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May 24, 2010 | by  | in Online Only |
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Letters

Everyone hated on the newsprint

Dear Sa(y)- what’s that behind the dryer? Oh, it’s just a clump of- lient

A few questions for you:
1. Last year you had an issue printed on recycled paper, why are you not always? Cause you should, specially the sustainibility motion at the VUWSA IGM passed last week

2. @ Sarah Robson, is your hair naturally coloured that way? It’s juicy

3. Can you make Max Hardy be my boyfriend? This is why he should be:
– I would buy a blonde wig and a white dress and sing him happy birthday any time
– I think he is a babe
– We have 3 friends in common on facebook
– My cat has the same name. Coincidence? No, fate.

Much appretiated,
Ta-daaa

McDonalds… Nom…

Dearest Salient,

Be my gym buddy! The last gym buddy i had marched me off to McDonalds straight afterwards and refused to listen to my pleas of the fact that it would undo what we had just done. It was horrid.

I know i should have written this last week but i had sent in my letter too early – 10th of May Salient was the best i’ve read. It’s not just cos it was a feminist Salient, it was just simply interesting articles. Thank you. I also love Disney, so if you can throw in a few more articles now and again i would love you forever (have you ever heard Aladin whisper “take off your clothes” between background noises? it’s AWESOME)

@Pixie (stole this from Bella who i’m going to party in town with on Fridays) – if you’re going to say you’re disappointed in bad grammar, can you please read over your own letter for coherency before you slander others?

@Getting Loose with Your Mum – let’s get drunk in my flat, pretend the floor is larva, then beg my sober flatmate to take us to town. Then we’ll tell all the bouncers what pretty eyes they have (the lotus one DOES have pretty eyes!), and scare everyone with our wild dance moves. Then you should convince me that BK would actually be good for my health.

@OJB (does your name stand for Orange Juice Boy?) – my sheets are newly washed, i have some food stored in my wardrobe, and the bathroom is pretty close. When will you be over?

On the lightest note i can think of – do you know what i really like? YouTube videos about cats. They’re fantastic. You know what i don’t like? When i cross my legs and the foot that is off the ground goes numb. It’s awful. And to try and massage my foot without everyone staring in my tutorial is difficult.

Molly Flower

Fellow fan girls needed

Dear Salient,

I am not a Kiwi or New Zealander for that matter. I extremely love KPop and JPop and I find it extremely difficult to find others that share the same passsion as I am. I am deprived of friends that I can spazz with about my FAVOURITE band of all time; DONG BANG SHIN KI/TOHOSHINKI/TVXQ/DBSK. I arrived here in Wellington three moths ago and I was weeping over the idea that I can’t share my passion to any other fans. I was reading Salient just now and this idea came in my mind and I was like ‘Duh, I should do this long time ago.’

So here I am; advertising for other Cassiopeia of my DBSK/TVXQ. Please contact me at my email address: farah_prong@yahoo.com.my because I am in dire need of other Cassie that can understand me.

P/S: Please don’t forget to type in the .my or the email will bouce and yes, I am a Malaysian student here.

Thanks for reading Salient

Dear Salient,

I, on occasion, like to pick up your publication and hold it in front of my face. While the majority of the content is ignored, I have great interest in the letters you publish. Whether this interest is morbid in nature, I do not know.

In the mass of self-gratifying ego masturbation, bitching about everything and anything that no one cares about, and people whining about their lack of relationships, whilst expecting you to do something about it, there are some real gems.

In particular, is the realisation that humanity is fickle… in a good way, though. You can never know what to expect. This letter, for example, could yet digress into any of the things I just mentioned in spite.

I intend to make a habit of writing, pending a measure of the entertainment value this provides. Perhaps to spread some love, perhaps just propaganda.

But as a first order of business, I’d like to declare that I am greatly in agreement with M’s letter about hugs and paper bags. (Especially the part about hugs) And we already have colour coordination. It’s called thursdays in black. It would be nice if more people knew about it. If only there was some kind of publication that
could explain it in a short article.

As a sign of good faith, I’ll leave you all with an epigram about love. We like love, don’t we? Surely we must…

May it be
Seen in the sea
That silence is profound.

In the uproar
Surely the shore
Would rather it be drowned.

So allow me
To hear just your beat
And take me from the sound.

Yours, with cynical affection,
YYise

Yeah, we kinda shouldn’t have to translate your press release to get that. Media fail.

Dear Spelling-lient,

I am stoked to be in the same league as Milkshakes McCaff now that we’ve both been ripped out by you.

Once deciphered our press release was pretty sweet: Fee maxima are dumb and have to go if we want quality education for everyone, no matter when they enrol.

But I’m really writing because I would love to win that VicBooks voucher so I can buy myself a dictionary.

Hugs and kisses,

LOL-ren (Lauren) Brazier
Chair
Young Nats Lower North Island.

