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August 10, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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teh grammerz test

tehgrammerz

All right kiddies. No grammerz lesson today—instead Shirley and I are going to test your grammar. You probably weren’t expecting this, but you need to be prepared. Because bad grammar can strike anywhere, anytime. When you go to uni. When you take out your recycling. When you pay your rent. When you fucking sleep.

So here’s the deal. In order be prepared for life in the real world, you’re gonna do this test on grammar. First you need to read the questions and circle your answer for each. Or tick them, or write them down in your head or something, I don’t really care how you do it. You’re just going to fail anyway.

Then, once you’ve finished the quiz, check the answers on page 25 and calculate your score. With your score—maybe you want to write it down somewhere so you don’t forget—head back here and look below for Shirley’s in-depth analysis of your grammerz ability.

TEH GRAMMERZ TEST

NAME:

Q1. Talking about the zombie’s bed sheets, how many zombies am I referring to?
a) Only one.
b) A whole apocalypse of zombies.
c) Could be any number.

Q2. Which of the following is correct?
a) OMG, where’d its upper half go???
b) Oh fuck, where’d its upper half go?
c) Oh fuck, where’d it’s upper half go?

Q3. Shirley’s cat has cat herpes. Which word in this sentence is the verb?
a) herpes
b) has
c) The second cat.

Q4. The werewolves and vampires are having…
a) their party.
b) they’re party.
c) there party.

Q5. The correct answer is also the most awesome.
a) Why not!
b) Why not?!
c) Why not

Q6. Pingu is licensed to kill. This sentence uses…
a) New Zealand/British English spelling.
b) American English spelling.
c) spelling not specific to either.

Q7. Slowly sneaking Marmite (the cheeky cat) steals muffins filled with chocolatey goodness. Where should a hyphen go in this sentence?
a) Slowly-sneaking
b) cheeky-cat
c) …Nowhere?

Q8. Which of the following is a Latin expression?
a) R.I.P.
b) GmbH
c) BTW

Q9. Which of the following is in the perfect tense?
a) We would eat many pies for breakfast.
b) We have eaten many pies for breakfast.
c) We will have eaten many pies for breakfast.

Q10. I’m a dendrophiliac. I have sex with trees. [Awkward silence]. Which word in this sentence is a preposition?
a) dendrophiliac
b) with
c) Awkward

Click here for the answers.

Results

cat

All correct: ’Tis Okay. [A]

Your cat equivalent: Twitching ear.

So, you think you’re super smart now, just because you managed to get them all right? Wong. Like the title suggests, ‘tis okay, nothing special. You are like a twitching ear that cats get when they sleep. Sometimes it’s really cool. But mostly it’s just lame.

9–8: Adequate. [B]

Your cat equivalent: Droopy whisker.

Let me get this straight, you were only one or two away from a perfect score? But you fucked up along the way? Shame. Your score indicates that you are like a droopy whisker. Why? I’d like to know too.

7–5: Average. [C]

Your cat equivalent: Flea-bitten tail.

A cat’s tail has an involuntary movement. That’s probably what happened in your brain as it told you to pick the wrong answers.

4–3: Sigh. [D]

Your cat equivalent: Herpes-infested eye.

Herpes is a pretty sad virus, but it’s an accurate reflection of your pretty sad result. And herpes doesn’t go away. Again, another reflection.

2–1: Fail. [E]

Your cat equivalent: Poo on a Butt-hole.

How the hell did you get into uni? You may as well have gotten nothing right, because your fate is similar to those who didn’t. You are the shit that lingers on the a-hole, not quite the butt-hole, but close enough. Smells just as bad too.

0: EPIC FAIL. [F]

Your cat equivalent: The Butt-hole

The title says it all. So does the butt-hole. Hang on, butt-holes don’t talk. You should probably take that advice (in terms of grammar, of course).

Negative score: TOTAL IDIOT EPIC FAIL EXTRAVAGANZA. [G]

Your cat equivalent: (Insert your name here).

Judging by your score, not only do you fail at quizzes but you fail at life. Well done.

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About the Author ()

Mikey learned everything he knows about English Grammar in an MSN chat room when he was 13. Believing that people don't say "LOL" enough in everyday conversation, he has made it his mission to teach the world about grammerz one person at a time.

Comments (5)

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  1. Bunchies McGyntee says:

    In order <uto be prepared for life in the real world…

    You need the infinitive.

  2. Bunchies McGyntee says:

    In order to be prepared for life in the real world…

    You need the infinitive.

  3. Bunchies McGyntee says:

    Damn!

  4. Mikey says:

    lol grammerz fail

  5. Chopper fuckin' Reid mate says:

    Yeah G’day Mikey n Shirley, bloody good on yaz.

    Haven’t been online in a cupla barbies so I thort I’d dropp by the fuckin’ Salient web n have a few lolz mate, fuckin’ oath.

    Think I faild ya test mate, bt teh grammerz b changin’ wot with them fuckin’ fones you bloody young’uns got n the way bloody national jst lets anyone on the fuckin’ web.

    Anyway, I’m off to drink some piss mate, good on ya.
    ‘Shirley you can’t be serious’ ahh ha ha, wot a lol, mate

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