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April 19, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Salient rates: ways to keep warm in winter

Holy shit it got cold all of a sudden. Winter is on its way, and we all know how poor and impoverished students are, not to mention how cold and damp Wellington flats are. In the interests of everyone’s health, well-being and general winter happiness, this week your friendly student magazine rates innovative ways to keep yourself warm.

Spooning 9/10

Find yourself someone to spoon over winter. It doesn’t even need to be spooning with romantic intentions, but it helps if it is because it’s cosier. Don’t have anyone to spoon? Why not advertise in the notices page in Salient? Notices can be sent to editor@salient.org.nz with ‘notice’ in the subject line. Describe your ideal winter spoon in 100 words or less please.

Bonus points: If you’re spooning a hot babe and it leads to bangin’. We’re all about the bangin’ at Salient. Ha. Oh dear.

Hugging your hot water cylinder 7/10

This is not really the most practical of suggestions, but if you can’t find someone to spoon, your nice, warm hot water cylinder is the next best thing. There are a number of advantages to the hot water cylinder. Firstly, you can’t really spoon it, so at least everyone’s intentions are clear. Secondly, it doesn’t matter if you’re wriggly, the hot water cylinder isn’t going to tell you off for rolling over multiple times in the space of five minutes. Make yourself at home. Get close with the hot water cylinder. It’s free.

Important point: It sucks if you can’t find your hot water cylinder. Living above a curry shop does the trick just as well. The tandoor acts as underfloor heating. And your house smells like curry. Delish.

Donning a Bain-like jumper 8/10

Head down to your nearest op shop and get yourself a large, gaudily patterned jumper. They are inexpensive and are an essential winter fashion accessory. Not to mention they are warm and can be worn with almost any outfit. Oh so hot right now. It also deflects the attention of onlookers if you’re walking to Metro/the dairy/the petrol station/McDonalds in your pyjamas.

Handy hint: You and your other half (bf/gf/bff/spoon buddy) should totes get matching jumpers. Cute.

Buy a heater and leave it on all day, even if you leave the house 0/10

Do you want your flatmates to hate you? Sure, your room will be toasty warm, but what about your so-called friend who’s stuck in the darkest, coldest, dampest room in the house? How are you going to explain the $900 power bill? Harden the fuck up buddy. Get yourself a Bain jumper, a duvet, a thick pair of socks and an animal hat and you’ll be sweet.

Move out of your flat in Aro Valley 5/10

Didn’t anyone tell you the Valley gets insanely cold during winter? Why did you pick the flat on the shadowy side? Did you not see the mould on the back of the curtains? Almost every single flat within the student rent budget is going to be cold. It will be damp. So why not move into an apartment? Sure, there’s no backyard, but at least it’ll be warm. And you won’t have to mow the lawns.

Pro tip: Look out for flats with DVS, or something similar. At least you know your landlord cares about your health. And one day, you will be able to afford to live in Mt Vic.

Wee in your pants 1/10

You’re only warm for a few minutes. Wait until the cool breeze chills your urine and you’re stuck with wet, cold, smelly pants for the rest of the day.

Go on a tropical holiday 7/10

Get on grabaseat. Book whatever available flights there are to [insert name of Pacific Island here] and find your passport. Enjoy your week basking in glorious sunshine. Who cares if you miss uni? At least you’ll come back with a tan.

Just a thought: if you are concerned about your academic performance, remember there’s a mid-year break coming up! You can always miss the first week of uni, I mean, they only hand out the course outlines and tell you important information about assessments. But that’s all. No real learning involved.

Leave Wellington 3/10

Winters in Wellington always suck. It’s windy. It’s rainy. It’s cold. But at least you’re not living in Dunedin. Wellington is a nice place. Buy a decent coat. Forget about the umbrella.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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