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March 22, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Uther Dean. Eyeballs the Stars. Flicks life switches.

A look to the stars that foretells the week starting March the 22nd.

If your name begins with A you need to diversify your breakfast routine. Porridge is good, but another three days of that grey yum muck is a good brick in the scurvy wall.

If your name begins with B you need to get better dance moves. Shakey spack in glitter halls is not what your chosen movement village should be.

If your name begins with C you need to stop being self-conscious. Sure your nose looks more like an iceberg of flesh constantly crashing into the rest of your face flesh, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suit you.

If your name begins with D you need to drink more tea. With less milk. Milky sip is always good times, but tannin handshakes need not cow juice.

If your name begins with E you need to eat at home this week. Someone who doesn’t like you is working at that wonderful little café you have just discovered and is slowly moving towards putting their mouth glue in your num nums.

If your name begins with F you need to learn sign language. You have at best a year of hearing left.

If your name begins with G you need to stop torturing your neighbour’s cat. You’re hurting its feelings as well as its whiskers.

If your name begins with H you need to stop washing your hair every day. I don’t care if you think you have to, it’s really weird and can’t be good for you.

If your name begins with I you need to clean your windows. Seriously. There is bird shit all over them.

If your name begins with J you need to start gardening again. All this time spent inside is playing merry hell with your body clock and that is not a good thing. Soon your wash and dry cycles will be but two distant dots to each other.

If your name begins with K you need to be doing your readings. Not just bothering me about doing mine while I’m writing the horoscopes.

If your name begins with L you need to not quit smoking. Your friends are really getting on your back but they’ll get over it if you’re firm. Also, no one likes a quitter.

If your name begins with M you need to remember to start the year better next time. Because this year has hardly been up to much has it?

If your name begins with N you need to get new shoelaces.

If your name begins with O you need really get on top of your finances. You keep buying stuff you don’t need, like that moose head.

If your name begins with P you need a better nickname. P-dog just doesn’t suit you and people snigger behind your back at it.

If your name begins with Q you are Quentin Crisp or Quentin Blake. Congratulations and keep up the good work.

If your name begins with R you need to stop letting your rats piss on you. That shit is gonna make you hella sick soon.

If your name begins with S you need to carry your inhaler around with you a lot more. There are a lot of steep hills in your coming week.

If your name begins with T you need to reply to texts faster.

If your name begins with U you need to clean your room. Seriously. It’s getting embarrassing. I think there are things living in those piles of papers.

If your name begins with V you need to shave.

If your name begins with W you need to see that you are trash. Trash, babe, trash. Throw yourself in the bin. The bin, dear. The fucking bin.

If your name begins with X you’re a xylophone. Or a wanker.

If your name begins with Y you need to get that lump checked. I don’t want to alarm you but it is definitely cancerous. You’ve been a little bit of a silly sausage, haven’t you? You noticed that little mint of odd meat on your side ages ago and you kept meaning to get it checked. But you didn’t.

If your name begins with Z you need to get a hold of yourself.

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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

Comments (4)

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  1. Tam Wurzle says:

    Gor Oi luv yee Uthar. Thee dust warrm thae cakles of moi harrt. Also thou make moi larf und larf.

  2. Wu says:

    Uther. Love your work.

  3. Widow Twanky says:

    I find it bland and over-written.
    There is more to writing than putting words in order, Uther.

  4. H says:

    Dear Uther,

    I have taken your advice – you paternalistic twat – and I feel sticky, STICKY.
    This isn’t just affecting my daily routine, but also those around me.
    If you could hear the cries of ‘why are you wiping your hair on my chest’ and ‘I would keep it, but I don’t think I could cope with the agony of having to raise a mildy greasy haired son’, then you would understand.

    Then you would weep the tears of the mildly uncomfortable.

    Yours in friendship (and secret blood feud), H

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