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March 1, 2010 | by  | in Features |
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(Genuinely) helpful advice from a student

Hello, you little first years! Don’t try to hide in the masses, I see you there with your VUWSA 2010 Diary, National Bank student account, and dear God, did you bring all your books today? Being the new guy makes for a hard-knock existence here, so here’s a gift from me to you, the fresh-faced plebeians of tertiary education, that will make for a smooth transition into Victoria on your first day. I hope.

8:02am—“I just moved here from Africa…”

Oh my God! You’re, like, totally not from around here! Welcome to Wellington! What’s it like to live here? Well, our mascot is a naked man in a blanket, Cuba Mall is the cultural epicentre, and after three shots on a Wednesday, we’re all merry. Call me!

8:43am—“Surely there’s a dress code!”

No shoes, no shirt, don’t care. But if you wish to avoid being ridiculed, you eager-beaver little firstie, don’t wear your High School Leavers Jersey ’09. We’re not Ben Affleck; we don’t care why you are called ‘Fingercuffs’.

9:21am—“Go Fuck The Train!”

The train is a pretty expensive contraption. Simply find a less-costly Child Ten Trip. You won’t believe how satisfying it is to hit someone with your $145.90 Prescribed Book you will never use.

9:53am—“This is the Driveway/ Mt Kilimanjaro…”


10:43am—“Oscar Wilde got it goin’ on!”

As Wildebeest once said, “Punctuality is a virtue of the bored.” So do not hover outside KK303, waiting for your lecture to start. Go to Mount Street Bar in the Student Union Building.

Lunchtime—“Is butter a carb…?”

The Freshman Fifteen: An American phenomenon where a first year student gains 15 pounds during their first year, also seen in New Zealand. So if you don’t want to be a chubba-chubba, pack yourself a healthy alternative: nothing.

Mid afternoon—“Just put it on your Course unRelated Costs.”

Cha-Ching! See your older sibling or their drunken friends.

Anytime after 2pm—“We’ve got alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol…”

After your first day at Victoria, it’s time to broaden your alcoholic horizons, abandon the vodka mixers, and stop taking salt and lemon with your tequila, you dirty philistine.

And once you awaken on Tuesday morning, in someone else’s room in some random hall, there’s only one thing you need:


It’s like What Not To Wear had three whiskey sours and made sweet yet animalistic love to The Onion… Or at least a distant cousin of Stephen Colbert. Salient is the voice of the O-pressed and the D-pressed, while retaining all the wit and artistic integrity one gets from a Bunny Suicides book novel. Each issue is jam-packed with all the news, features, and colour pages you need to read to survive here.

And just so you know, we’re on Facebook.

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