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September 21, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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HEY VUWSAR!! YOU NEED… TIME MAGAZINE’S PERSON OF THE YEAR…

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You may have realised that Jackson is leaving this earthly dimension to work as a cabinet maker in a giant beehive, building things for the queen. I only hope he does not get stung. This means he will not be writing Salient next year, because his fingers will be all sticky from the honey. Naturally, there were many applications for his job, and I distinctly remember starting a lot of fights in the office, and throwing things while waiting for my interview. The following is a transcript of my CV and the actual interview I did…

To be the phat-tist bit-ching-ist hy-ph-in8in mo-fo this side of the Tallahachie Bridge, and do this! Look: I am utterly perfect to edit this book.

At a mere 56 years old, I am in touch with the youth of today, the portable eye-pods and the ear-thingies, the web-net, and this roll and rock music. The Beatles, yeah! Hea-vy, man!

If i am placed upon the altar, my heart sliced in the shape of dead executive on a mound of student loan repayment court orders motif and the divine ones channel to me the sacred occultist blood-drenched powers, I will…

  • Give the fingers to everyone else who applied.
  • Probably eat more often.
  • I won’t give up drinking though.
  • Do nothing all xmas holidays, then read all of Mikey’s teh grammerz articles the day before I start and email hundreds of questions to him requesting immediate reply.
  • Give everyone, no matter what race, colour, gender—even people who still listen to Creed—the right to arm bears*.
  • Totally disallow any article that has sentences like “One of the greatest slights against the indigenous peoples of…”—not on my watch, mate. Stuff that students care about, please, like writing on toilets, and sentences that go HAHAHAHALOLLOLLOLLOL1111111!!!!!!!!!@!!)(*^&*&$%!!
  • Hire goku_karori_28 and 29 and start a secret underground p\/\/|/|@g3 competition with gambling, until they <@|\| each other to death.
  • Build this kick-ass news team of mine their own radar dish, their own Fox Network, quad bikes for everyone in the office (swivelly chairs will be a thing of the past) and a movie set for Jean Pierre Olivier. Oh, and no one’s allowed to turn off the quad bikes, they sound cool.
  • Give Superior Mind his own page, a company forklift, some trousers, a high five, an unlimited number of monkeys and an unlimited amount of time with which to write the VUWSA meeting agendas.
  • Give everyone (even you) a pay rise.
  • Give me an even bigger pay rise.
  • Give me another even bigger pay rise.
  • Honestly, I am perfect for the job, ay.
  • Cure AIDS, fix traffic, solve the world’s money shortage, beat cancer, destroy global warming, sing in a platinum-selling rock band for Africa, and make it back home in time for tea.
  • Not have a God complex.
  • Build a swimming pool on the roof, with the VUWSA budget.
  • Get a reserved car park, company secretary, good dress sense, and hustling manner of urgency like Jackson has.
  • Do not let ANYONE write stuff like “Equality workspace diversing of safety management quality contr-” I don’t think so, yeah nah fuck off mate, that writing is lame. That sucks.
  • And a payrise for pudding.

So what’s my issue plan? Let me tell you:

The Farts Issue
Why are farts so funny? Why are they still cool, even today?

The Chuck Norris Issue
Why is Chuck Norris so funny? Why is he still cool, even today?

The Global Warming Issue
Why is global warming so funny? Why is it still cool, even today?

The Invisible Issue
In this issue I will say that only cool intelligent mature people can see it, but there won’t be an issue at all! So everyone can have the week off, with full pay.

The Beer Issue
Me, Dave the Beer Guy, and lots of beer. More of an ‘experimential’ issue, than an ‘actual physical’ one. So everyone can have the week off, with full pay.

Let’s not forget about orientation week: The N00b Issue
Why aren’t first years funny? Why aren’t they cool, even today?

I don’t want to write too much about first years, I could probably write the whole thing myself, actually. So everyone can have the week off, with full pay.

The Only Issue
Only get one copy printed and have all the students deathmatch each other for it in the quad. So everyone can have the rest of the year off, with full pay.

So why would I be perfect for the job?

Well you haven’t even asked me what my strengths are yet! Are you going to ask or what? Let me tell you about my strengths before I tell you about my perfects:

  • My main focus is for an equality workspace diversing of safety management quality control contraptions.
  • Management—I’m a dynamic, team leader, ultra, high-flying, company, productive, high rising individual, rising high, being individual, individualising, highly dividing in dual, in a manner of dualistic indivision of rising height.
  • Trouble Shooting—If I fall asleep at work, and you get me in trouble, I’ll come after you and fucking shoot you.
  • I have all the transformer toys from the first generation, even Scorpinok.
  • Of course I have Optimus Prime, like, duh.

So why hire me? Well—shit what was that? That, right behind you! Oh, you missed it dude! Man, wow, like what the hell was that? That could have been a flying saucer, or a tea saucer, or a rugby ball, or someone closing the door—yeah, so what were we talking about? Oh yeah, yeah, Scorpinok rules, but Apeface is a robot and an ape, and a plane, he’s a triple-changer like Astrotrain—that’s out of it, ay, a space shuttle that’s also a train! Oh yeah, and I love Omega Supreme how he’s a tank that goes around that train track going nyeoarm vroom vroom, then a rocket ship. Well, I better get hitting the old dusty trail…

High 5s to Mr McCaffrey for this idea, and for his ideas about free-dumb.

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  1. AnneofGreenGables says:

    Hahaha,,, You’ve got my vote for Editor 2010.

  2. Nehpets Notgnittihw says:

    Except you can’t vote.

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