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October 5, 2009 | by  | in News |
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University passes controversial “Whatevs” policy

Despite months of lobbying from student and teacher groups, Victoria University will roll out its controversial “Whatevs” policy in 2010.

From next year, all staff will be required to answer questions concerning the quality of education at the university with the officially sanctioned “Whatevs” response.

It will also be used to sound off on a number of complicated university issues, particularly the way classes are taught, the way research is conducted, and the way lecturers and tutors interact with students.

Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh said the policy would allow university staff to focus on matters of real consequence.

“Staff now have the freedom to engage with students on an intelligent and truthful level,” he said.

“No longer will they be burdened by Little Charlie Puddleface and his want of an extension for FILM 101. All they need do now is flip the switch to ‘Whatevs’ and watch the bad times roll away.”

VUWSAR has vehemently denounced the decision, calling it a blatant disregard for student welfare.

“VUWSAR realises that the university is facing difficulties sourcing additional funding, but it simply doesn’t abide by this decision,” said VUWSAR President Tasman Dismantle.

“I spoke with Professor Wolsh yesterday and his response, get this, was ‘Whatevs’. What’s that supposed to mean?! You can’t just whatevs on the Whatevs policy!”

However, students seemed suitably indifferent towards the announcement.

“One of my media lecturers is already trialling it, eh,” said Matt McGonagal, 21.

“He was talking about media law when I asked him if he could explain the law of defamation again, and his answer was ‘whatevs’.

“So yeah, if you’re reading this Professor Andrews, you insurance fraud-committing-child-kidnapping-murdering-bowls-playing bastard, go to hell.”

Political parties have begun to wade in on the decision, with both Labour and the Greens voicing their disapproval.

However, the government’s response was surprisingly in line with the university’s.

“Minister Ann Dolly is… well… she’s neither here nor there on this one. I dunno, she’s just… meh, you know? Just kinda on the fence there, just, just wondering what to do,” said a spokesperson for Tertiary Education Minister Ann Dolly.

“I mean…[loud, audible yawn], fuck, what time is it? 4:30pm? Cool, half-four out the door,” he said, before collecting his things and going home.

Salient also asked the university to clarify whether or not this would mean a cavalier approach to the announcement of domestic fees for 2010, but Communications Director Madison Fletchel said she was unable to comment because her phone was on the other side of the room.

“She said she’d answer calls when her arms grow longer, or whatevs,” an unnamed staffer explained.

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