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May 10, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Flaming Eagle

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hi gang, Flaming Eagle here, standing in for Candy Badger (or ‘The Enigmatic One’ as we in the relationship advice racket call him/her/it) this week. But never fear, Candy will be back soon as, so sit back and enjoy the Fire edition of Ask Candy etc…

Dear Candy,

My flatmate has his girlfriend over all the time.
And I mean like, alll the time. I am starting to get annoyed.
I like them both, they are cool, but they’ve talked about her moving in with him (and them halving his rent!) and it seems a little unfair on me.
Having one more person in the flat makes a big difference, it seems unfair that I would be paying the same amount as them combined.
I don’t want to cause a drama Candy, what do I do?

Frustrated Flatter

Dear Frustrated Flatter,

Aww poor darling, you are stuck between a fornicating rock and a hard place. Being the third wheel is never fun, but lucky for you there is an easy answer for this one: move out.

They seem to be giving you the hint that they wish for more space to do their gross breeding all over your flat, and We (the royal ‘We’) haven’t managed to make straight people sex illegal yet, so you’re shit out of luck.

Think of this as a good thing, you get to keep your friends and potentially make new ones… unless you move in with our next letter writer.

Dear Pineapple Lumps Vagina,

I have totes probs with comitment (jokes, I can spell).
I’ve been seeing/banging this guy for three months now, he’s really sweet and the sex is very sufficient, but all this happy clappy ‘relationship’ stuff is making me bored.
I want excitement. I want intrigue. I want my name burned into grass with petrol and borderline dangerous level of longing that could be characterized as restraining order worthy.

So Candy, what should I do to spice up my relationship???

K thnks bai, Rita xoxo

Dear Rita,

My advice to you is to seek counselling or therapy, you seem to be sabotaging your own relationships in a sad attempt to create drama, and therefore gain attention.

Boyfriend, if you are reading this: RUN AWAY. To quote the pre-eminent soft rap/r’n’b group of their time Bel Biv Devoe:
“That girl is poison (Poison poison)
Never trust a big butt and smile
Poison (Poison poison)
She’s dangerous
Poison
Oh yeah (poison) oh yeah
(Poison poison)”

[Editor’s note: I suggest you write back next week and ask for Candy’s advice. This guy’s a bit average. And probs don’t listen to anything he says. Same goes for you, boyfriend.]

Dear Candy,

Do you think Justin Bieber will end up looking like Aaron Carter when he is Aaron’s age?

That shit would be gross.

Love, Karl Bronstein

YES

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