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May 31, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Campy Fadger, 

I have accidentally entered into a long term same-sex relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against queer people (except my penis it seems), I just happen to be straight. Nothing in my life would mortify me more than being accused of homophoba (the worst disease, you can’t love who you want to love in times like these). That’s kinda how the problem started. See I was out at some bar and this guy started hitting on me and I just couldn’t find a point to state the fact that I simply prefer womania to man-chunk and, well, yadda yadda yadda, now we’re moving in together. What do I do? How do I tell him without breaking his heart or looking like a homophobe? 

Love, glove and disco-dancing, 
Grab Can Eddy 

Hola Eduard,
Wow. You fucked up. There’s only one thing to do in such a situation—fake your death. 

Do you go boating? If not, that’s probably even better. All you need to do is somehow get your hands on a boat (I’m sure Salient’s editor is going to write a disclaimer about the magazine not endorsing the theft of boats). The less boating experience you have, the more likely it is that you’d run into boating trouble, right? 

So you need to sail out somewhere, maybe Somes Island or the Marlborough Sounds (people die on boats there all the time). That’s step two. I recommend going alone because then you have no one to fuck up your story. You’re going to need to crash the boat onto some rocks and somehow go missing. Are you a strong swimmer? God, I hope so. To make it even more realistic, why not throw some pirate booty about the deck and spread around some tomato sauce so it looks like you got stabbed (sworded, perhaps) and kidnapped by pirates. 

Alternatively, go out on a boat with someone else (the dude you’re otherwise going to be stuck with for the rest of your life, for instance) and when he’s asleep, spread around some tomato sauce, jump overboard and swim to shore to begin your new life (I recommend avoiding shark-infested waters, especially if you have your period). He’ll go to jail and you’ll be free to live out your days under a newly-assumed identity without fear of running into him in the street. Coz that would be awkward! 

There’s no way it could fail.

Kisses,
Candy 

yoooouuuuuuu.

 
y do gurls luv bieber? he looks like a gurl. totes.
is r pattz still cool?
 
f

Dear f,

Recently my boss told me my hair looked like Justin Bieber’s. I’mma waste that cunt (after I’ve been to the gym a few more times). Maybe girls like Bieber because he reminds them of themselves and is a positive role model coz he eats and shit (not actually because he weighs 40.3 kilograms).

Also, R Pattz never was cool. Not after I saw Jacob’s body anyway. Hohhhhhhhhhh. And since Taylor Lautner’s birthday is February 11, 1992, I only have to wait like eight months till he is half my age plus seven. Ooh baby baby.

<3 Candy

Competitive candy,

I have two friends competing with one another to see who will get the best mark in second semester Mark101.
I want to stir shit and make this bigger than it should be.
I need expert help on how to blow this shit out of the water.
We have a Facebook group.
Help?

Shit-stirring friend.

Dear sir,

When I first read your email, I was all ‘what subject is MARK? Is that, like, MARKING? Your friends studying MARKING?!’ It’s coz you said ‘mark’ twice in one sentence and confused me. Shut up. I also just noticed you say ‘shit’ rather a lot (four times, in fact). And because of this, I will not only help you blow this shit out of the water. I will help you make it a ma-fucken POO EXPLOOOOOOOOOOSION!

First off, you’re probably going to need to get more than 26 people in your Facebook group. Why not give a Popsicle to everyone who invites all their friends? That’s what a chick at my high school did to try to get voted Head Girl (she came second, so it kinda worked). You’ll probably need some better graphics in your Facebook group too. They are laaaaame. They are so lame they look like they were made by the same person who designed that shitarse Stuff.co.nz site (ZING, BITCHES).

Maybe you could even get Salient to write a news story about it. This is the kind of hard-hitting issue that students want/need to read more about.

I’m just fucking with you man, that’s the worst competition idea ever.

Candy

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Comments (5)

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  1. City Morgue says:

    Wow Candy, that’s some fine advise.. well it’s advise, and I think that’s the bit that counts (I particularly like Pirate advise)

    Some of these questions are surely taking the piss. I mean who accidentally moves in with a dude who thinks its a relationship? Surely they kissed and made out a bit first – not in a gay way, just a little man on man loving/rubbing that was clearly mis-interpreted as some sort of sign of affection.

    The sort of mistake we’ve all been through and found ourselves sharing an apartment and bed withI would have suggested if he couldn’t do the pitching because of some blood flow issues, he could always just play catcher and bite the pillow for his new found life partner.

    Keep up the good work and lady like langauge – I’m converted to your wise words and will be checking back for more inspiration.

    City Morgue
    You kill em, we chill em

  2. smackdown says:

    hey city morgue

    hey

    hey

    hey be more funny

  3. Also, every time you used ‘advise’ you should have used ‘advice’. And you seem to insert spaces and hyphens in funny places.

  4. City Morgue says:

    eye dow luv, peepill, thate, corect, gramar – ets sow impurtant

    I do love people who correct grammar. It’s so important.

    :)

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