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September 28, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Dirty sex column part 3

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It sure is hard making the twenty-five dollars I planned to have by the time I was a million years old. Everything costs so much money these days, food, computers, food to feed to my computer, even having a brain is expensive! Using my brain costs money! When I was a bit younger my brother fell on my head and chopped it open with a little lego pirate. Now my brain forces me, ACC style, to pay it to work. It just wants to take the rest of my life off! Slack. It costs me $5 to remember my name, $15 to do one of these articles, $20 to think about maths, and $100 to remember what a naked woman looks like. I can’t believe my brain would sell me pornography! But now I think my computer is trying to sell me some as well! And that is just the beginning—some of our university computers these days are racist. There are times when I have been typing up articles for Salient and all of a sudden there is all this naughty racism throughout my article. And I didn’t put it there. Jackson is really annoyed by it, and so am I. Racism is not cool, unless it’s a stand-up comedian doing it, not a computer. They’re too nerdy to pull it off.

This week I have paid my brain to write the third and final part of this dating guide—we’ll be finishing off with some seminar-style practical dating experience.

Okay so we just watched Sex Trek: The next Penetration, and here we are on the town. It’s Friday night, and it’s all on.

for the ladies

Women, you have had it hard. You have put up with all kinds of foolishness from us men, and you deserve better. Henceforth, I will teach you how to snag the perfect man.

Men are simple creatures. They like beer, Xbox, and another beer, thanks. You should communicate with them in few words, preferably make up some flashcards with pictures of what you want (don’t put a wedding ring on it yet though). If you like, put an Xbox in your dating backpack and sensually drape the controllers over your shoulders. Men also like building intricate things, so why not theme your outfit with some miniature railway and World War II model pieces? Braid your hair with drill bits and sockets, and you’re looking incredibly enticing without being a skank.

for the men

First men, we need to address something: I am so shocked at the continuing oppression of women. Some of you oppress women without even realising. It is just utterly disgusting. They are so oppressed. They are not allowed to wear hard hats, work in construction, drive forklifts or start wars. It is totally unacceptable. Why should they have to sit around having babies all day while we drive round in forklifts shooting each other? I can’t think of a single woman who started a war, except I think my girlfriend might have been trying to start one with me when she dumped me. That was a weird war, I couldn’t seem to win that one.

So let me show you how it’s done, fellas. Get off your forklifts and we’ll go and meet some ladies… I wonder who I can surprise with a naughty wee sex move… maybe if I just sneak up on this one with the shaved head and tattoos… she looks the rough and tumble type… uhh… has she got someone in a headlock? Oh no, that’s just hair… but that’s Okay… personality is what’s important, remember that… she’s definitely pretty hairy for a woman though….

Hey, that’s not a woman! Oh, man it’s hard to see things with these stupid glasses on! Look, you’re supposed to be my wingman, come on.

Relationship experts, who are in their thirties and forties and are still single, agree that the sure-fire way to get a signed contract of relations with a full legal liability waiver in the chambers of a Chief Justice of the Peace is to actually—and this is definitely a bit wierd—go up to a woman and talk to her.

Now don’t be scared, men, just think of the old Transformers cartoon. You know how Soundwave just absorbs the energon cubes into his breasts? This is what the woman is going to do to you, just relax, and let it happen. This is why Soundwave was not in the modern Transformers movies: parents would have complained about energon molestation.

So be cocky and funny. Go up to the lady in your targeting reticule, smile, grin, grab her cheek and jiggle it round like she’s your long lost son.

Don’t confuse it with runny and cocky, which is just running around with your cock out. This is cool to do up and down the spiral stairs in the Kirk building, but I wouldn’t do it around your lady until at least the second date.

Or you could ask her if she’s pregnant, then say ‘whoops’—and tell her she’s just fat. She’ll be so relieved that she’s not pregnant; it’s like a total compliment.

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