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September 21, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Dr Grammar

tehgrammerz

Welcome to, “<the>” Grammar[Z] (<-- see appendix) column [Koh-Limm]. You’re first NZ (NZ first, political, so...) lesson with grammar is that it is always wise to have a wee intro or welcome before you begin, or just a wee. So: Welcome to the welcoming part of the introduction to the welcome. Hopefully our electrocution is appropriate, because, after today, no doubt you will all be copying it.

Us linguists, who are very cunning, here in the Salient lingual of cunningness department, are now working on the age-old problem of “Was the dude who was first called Sebastian fat?” This is because Sebastian comes from the word sebaceous, meaning ‘he who eats beetles like Jabba and doesn’t get much natural light’.

We haven’t come up with much. We talked about Fallout 2 for a bit. Did you know Bethesda has announced Fallout 4? That is pretty sweet.

TEH ROOLINGZ:
1. Do not unnever ever never use two many of the same word never ever again and again again again:

Cody took the form of blue emo-dragon, formally formalizing the formality of formative formativism. “What form are you in bro?” he asked his high school friend.

2. And don’t be rude:

Jim did big smelly farts, out of his bum, and his willy-pubes flapped in the breeze.

Instead, say:

Jim’s rectation performed a perfectly natural and necessary bodily function, and the Human Resources Division did not create a written warning upon his singular anality, that was conforming to the bioterrorism act.

3. The word ‘use’ has an E on the end in both forms:

“Hey, are youse fullas useing that?”

4. You should NEVER EVER start sentences with a preposition, such as ‘and’:

And make sure your vowel movements are smooth and regular.

5. And always make heaps of Fallout 2 quotes in normal conversation:

“I’m fine, Grandma! And I’ll have booze, Wooz.”

6. When in doubt, use an apostrophe:

She sell’s sea shell’s by the sea shore, s’o say’s S’arah’’’.

7. Spelling is also very important. The English language is phony tits, which means everything is written like it sounds?

then i liek powned this noob lol and he wuz liek wtf dude!!!!11111111

Also, if you lack the appropriate letters to spell the word, it is acceptable to use Russian ones instead:

FAUST: “A camel? A camel you say?” (pause)

MEPHISTOPHELES: “Are you batty old man?”

FAUST: (exits staжe right)

9. The most important rule when it comes to punctuation is to make it up as you go along. Another way to do this is to write your sentence, then randomly add bits of punctuation afterwards:

Wh€ň I was ç yung snaþ whipper wouud come home a£†er school 4or a he…ewdge Pl8 of asp@rªgus 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288™ and trebuchet it intoo my mouth wi†h the constant bollo‚king from my foxe and go§h oh gee we were,  ,happy in tĥosŒ days, beƒore dad died of a hedo∏istic tiMarto payst őverdose:!?(c)”?

10. The language of grammar is also the language of love:

“Now let Skins tell you sloth jockeys a little tongue whip about the language… of love.

Baby, when the moon is bright in the sweetness of your eye, it’s time to make another… your lover… and the stars are pointing to Skins. Skins de Slick.

Skins de Slick is an expert in the comma sutra, so don’t worry, baby, this will only last a clause… then we’ll slide to the next clause.

Baby, you on your period? Skins has a capital to start your next sentence, and he ain’t talkin’ ‘bout no Washington Monument neither.

Smooooooth.”

11. See rule number 7. Are you useing it?

12. Always make sure you use the right tense:

“Eisha… I haven’t known you for long, but I think you should know… I’m a serial killer. Killing people, it’s like, really intense, eh.”

Now let’s play some Tragic.

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