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March 8, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at

Dear Miss Candy – as a woman of a certain age now attending Vic I find myself confronted by a question of ‘social’ etiquette. I am surrounded by nubile flesh and as such am conflicted whether to embrace and/or deface said flesh. Is this the province of the lecturers only? Can older students also partake? Don’t want to put a foot wrong just this yet. Any advice? Mrs B.

Hi Mrs B, and thanks for your letter.

A lot of the kids in lecture theatres are probably wondering the same thing—can I grope my neighbour’s boob/box during Grant Morris’ Powerpoint presentation? The answer is always the same, except maybe on Touch A Boob Day (which appears to have been cancelled as it no longer shows up on Facebook—what happened there? In any case, it’s not going ahead so don’t touch a boob): NO.

You may not embrace-slash-deface any flesh other than your own without consent. Even lecturers need to get consent. Tutors too. And non-academic staff.
I don’t think this is an issue of age—students may be attracted to their more mature peers, especially if you’re repeating the course for the third year in a row. Although that may be because you’re a numpty.
Yours truly,

Candy Badger


how do i tell my extremely christian family i’ve turned my back on religion?


Those religios eh. With their Jesus bread and Christmas. So religious.
Really, all you can do is tell them. You could get drunk first if it helps. You could wear a silly hat. Or you could blame it on Richard Dawkins. These are all effective suggestions.
Maybe don’t expect any gifts next festive season.


Dearest Candy,

Firstly, do you have a fetish for sweets and animals? If so, is it appropriate you give us advice?

Secondly, this boy and I made a mutual decision to just be friends after kind of seeing each other.
At first this was good. But now I realise I still have feelings for him. Should I say something or let sleeping dogs lie (I made a reference to an animal just for you).

Pants are Cool.

Dear you,
I’m afraid I have to disagree; I reject pants at every opportunity. One time I wore pants and it sucked. However, I am considering clingfilm wrapping my legs together and splashing about in a bathtub and pretending to be a mermaid, but that’s a story for another day.

I have a fetish for neither sweets nor animals; nay, I prefer stealing people’s underwear off clotheslines to use in my quilting.

Onto the real issue at hand! Go back and say something, you silly sausage. Maybe practise in the mirror first, unless you’re ugly. If he is adamant he just wants to be friends, then you can go score his mates. I would.

Thank you kindly for your correspondence,

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