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March 22, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at

We begin this week with a thank you letter from someone who wrote in a few weeks ago, asking for advice about doing their flatmate:

Ms Badger

I wanted to write and thank you for your advice. We had a talk, admittedly we were both drunk at the time and he said things he didn’t mean and didn’t remember. But then we had another talk when we were both sober and got things sorted. And then we had another talk when we were drunk and he was kind of delirious but confirmed he’s not a forever kind of guy.

The sex is fun so he’ll do until I find someone who will sex me and feed me chocolate while I watch House.

Flatmate Doer

And now for this week’s questions!

Candidius badgerus,

my flatmates keep sexing and I don’t know what to do! awkward! pls halp.

– pegasuspants

Dear Pegasuspants,
Is it noisy sex? Oh God, you didn’t hear their attempts at erotic asphyxiation, did you?

I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Sex is very normal, especially for drunk students. If they’re doing it on the couch when you’re trying to watch TV, you might need to leave a strongly-worded note on the fridge. Or ask to join in. Options!

Otherwise, just be happy someone around here’s getting action.
Be safe,


P.S. Do you live with Flatmate Doer perchance?

Dear Candy Badger,

Date me. Nah, just kidding. I know you’re really a dude, so how about giving me some dudely advice. There’s this girl in my first year comp sci class I’m totally diggin but whenever I ask her back to my hostel for drinks she tells me she has something else on but won’t say what it is. How do you get your mack on with hot chicks from class?
Thanks Candy “no” Vadger,

Dear Mark,
Thanks for revealing my secret. I’m going to come to the Cotton Building and smack you in the face with my massive cock. In front of this girl you like.

<3 Candy

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