News story written solely for getting Mum’s cat into news section
A 24-year-old soon-to-be-former news editor of an award-winning student magazine has strategically placed a photo of his mother’s cat in his news section for the sole purpose of strategically placing a photo of his mother’s cat in his news section.
Michael Oliver, the News Editor of Salient, quantifiably the best student magazine in New Zealand, had been promising his mother he would somehow dupe his superiors into letting her cat Johnny be in the publication.
After discovering the final issue for 2009 was to be called Failient, Oliver took his chance, writing an entire news story—this one, for all you geniuses out there—about getting Johnny into Salient.
Oliver said the decision to let Johnny in wasn’t exactly tough.
“[Editor] Jackson Wood is like an owl chasing a ping-pong ball that’s been heated in the microwave for 20 seconds. Distract him, and you’re given carte blanche to do whatever the hell you want,” he explained.
“I love Johnny, and believe his presence in this seldom-read section of the magazine is pawsome.”
Others have disagreed with Oliver’s choice. VUWSARR President Tasman Dismantle found the cute ‘lil so-n-so taking up valuable space in her [sic] publication offensive.
“VUWSARR finds cats inappropriate,” Dismantle explained.
“VUWSARR finds just about everything inappropriate.
“Remember when VUWSARR didn’t lay a leaf on ANZAC Day? Inappropriate. Remember when Mole Osgove set himself on fire during that SRC three people turned up to? Inappropriate. Remember when I woke up this morning? Inappropriate.”
In a surprising twist, one of Dismantle’s most ardent critics has come out in support of her. Workers’ Party mailboy and full-time living joke Alistair Heath called the decision to let Johnny take up space a disastrous move.
“You think there’s gonna be time for cats when the revolution comes, hmm? You think? THINK. AGAIN. FRIEND.” Heath said.
“We’ll all be too busy parading in the street, punching the air and shouting ‘VIVA LA REVOLUTION’ to be worrying about domestic pet care.”
Some, however, have come out in support of Johnny’s appearance, including the cat himself.
“OH HO HO, I’M JOHNNY, AND I’M SO FREE,” said Johnny through a translator.
“PEOPLE MIGHT NOT LIKE MY FACE, BUT I AM CUTE, AND I AM WILD. THEY CALL ME…KAIMANAWA.”
It is a little-known fact that Johnny frequently disappears from home days at a time to spend time living underneath the Ashhurst Primary School Hall, or the Ashhurst Bowling Club.
It is for this reason, and this reason only, people know him by the moniker…Kaimanawa.