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March 1, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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That Twilight is an intellectual black hole

Twilight is an Intellectual Black Hole

Josh Cleary

There is really no debate here. The faecal smear on the literary canvas that Stephanie Meyer enthusiastically fingerpainted is terrible. The woman’s grasp of the English language is comparable to a lobotomised single-cell organism. (Thank you biology nerds, I’m aware you can’t lobotomise something without a brain. Follow this through to its logical conclusion for me, would you?) The narrative, if one could apply so strong a word, is mediocre. At best. I mean honestly, in a series about teen sexuality, it takes three books of an average 587 pages each for them to actually fuck. 1760 pages of foreplay. This is just stupid.

Onward stupid soldiers. The series itself is a heady combination of that which attacks intellectualism on two fronts.

Front one: It encourages women everywhere to throw away a century of courageous battling for women’s rights. The underlying message of the Twilight saga (Meyer’s term, not mine) would seem to be: the worse he treats you, the more he loves you. Don’t worry if he up and leaves you for another woman, he’s doing it because he loves you. When he watches you sleep without your knowledge or consent, that’s love too. Not creepy. Not at all.

Speaking of creepy.

Front two: If, in our modern enlightened age, there was a 40-year-old man who appeared to be 17 and was hanging around a high school with the express intention of picking up underage girls, we wouldn’t even bother calling the cops, would we? The fact that the ‘love interest’ is over a century old does nothing to improve this situation. It means that this creepy weirdo has been watching girls sleep and hanging around in high schools for at least four generations. How does this idea not send you running for the hills screaming? He could have been dribbling on your great grandmother’s pillow while she slept. And now he’s dribbling on yours.

Look, the bottom line is this: the Twilight saga is a poorly written attempt to suck in the gullible and exploit their deep-seated childhood issues. The fact that people have fallen for it speaks more of the number of people affected by childhood abuse of one form or another and less about the quality of the writing. Or it’s an attempt by the Anunnaki or lizard people to brainwash the world.

Twilight might be an intellectual blackhole, but whatevs yo

Haimona Gray

Ohai! Soz for Josh Cleary, his childhood upbringing with David Koresh has left him immune to the charms of Twilight—he also hates kittens, but I digress.

According to Wikipedia, Twilight is about a 17-year-old girl who falls in love with a 104-year-old vampire, but what is age really? To quote the character Dennis Duffy from the erotic docudrama 30 Rock—“That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22!”

As for the literary merit of the Twilight, WELL! The fourth book in the epic saga Breaking Dawnn\ won the British Book Awards Children’s Book of the Year award. You know who else has won this award? Of course you do—you too have read the Twilight Wikipedia page for 20 seconds while a tad drunk like myself—none other than Ricky Gervais. Does this make Stephanie Meyer the next David Brent? Yes, yes it does.

The Twilight saga is more than just an award-dominating feat of writey—yes, it’s a word [Ed—no it’s not]—genius, it’s also wholesome family entertainment. Don’t be fooled by the feminist rhetoric, aspects of sex and sexuality are deftly handled by Ms Meyer: she didn’t win the Bad Sex in Fiction award for 2005, that was some guy Gilles Coren. Nor has she stated that a friendly acquaintance was raised by cult leader David Koresh.

Her only sin has been to not pander to the effete literati, with their ‘narratives that go somewhere’ and their ‘lack of spine-shattering babies’. They make me sick.

While not technically cannon, the unofficial Twilight cookbook, Love At First Bite, introduces Twilight-reading dames to the value of baking to appease their aged suitors.

In conclusion, the Twilight extravaganza is far from the abomination that Mr Cleary has made it out to be. “Mediocre”? More like media ogre (puntastic), more like Josh Cleary is a media ogre, more like Josh’s face is… Anyhoo. It teaches young girls valuable life lessons, such as the relative nature of age, and the implications of glitter abuse.

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Comments (23)

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  1. Closh Jeary says:

    Today, this guy was asking me for relationship advice. Friends and I were telling him what to do, and he just couldn’t understand. Finally I said, “YOU ARE HER JACOB” and he gave me this horrified look and I knew he understood, Twilight is now my inspiration for relationship advice.

  2. Your Name says:

    josh clearly writes like a 13-year-old angsty teen. I get his argument, but goddamn, that’s some horrible shit to read.

  3. Raptor says:

    Your Name can’t even write his/her own name. Lol. Go smoke a cock.

  4. Closh Jeary says:

    Today, my boyfriend cut the brakes on my car.

  5. Hugh says:

    Haimie, you make me LOL. I’m impressed by your drunk writing skillz/Wiki-trawling, but you should have used the phrase “Somewhere, Nabokov is smiling.” Woulda gone right over these kids’ heads.

    (Also, I thought you were quitting student journalism, hmmm?! What is this.)

  6. Hugh says:

    Oh yeah and not that I like to nitpick or nuthin’ but I believe her name’s spelled “Stephenie,” all fucked up with an ‘e’ instead of an ‘a’. It’s a Mormon thing, probs.

  7. Jesus Christ says:

    Awesome read.

  8. Your Name says:

    No, it wasn’t. Stop carrying water for this unfunny, poorly written pap.

  9. smackdown says:

    stop being rude

  10. smackdown says:

    you too raptor

  11. Name Hater says:

    I totes luv the h20 getting dragged all up in here. Keeps me totes hydrated for my slam dancing.

    Also totes rude-ee-oz from Your Name. What a d-bag. Go perpetuate the Twilight lobotomization process. Tool.

  12. smackdown says:

    pizza pizza

    pizza pie

  13. Hugh says:

    pizza

    french fry

  14. smackdown says:

    gonna have a bad time

  15. Clash Joory says:

    I made out with a dog.

  16. Lushious says:

    Would you, could you, on a plane?
    Would you, could you, with David Bain?

  17. Haimie says:

    I would like to meet this Closh Jeary, maybe over dinner ;)

  18. MBS says:

    whatsa Hamie?

  19. smackdown says:

    cosh jeary my mortal enemy put ’em up

  20. Clesh Jeary says:

    I once made an angry meringue of ALL OF YOUR FACES.
    It was too crunchy.
    Like you all are.
    You are all too too crunchy.

    Like when you step on a chip or grainwave and you’re all “Ouch!”

  21. Chaos says:

    Twilight is a love story about the trials and triumphs of an undead paedophile and an underage necrophiliac.
    If this is your idea of a good time.
    “Writey” really isn’t a word. I promise.
    I must commend many of those who have commented on this post before me. Their contributions make a compelling argument that you CAN lobotomise a single-cell organism, and it will still be able to write meaningless drivel online.

  22. Hank Scorpio says:

    “Their contributions make a compelling argument that you CAN lobotomise a single-cell organism, and it will still be able to write meaningless drivel online.”

    hey great comment oscar wilde

    more like the importance of being earnestly shit at posting comments amirite

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