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May 24, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dearest Candy,

How do you write an awesome hate letter?

Love,

The invisible Unicorn.

Dear Uni,

Generally I like to begin writing hate letters by choosing a pencil. An HB pencil is a fine choice if you’re a beginner. Later on you can move to other grades, or even coloured pencils. The pros just cut out letters from magazines, ransom note-style.

Lots of swearing is key when writing a hate letter. As are violent threats and using the word ‘hate’ at least once every paragraph.

Adding in an illustration of your preferred method of maiming/killing the recipient is also a nice touch.

But the most important thing to know is never, ever burn down their house if they have one of those mailbox slots in their front door, because then your letter will also burn, and your letter-writing efforts (and my teaching) will be in vain.

Yours sincerely,

C. Badger.

I’m also kind of a big deal on the Twitternets at the moment. If you want to tweet me a question, send it to @candybadger. That’s how I got these gems:

My friend recently kissed a guy who’s a bit sensitive. How can I stop her from hurting his feelings?

Flatmate Doer

Not you again! Just jokes (but not actually). Why did you let your friend kiss a sensitive guy in the first place? Sensitive is just a euphemism for LOSER and she shouldn’t be hitting that shit. Solution: Stop doing your flatmate, start doing either Mr Sensitive (loser) or your friend (you know you want to). Then it will be OVAH!!!

Candy

Dear Candy, I think I’ve slept with everyone in Wellington. Where can I meet some new people to do?

Dear person with no name,

High five and a Good Effort sticker for you! Maybe try heading up to Palmerston North for a weekend and picking up a firstie at High Flyers or Scarfies. It’ll be terrible, but variety is the spice of life, or something. For a little less spicyness, make sure you use protection, if you know what I mean (gonorrhoea BURNS).

You’re my hero,

Candy

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  1. Virgin Mary says:

    @ person with no name.
    you havent tapped this shit yet :D

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