Clogs

I’m writing in support of clogs. Mine are the most comfortable shoes I own. They have superior arch support, they get me up and down the Brooklyn Hill, and they give me a much-needed extra five centimetres of height. These are all very good things. And they don’t swell up in the rain. Don’t be hatin’.

Yours,

Happy Clogger

We like you too

Dear Salient,

I just caught the bus home 2 hours too early – i actually had another 2 lectures to go too but i was far too tired because i had stayed up all night doing an assignment. Ever since beds at uni was mentioned, i can’t stop thinking about it. If only it was true i could have slept for an hour and gone to my last lectures.

Beds are a seriously good fucking idea. I’m sure the uni must have a few spare rooms dotted around the place (please don’t hurt me with your words if they don’t). The rooms would have dim lighting, no talking, and comfy couches. No couples, no kissing, and no giggling. Just for some seriously tired uni students.

I’ve once resorted to finding an empty corner in one of the buildings and having a wee nap, only to find myself being woken by about 30 students waiting next to me before their lecture, all discussing if i had died. The shame.

How do i go about proposing this idea? Ah my head hurts.. sleep time.

I like you Salient.

Lucy

There’s gonna be another letter like this?

Part 1 of 2

Had the motion sensor stopped? Even if it had, I could still hear it. The incessant beeping had burnt itself into my mind. I looked at it. No movement. It was the first time it had stopped in over 24 hours. Tears came to my eyes. I blinked them back. I needed the fluid. I was the last one left of my squad. 3 days ago, 12 of us came to this backwater hellhole. By the next sunrise, 4 were left. 27 hours later I was alone. Gardiner, Stone, Lee, Santiago Gomez Ramirez del Castile y León: All of them like hunks of flesh thrown into a grinder. My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound:

Beep.
30 metres.
Beep.
I cocked my pulse rifle.
Beep.
18.4 metres.
Beep.
Fumbling for my last flares.
Beep.
3 metres.

The motion sensor was quiet. I looked at the vents above, and saw it…

Cindi Lightballoon

PS. My male readers love bush. Ladies: let’s just keep it tidy.

Rude.

To the rude boy who replied to the notice I posted for Ashley.

Your immature, sexist, dirty texts made you look very very silly.

I don’t quite understand what you got out of telling me to “put a cock” in me.

Frankly I couldn’t think of anything less appealing.

And yes I am not beyond ringing telecom and reporting you,

nor giving your number to the police and reporting being sexually harassed.

I certainly hope you have learnt not to pry or poke in other

peoples business, nor to talk to a lady in that way again.

It saddens me to think anybody smart enough to be at university would be

stupid enough to text like this.

Think next time before you text.

Love

Sick of silly first years

How to write a personals ad

Okay so I don’t know if anybody else has happened to have noticed this but most of the adds “looking for love”, “in need of a spooning partner” or just “wanting sex” have failed epically to advertise themselves.

Point 1: It is important to note what sex you are, unless of course you swing both way, in which case you should mention this anyway.

Point 2: You should also state what gender takes your fancy. How on earth you figure you will find anyone with an add that says meer snippets about yourself is totally beyond me.

Point 3: Some form of contact details might also be helpful, the number of times there have been letters looking for normal lesbians but haven’t mentioned how to contact them is infuriating.

This is the personals etiquette. Make a note of it now and stick to it!

Oh and I am one of those normal/femme lesbians. – see how helpful that was.

And if you want you can contact me by emailing pink_pippi_19@hotmail.com

Provider of wisdom

Get the fuck off Facebook

I know this issue has already been discussed in Salient’s fine pages. However. I feel things need to restated:

If you are in the library, on the computers, do not use facebook. Seriously, bitches, please.

It is getting to the point of trimester when people actually need to get uni shit done. Oddly enough, lecturers don’t accept hand-written essays. Therefore, I, and others, need to use the aformentioned library computers to type our essays.

Thus, on Monday morning, when there is usually a fuck-off big line to use the computers, and I see you checkin’ out your mates’ Big K drunk pics on facey-b, I will no longer just death-stare at the back of your head. Now, I will either:

a) Tell you that you and your mates are all fucking mingas, and that no one wants to see your photos
b) Beat the shit out of you
c) Ask whether you actually need to “get uni shit done?”

Whether a), b) or c) gets chosen will depend on how much coffee I have had that particular morning. Also, please note, I am small and blonde and totally prepared to subvert gender-stereotypes by king hitting you with a rolled up DomPost (as an aside, mad props to the DomPost for free newspapers). However, to conlude –  don’t facebook when on the library computers.

Seriously, bitches, please.

Using Dom Posts for an approriate purposes

Ruh roh!

Dearest Salient,

I found a USB pendrive that belongs to Christina Allen today. Looks like some important assignments contained therein. If you could just put the word out to email me – macken_it@hotmail.com – if she, or one of her friends sees this (They should be able to describe it). That would be grand. Need more honest people round this place methinks.

Regards,
Thatguywiththemullet.

