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October 5, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Montana Gisborne Chardonnay 2008


Type: White Wine

In my time reviewing wines, I’ve experienced a major problem. I often spend seven to ten dollars a week buying wine just so you can have a little giggle at my uneducated rants. None of this is subsidised, but I get published, so it’s not that bad. Plus, people tell me how much they like my work, and being as I am—a pompous, self-assured egotist—this sits well with me.

However, this financial aspect of my writing is often not sustainable. As such, I find myself scamming wine from my friends, drinking as much as I can get my hands at parties while making notes, and, as you’ll see today, scaling down my operation.

Today’s wine, the Montana Gisborne Chardonnay 2008, may seem like a wine that does not fit my price range on first glance. However, the 187ml bottle of Montana Gisborne Chardonnay 2008 does so very nicely, clocking in with a tidy RRP of $5.20 (approximate value). So, after arriving home from a screening of Funny People, I needed something to take the edge off. After all, sitting in a cinema watching Leslie Mann ‘act’ for two hours is a memory that only alcohol can erase.

Upon opening the wine, I was struck by a smell not unlike that of waldorf salad—strong, odd, and slightly walnutty. And while Microsoft SpellCheck does not think either waldorf or walnutty are words, I maintain that this is what the wine smelled like, so fuck you, Paperclip, you don’t know shit. The wine’s taste, on the other hand, is exceptionally unexceptional. It’s absolutely what you expect from a white wine, and if you go in expecting some five-star One Ring-quality shit that would make Dark Lords scour the land for centuries for it, well, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

The one thing Montana Gisborne Chardonnay 2008 packs which sets it apart from the bunch is the aftertaste. The wine does not so much slide down your throat as it does dig some glaives into the walls of your oesophagus and drag them all the way down. It’s a violent, aggressive final sensation that screams “OH, YOU THOUGHT THAT MY SIZE MEANT I WAS WEAK, HUH? WELL THAT’S WHAT YOUR MUM SAID LAST NIGHT, AND THEN I BANGED HER!” It’s an unpleasant thrill that sends an unholy shiver down your side and makes you pray to whatever metaphysical deity you believe in (or it’ll just make you frown a little, whatever’s your bag).

The Montana Gisborne Chardonnay 2008 may look unassuming, with its handbag-sized bottle and its ‘come hither’ hue. However, once consumed, it becomes clear that this is the stonefish of wines—inconspicuous, unnoticeable, and utterly lethal when touched.

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  1. Joelle says:

    love the JCCPNBC story. well done. nice crisp, refreshing wine writing.

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