Viewport width =
May 17, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at

How much cans can candy badger bag if candy badger did bag cans?

Dear person who didn’t even say hi or bye,

I’ve been waiting for someone to ask this question. You’ve probably noticed a lot more badgers working at New World supermarkets around the city in recent times. It’s due to Foodstuffs discovering badgers have the perfect hands (paws?) for bagging cans—much like how Lockwood Smith once said that Asians have tiny hands, perfect for picking fruit.

I reckon I could bag heaps of cans, if I bagged cans. Like, at least ten over a one-minute period. It’d be bag-canalicious.

Candy OUT!

What is the best way to hit someone with out leaving a bruise?

Dear Crumbly,

Isn’t it obvious? Dead bodies don’t bruise. So if you want to beat your kids, but don’t want to leave bruises, make sure you kill them dead first.

If you really can’t kill the bruisee—for example, if you have nowhere to stash the body, no shovel to dig a hole or no car to drive it down to the riverbank—I’d suggest hitting them with something soft, like a cake.


[Editor’s note: Hitting people with cake is much better than killing them. Don’t kill people. You shouldn’t hit people either. Eat cake instead.]


I am Milion, hottest female coming out of Atlanta!! Check out my new single called “Outfit” featuring Yung LA! Hit me up if you feelin’ the song and I’ll come through your spot and show you love!!!

Dear Milion,
If you plan to come through my spot and show me love, you must use protection, and I’m going to need to see a recent STI test result. You’re also going to need to woo me by taking me on a date to the Downtown Local, and picking up the bill.

Candy Vadger

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. There’s a New Editor
  2. An (im)possible dream: Living Wage for Vic Books
  3. Salient and VUW tussle over Official Information Act requests
  4. One Ocean
  5. Orphanage voluntourism a harmful exercise
  6. Interview with Grayson Gilmour
  7. Political Round Up
  8. A Town Like Alice — Nevil Shute
  9. Presidential Address
  10. Do You Ever Feel Like a Plastic Bag?

Editor's Pick

In Which a Boy Leaves

: - SPONSORED - I’ve always been a fairly lucky kid. I essentially lucked out at birth, being born white, male, heterosexual, to a well off family. My life was never going to be particularly hard. And so my tale begins, with another stroke of sheer luck. After my girlfriend sugge