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March 29, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Uther Dean. Tilts head up. Reads stars.

A horoscopal gaze into the week starting the 29th of March

So, you were born during Summer, I can tell. No, it’s not because of your irrationally smiley disposition. It’s not because of your bottle blonde hair cutting a sear across everyone’s retinas. It’s definitely not because you seem clinically unable to end a sentence with anything other than “…so yeah.” It’s how damn traditionally attractive you are. That’s how I know. Look at you, swanning through life, glazing by on a cloud of blegh and not ever trying hard at anything ever. Oh, how nice for you to let the world just happen to you, just letting all those moments of AHHHHH that all we normies have to live with drip off you like a duck. A traditionally attractive duck. That’s how I know you were born during Summer. No horoscope for you. You don’t need any help. Apart from a good punch.

Ah, born during Autumn, I see. Oh. Don’t worry. Things are going to get better. Things have been hard. Life has been particularly troublesome. Your shoelaces snapped, your teeth are all crunchy, your hair is getting to be just a bit too much of a frizz to be anything other than revolting. You’re close to the edge, close to oblivion. You keep wondering how much worse things will get. Well, one of your relatives is going to die. Soon and suddenly. That’s how much worse things are going to get. But then things will get better. Slowly. But they will. The hurt will depart like soap hugging a shower wall making its way gravitywards. And that will be enough. Things will get better. Not right away. But they will.

Look, just because you were born during Winter doesn’t give you an excuse to be so constantly morose. Seriously, smiles don’t hurt—unless you have extensive and grotesque facial scarring that weeps flesh juice when you happy-face. But you don’t. Your face is fine. It would be finer if you took that constant sneer off it. Life is not nearly as bleak as you think it is. Yes, sometimes it can be hard. Sometimes you’ll stumble and scrape your knee on the harsh concrete of existence. But most of the time everything is fine. You have friends. You have family. You have shoes. Everything is just cake.

Spring people, make up your mind and get on the bus. It’s that easy. Making choices is easy because all you need to do is CHOOSE. Sitting all twitch and head shake makes the world harder for everyone. It is to only a certain degree that never being certain makes you seem intelligent. You are long past crossing that line.

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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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