustration at the meaningless dribble and lies that end up on the labels.

I will now translate marketing language to the truth for three Steinlager incarnations.

Steinlager Classic (5%)
Marketing says: New Zealand’s finest lager. Crisp. Clean. Full Flavour. NZ’s distinctive green bullet hops give Steinlager Classic the edge that makes it the envy of brewers world over. With an exhaustive list of international awards Steinlager is undisputedly NZ’s finest.

I say: New Zealand’s most overrated lager. Dirty. Skunky. Awful Flavour. NZ’s green bullet hops give Steinlager Classic the flavours of sheep shit and grass that makes it almost undrinkable. With its last major award won years ago, Steinlager is undisputedly dwelling in the past.

Steinlager Edge (3.5%)
Marketing Says: This distinctive full flavoured lager has been carefully crafted by our award winning brewers to be a crisp and refreshing mid-strength beer. Brewed to the edge, then carefully crafted to attain perfect balance, it is low in carbs and has no additives.

I say: This generic flavourless lager has been brewed by an automated megabrewery to be a characterless and watery mid-strength beer. Brewed to a high alcohol percentage, then carefully diluted with water to attain 3.5% perfectly, it is possibly the most flavourless beer in existence and you might as well drink water.

Steinlager Pure (5%)
Marketing says: Pure.

I say: Pure water.

When drinking beer, think: am I drinking this because an advertisement told me to? Or because this beverage actually tastes good, if like anything at all?

My general rule is: if there is a TV ad for it, it’s crap.

If you have any questions about this week’s beers or any comments, please email me at davethebeerguy@gmail.com.

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