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March 1, 2010 | by  | in News |
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LOL news

LOL news

iCouple’s iMarriage

Now married in the eyes of Jobs

We have found the world’s biggest Apple fancouple.

On the stroke of midnight on Valentine’s Day, Josh and Ting Li, wearing full wedding regalia, their pet shiba inu, Shio, and 20 guests walked down the glass spiral staircase at the Fifth Avenue Apple store in New York.

The couple met while shopping for iPods in the store.

The celebrant dressed like Apple god Steve Jobs in a black mock turtleneck skivvy and jeans and read the vows from his iPhone.

The only part of the ceremony that didn’t go to plan was the couple’s dog refusing to deliver the rings, which were tied to a first-generation iPod on the dog’s collar.

The groom is such a big fan of Apple and Jobs that his vows included a line from a speech that Jobs delivered at Stanford University in June 2005.

“You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down.”

Preach to us Steve, preach.

What else is there to do?

Honestly, it’s Timaru

A Timaru high school is introducing a programme to deter students from binge drinking and boy racing, and set them on a path to responsibility.

Timaru Boys’ High School was one of eight schools around the world to introduce The Rite Journey this year.

The programme, developed by Australian teachers Andrew Lines and Graham Gallasch, “assist[ed] in transforming the adolescent from dependency to responsibility”, the Timaru Herald reported.

Topics included gender identity, non-violence and feelings and beliefs.

It was hoped messages from the programme would spread into some hostels in the future, so the rich kids wouldn’t depend on mummy and daddy to fund their drunken way through university.

Chemical Warfare Suspected at Victoria University

Student Journalists look suspiciously at Craccum

Student journalists suspect there is a plot against them following attempts to gas them out of their new office.

Recently a strange plethora of smells have been present around the Student Union building, resulting in many exclamations of “Holy F***!” echoing around the Atrium.

Student journalists are vehemently denying they are the cause of the sewage-like smells around the Salient and VBC offices and prefer to place the blame on sinister plots from rival universities, aliens, terrorism and/or chemical warfare. A simple explanation of “pipe issues” has been rejected as ludicrous.

The problem is made worse by wafts of chemicals making their way across the Atrium, resulting in a charming cocktail of chemical smells with just a slight hint of poop.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Former News Editor wishes she was the midget

Major babe Rihanna got a lap dance from a midget stripper at her 22nd birthday, People magazine reported.

Rihanna’s rumoured boyfriend, baseball player Matt Kemp, threw the pop star a lavish party in Phoenix, Arizona, on the weekend.

The night culminated with a dance from the female stripper, who was less than 120cm tall.

At time of press, former Salient news editor Laura McQuillan was working up the courage to propose to Rihanna, who she described as “the person I’d turn gay for”.

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