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March 29, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a longstanding crush on a really cute girl who works in the same office as me. We get on swell and I would totally ask her on a date, but unfortunately there is one tiny little complication… She has a boyfriend. I’ve never met him, but have reason to believe that he is a major douche. What should I do? Is there any way that I can win her over, get him dumped, and still operate within the bounds of acceptable ethical behavior? Please help me Candy Badger, you’re my only hope! 

Yours in awkwardness,
-The Awkward Office Boy

Dear Mr Boy,
A boyfriend eh. Is he bigger than you? Could you take him in a fight? If so (to the latter, not the former), I think you should totally hit that shit. She probably doesn’t like him anyway. Unless she likes douches. Talking about douches is making my mangina feel weird.

My advice is that you should maybe get a mutual friend to ask her if she likes her boyfriend much, and then perhaps drop hints that someone has a crush. Then she’ll totally dump him and go on a magical quest to find out who it is with the crush. Magical like, Candy Mountain stylez. Then you two will fall in love and have tons of bebes.

OR you could somehow communicate to the boyfriend (possibly the same mutual friend) that this floozy is a tramp who’s been cheating on him so he dumps her, at which point she turns to your strong and masculine arms for comfort.

Either is bound to work.
Fingers crossed for you,
Candy

Mandy,

Why is it that I procrastinate so much? I try so hard to do my essays on time, to clean my room, but something always interferes.
How do I become organised? Also, how do I stop spending money I don’t have. 

Help.

Dear Help,
Your name is misleading.

Procrastinating is good. I am doing it by being in the Salient office right now when I should be writing my thesis. Before, I had a sleep-in, and then I woke up and went on the internet and checked Dlisted.com for the latest news, then I got dressed and came to Salient (didn’t bathe) and then I sat for a while, then I ate a burger, and now I’m writing this column, which I’m procrastinating from by telling you about everything else I did.

What I’m trying to say is, put down Salient and write your FUCKING ESSAYS you lazy shit.
Then clean your room and then come over and clean my room. And stop buying things. Eating is expensive. Stop eating. Or eat a baby.

Candy

[Editor’s note: Salient does not endorse the eating of babies.]

Want to have great sex? Sex & Ethics is the programme for you!

Know all about the ‘plumbing’, but not how to check with someone new that you both want to do the same things when you get home?

How do you ask for exactly what you want when it comes to sex?

Can you tell your partner, that you’ve been with for a while, that the kind of sex you’re having is too rough, fast or basic?

Do you know when your relationship is dying and you need to break up?

What do you do if you see a friend in a sexually risky situation—and is it how you would want someone to treat you?

This and more is covered in Sex & Ethics, an eight-week course in preventing unwanted sex.

The programme is about how we make sexual choices—from hook-ups to relationships—so that we can be sure what we are doing is fun for both of us.

It doesn’t tell you what to do—it helps you work out what you want, and how you check this out with someone else—it’s all about having great sex.

This year Sex & Ethics is available:

Victoria University for Residential Advisors, Student Union Building
Wednesdays 6 – 8pm starting 14th April.

Evolve Youth Health Service, Eva St off Dixon St
Mondays 6 – 8pm starting 26th April.

VIBE Youth Health Service, Daly St, Lower Hutt
Tuesdays 6 – 8pm starting 6th April.

Porirua Waitangirua Community Centre, Waitangirua
Tuesdays 6 – 8pm starting 13th April.

Any questions? Contact Sandra at wsanprevention@xtra.co.nz or 473 5355.

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