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May 17, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

How much cans can candy badger bag if candy badger did bag cans?

Dear person who didn’t even say hi or bye,

I’ve been waiting for someone to ask this question. You’ve probably noticed a lot more badgers working at New World supermarkets around the city in recent times. It’s due to Foodstuffs discovering badgers have the perfect hands (paws?) for bagging cans—much like how Lockwood Smith once said that Asians have tiny hands, perfect for picking fruit.

I reckon I could bag heaps of cans, if I bagged cans. Like, at least ten over a one-minute period. It’d be bag-canalicious.

Candy OUT!

What is the best way to hit someone with out leaving a bruise?
 
Crumble

Dear Crumbly,

Isn’t it obvious? Dead bodies don’t bruise. So if you want to beat your kids, but don’t want to leave bruises, make sure you kill them dead first.

If you really can’t kill the bruisee—for example, if you have nowhere to stash the body, no shovel to dig a hole or no car to drive it down to the riverbank—I’d suggest hitting them with something soft, like a cake.

Candy

[Editor’s note: Hitting people with cake is much better than killing them. Don’t kill people. You shouldn’t hit people either. Eat cake instead.]

Wassup,

I am Milion, hottest female coming out of Atlanta!! Check out my new single called “Outfit” featuring Yung LA! Hit me up if you feelin’ the song and I’ll come through your spot and show you love!!!

Dear Milion,
If you plan to come through my spot and show me love, you must use protection, and I’m going to need to see a recent STI test result. You’re also going to need to woo me by taking me on a date to the Downtown Local, and picking up the bill.

Keen,
Candy Vadger

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