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April 26, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

In recent days, I’ve become very popular with spammers. It’s probably because my email address is on Twitter (follow me @candybadger!) and because of the Sugar Daddy websites I’ve signed up to (I shit you not; I want me some Chanel).

Mitchell’s emailed again. Last time it was about his Facebook photos, now he wants me to check out a music video which seems to feature a rapper wearing lip gloss.

A friend of his (I assume they’re friends—the hip hop spam community is incestuous) emailed me about some rapper with a song called ‘Lambo’, in which he raps about his pet lamb. His lamb got shot in a drive-by, it was really sad. Everyone should check it out at tinyurl.com/ydx3wga.

The email continues: “If your feeling his vibe and can do something to push him forward then your well appected to coming along in his journey. Also, he’s on the way to getting a record deal with Nappy Boy Digital. yes, so please stay tuned on his career either by helping him out or, Just giving him a stribe to keep going .”

I also had a couple of emails from my ex-boyfriends (I don’t remember them, but I spent a large part of my teenage years drunk).
The first says:

You really got the guts to break up with me,bitch??!?!

Tell you what! I just made a nice compilation of your scenes and put it up for download on http://sharecash.org/download.php?file=639981

Oh and btw: This email just went out to your parents.

I bet they didn’t know you’re into dirty stuff like this.

Cheers!

Your ex

I thought about sending the link to Salient’s Editor to check out, but she’s only young and shouldn’t have to live with dirty visions of me the rest of her life.

My other ex said:

You really got the guts to break up with me over email,bitch??!?!

Tell you what! I just made a nice compilation of your/our best scenes and put it up for download on http://www.envirofile.org/download/28957

Oh and BTW: This email just went out to your parents. I bet they didn’t know you’re into dirty stuff like this.

Cheers!

Your ex boyfriend!

I’d like to explain that I only broke up with him via email because he was always too busy watching World of Warcraft porn to take my calls. He’s the one in the video wearing the battle armour.

And now that those emails are out of the way, here’s my advice for this week!

Rear Randy,

Ri Ranna ry ro Ran Rancisco, rut rat rould rean rending rall ry roney ron rights.

Rand Ri rould rather rave rone rof rose rooning rouches ranyway. Ri ron’t rink rou ret rem ron rab ra reat.

Rat ro ro? Rome ro Ran Rancisco rith re?

RiRustRon’tRow

Dear RiRustDon’tRow,
I know I responded in your unique writing style last week, but it’s just getting a little ridiculous. I can hardly understand you. You want to go to San Francisco? Well you can’t go. Not unless you live in Blenheim. That’s the rules.

Did you also say something about spooning? You want me to come to San Fran with you? You want to spoon me on a flight to San Francisco? I think I’ve got it now.

Sorry, I can’t go. I have a weekly column to write. We could go to San Francisco Bath House, though, and then spoon at my burrow?

Ruch rove,
Randy Radger

Dear Candy Badger

I have an awkward situation at my flat concerning a certain flatmates relationship with a man in his 50s. Shes in her early 20s and they have been “hooking up” as such for the last few months. They have had “the talk” and hes not interested in anything but sex really. She knows hes with another 2 ladies in the same sort of situation but she keeps talking about the long term, and has become really clucky! I know this is going to turn into a fireball of emotion and she takes her anger out on us flatmates regularly, so could you please, dear Candy Badger, give me some ideas on calming tense situations, or even your thoughts on the matter?

Yours sincerely
he-aint-no-george-clooney

OMG.
That is soooo gross. Old people are all shrivelly and shit. If you don’t believe me, type ‘that’s not sexy’ into Google, and click the I’m Feeling Lucky button (very, very not safe for work/life, but a good educational tool on how shrivelly old people can get).

Where does an early 20s chick even find a 50-something man? Sugar Daddy websites or rest home socials, that’s where.

Does she bring him home? Actually, don’t answer. I’m too grossed out. I bet when they pash, he’s all gummy with his no teeth (old people don’t have teeth, you know).

Maybe you could suggest to her that even though he only wants sex, they move in together, into one of those old folks’ home flats, where she can spoon-feed him soft food. Coz she’s now an old person by association.

Do you think she knows she’s taking out her anger on her flatmates? Maybe you should break it to her. And then laugh at her about having old person cooties. And then push her down the stairs.

Best wishes,
Candy

[Editor’s note: This has become a weekly formality, so I feel obliged to write an Editor’s note. And here it is. Also maybe don’t look at those links.]

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