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September 21, 2009 | by  | in Film |
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I Love You Beth Cooper

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Last night, my flatmate Fergus and I had the misfortune of cashing in on a free double movie pass from 91zm to the smoking hot Hayden Panettiere’s new movie I Love You Beth Cooper. It was kind of like cashing in a sex voucher with a 54-year-old hooker who won’t let you use a condom.

The movie was so terrible it inspired me to write a review warning for anyone who reads this to avoid it like a used syringe. I don’t imagine anyone would seriously consider seeing this movie in the first place, in fact I do not imagine it features on your radar at all—this is just making sure you continue to neglect it. The people need to know.

Paul Rust, with a nose that easily trumps Steve Carrell’s, creates the ugliest and most nasal leading man I have ever seen in Denis Cooverman, the high school valedictorian, who professes his love for cheerleader Beth Cooper in his parting high school speech. What ensues is Superbad’s awkward third cousin, as Beth and her two friends arrive at Denis’ two-man leaving school party, and a night of cinematic chaos (the bad kind) ensues. The jokes, sight gags and acting are as hilarious as a day on the Gaza strip. The lone bright spot, which in reality is more like a very gently flickering candle light, comes in the form of Denis’ best friend Rich (Jack Carpenter), a middle-classed man’s Seth Cohen.

Rust paints such a pathetic Cooverman I wound up rooting against him, praying that one of the school bullies would dislocate his jaw, walk up to the camera and turn it off. His character takes objection with all the ‘fun’ Beth and her two hooker friends try to instigate, which during the seconds I was caught up in the movie, frustrated me even more.

As a part of their wild night out, Beth and Denis buy 12 beers to share between the five friends. They drink these in the woods and while Beth and Denis are given space to wax lyrical about high school and the future, Rich, Hooker 1 and Hooker 2 (I don’t believe the characters were given names) stumble upon a field of cows and try to tip them. This is not the plot of a teen movie; this is a fourth form party in Southland.

After a rambunctious night out, a destroyed house, a few lessons learned and me tossing up whether I’d give a testicle or family member to erase what I’d seen from my brain, the film ends with a father-son moment, as Denis’ dad tells a weary Denis he will need to punished for his antics. Denis replies “Whatever that punishment is, it was all worth it.” No Denis. No Chris Columbus. No 91ZM, it was not worth it.

I Love You Beth Cooper
Directed by Chris Columbus
Written by Larry Doyle
With Hayden Panettiere, Paul Rust and Jack T. Carpenter

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  1. Mutty says:

    Thank god you reviewed this film, you have saved me $14 !!

  2. Willy says:

    Sounds like great punishment for a misbehaving child.

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