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April 19, 2010 | by  | in News |
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Lol News

Postman Pat Scared of Black and White Cat

Cat sayz you can’t haz mail

It isn’t anthrax or a bomb scare, but an elderly cat that has struck fear in the hearts of postal workers in northern England recently.

Following repeated attacks from 19-year-old ‘Tiger’, Royal Mail have suspended deliveries for two weeks to the cat’s owner, Tracey Brayshaw.

Brayshaw told newspapers she found the allegations hard to believe, as Tiger is usually all about the cat naps.

“If Tiger climbs up a tree he is done in for the rest of the day. We’ve had him since he was a kitten. He has never done anything like what they say he has done before.”

Until the issue is resolved, Brayshaw will collect her mail from the local sorting office.

Good Afterble Father Constanoon

Blood of Christ ‘okay’ for teen drivers

Teen drivers supping on communion won’t face the same penalties as those throwing back Coronas despite the new changes to driving laws.

The government’s proposed zero blood alcohol limit for drivers under 20 won’t affect teenaged communicants driving home after mass, NZ Catholic reported recently.

In responding to concerns raised by the New Zealand Catholic Church, the president of the Police Association said that the changes shouldn’t pose problems, and that it would be fairly easy to tell the difference between drivers returning from mass and those returning from an all-nighter.

Changes to driving laws are expected to be in place by the end of this year.

Porn addiction cripples Swedish train network

Choo choo choo choke

A rail worker’s porn addiction has caused serious problems in the Swedish city of Galve recently.

As well as introducing numerous viruses to the train network’s computer system, the rail-worker also regularly missed shifts or fell asleep on the job following late-night porn viewings.

Investigators found that the network was unable to operate safely in its current state.

Presented with an official warning, the worker has been blamed by bosses for putting thousands of passengers and hundreds of cargo workers at risk.

Teen cuts off penis after getting dumped

‘Cutting off nose to spite one’s face’ taken to new extreme

An Indonesian teenager redefined ‘messy break-up’ after learning his girlfriend intended to marry another man.

The 19-year-old was hospitalised with severe blood loss in Central Java last month when he chopped off his penis and threw it down a well.

Doctors say that the teen, who hasn’t spoken to anyone about the incident, is lucky to be alive.

“Cutting off a penis can be fatal.”

Although the young man recovered from the incident, his dismembered member could not be reattached as villagers were unable to find it.

Oh dear god. Just…no.

Get Patz in your pants

The Twihards have reached a whole new level of just plain wrong.

While fans have been adoring stars for centuries, the latest piece of TwiMerch is beyond words.

If you dream of doing bad things to Robert Pattinson, you can now make him get into your pants. Literally.

And that’s not all… his face is not only printed on the front of the underwear… his mouth is ever-so-conveniently printed inside, with his mouth all snuggled up into your crotch.

The rather unflattering underwear should probably not be worn on a date. And if you are caught wearing them on a random hook-up and the guy likes them, you deserve each other.

All the girls at Salient felt rather ill after reading a write up on these pants… let your imagination run wild with thoughts of what vampires like to drink.

Yup. So very very wrong.

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