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March 15, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at
candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Candy,

What would you do if your son was at home, crying out loud on the bedroom floor,

‘Cos he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him is to,

Sleep with a man for a ‘lil bit of money?

Worried.

Dear Worried,

Why did you have a child? They are the world’s curse. Why is your child on the floor? Get in bed, loser.

Obviously sexing got you into this mess, and therefore isn’t the answer. Sex is not the answer! Remember that. There will be a test. I recommend looking into part-time work that involves keeping your clothes on. Or stripping. Just stop it with the doing.

Sarah Robson won’t let me suggest putting your son in a sack and throwing him in the river, but apparently it’s okay to say you should put him in a basket and float him down the river. Maybe there’s a better home for him down there.

Alternatively you could eat your son.

Thanks for writing in,
Candy

[Editor’s note: Salient does not endorse cannibalism, or the abandonment of children. Badgers clearly have no clue about the human world. Or something.]

Dear Miss Badger,

I am more confused than a confused person. You see i may have grown a slight crush on a guy in all but one of my classes (slight may be considered a bit of an understatement) and i don’t know if he likes me. This question may seem like i am a 14 yr old girl which i am not, i just feel that if i ask him out and he is not interested, i will dig myself a hole to china and won’t be able to get out… having to endure awkward moments in class and feeling more rejected than Britney Spears.

Also I might add, I do not want to end up like one of those girls that can’t bear to be without a boyfriend and has to be with someone or else they think they would die from loneliness. 

Do you have any advice?
Confused Love

Oh Confused,

I’ve been there. I had a crush on a guy in my POLS 323: Researching Politics paper. One time I think we sat in the same row and I nearly peed my pants with excitement. I jest—I really did pee my pants. I was too nervous to talk to him though—until a friend introduced us a year later. We ended up going out for two and a half years.

So, let’s think about your options here:

a) you say nothing, have a crush on him forever, spend the rest of your life alone wondering what might have been (or at least until a friend introduces you);

b) you go sit next to him and engage in polite and friendly classmate conversation (probably don’t tell him you sit behind him in all your other classes and snip off locks of his hair);

c) jump him.

I’m thinking b) is probably the most effective of these suggestions. But either way, it probably won’t be that awkward if you get rejected—just come in late and sit up the back for the rest of the semester. Or, if he tells you he has a girlfriend, say really loudly “HAHA TRICKS LIKE I’D DATE YOU ANYWAY”. I believe in you.

<3 Candy

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