Kia ora

Dear Salient,
I refrain from submitting a letter which endeavours to advance my love life or to detest Joel Cosgrove, as is often the case with the charming letters to the editor. My plight is actually different, and it is that of simple congratulations. I want to thank you for putting forth the abortion issue onto  a stage that we can all debate. As a student who practices safe sex and is in a monogamous relationship, the issue of unwanted pregnancy still remains an important factor. The perception of girls who get abortions is often generalised to that of promiscuous or foolish girls, but it can, in fact, happen to any girl who engages in sexual activity; be it with contraception or otherwise. As society liberalizes it should be expected that government policy accommodates this change. If I were to get pregnant, should I chose to terminate it, I would not want to deem myself mentally unstable just so I can get the procedure. Perhaps in an idealised world we would all remain abstinent till marriage and procreation would always be the result of a loving relationship, but that is simply unrealistic in modern society. While emphasis should be placed on practicing safe sex, I think it is also important that abortions should not be the elephant in the room that we try to hide under a lampshade. In New Zealand 1 in 3 women who fall pregnant will have an abortion, so why deny the stats?
>insert pseudonym

Recycling: the way of the future

To Gaia-lient,

Ok, maybe i’m a little slow on the uptake but…WTF?! We RECYCLE now?! How freaking AWESOME is that?!

I stumbled upon my first green bin on the overbridge today and almost peed myself. I, for one, LOVE recycling in a big way and am stoked to see Vic catching on! My only question is, where are all the other bins? I drink Coke at multiple locations and can’t be coming to the overbridge every time I need to get my green on. Can we sort it out Vic and get some more green bins out there?

I’m sick of bin diving and leaving with a trolley of plastic on my way home. The Planeteers and I find The Terrace isn’t the most trolley friendly street and the train conductors tend to have a mare.

Get me some green? Please?

Love,

Linka

Another kia ora

Hello, friendlient.
Your feminist issue was a blast! The woman who wrote in about having an abortion. I love you, you should not be living your life in shame Or guilt. Your article was really moving.

Once I thought I was pregnant, ha-ha. Hiliarious story now that I think about it because I was virgin when I thought I was pregnant and hell it was the scariest experience of my life. When you think you’re pregnant your body ACTUALLY acts like it is. To the point I realised what it was like to be in that position and realised that it was more than likely that I would have had an abortion and felt exactly the same way that you do. However, I turned out not be pregnant took a pregnancy test in the highschool loos, my boyfriend said I told you so you silly girl that a bit of tumbling around on the river bank can’t get you pregnant. I believed I was the next virgin Mary. Don’t laugh at me… yeah ok I am pathetic.

Now for a fantastic poem.
My best friend.
Blonde Hair.
Pale skin.
You are a sexy dish.
Dont worry we’ll find you someone soon
Or I guess you’ll have to use a spoon!

FoxMulder

You write the crosswords then.

Hi,

If I’m correct in my reasoning, 18down in the crossword this week should have been ‘terms’.. periods and conditions.

If I’m correct again, 22across should have been ‘flare’.. that burning cut of pants.

This means the crossword was fucked, cause the words dont even match up so I can’t even finish it properly.

Wah, wah, fuckitty wah, you say, but I am a disgruntled honours student so am allowed to be pissed.

Get the fuck out of my computer labs and hallways!

With love,

Pissed Honours student

Smokin’

Dear Bully Boy/Pocahontas,

Why every smoker has the right to complain?
The media figures given of smoker’s cost on the health system are grossly exaggerated. A quick search finds that smoking-related illnesses cost the health system about $200million annually. This was in 1992, with inflation we can increase this but $1.9billion is rather extreme.

How much smokers pay in tax? Given 4.2 million NZers with a smoking prevalence of 23.5% (2006) is about 1 million smokers. Given 24c tax per cigarette excluding GST (2000) and assuming the average smoker smokes 20 a day, we get about $1.7billion annually. With increased tax since 2000 this figure is actually higher and probably greater than the $1.9billion annual cost of smoking-related illnesses given by the media.

Smokers actually pay more than there share of the health care bill. This ridiculous argument against smokers is discriminating and a blatant lie by the government and media. Governement lies influences people’s decisions and give the government the power to pursue their own agenda and take away people’s rights.

Smokers should be complaining! Everyone should be! This tax rise isn’t just an attack on smokers rights, the consequences of allowing the government this much power is terrifying and if left unchecked could lead to an attack on all NZers rights. Now, with unlimited political party funding, an attempt to shift towards a lesser democratic form of government and the use of government based, media spread lies we look like a country heading in the wrong direction.

Lots of facts

Salient personals, baby

Loooooooving

Dear Lovelient,

It seems there’s just one thing on everyones minds these days.

Getting some loving.

It’s getting rainy,

and miserable,

and stressful,

and lonely,

and everyone is craving some LOVE.

If you want some loving, let’s hang out.

You are keeeen ;)

Meet me in the quad this monday.

I’ll be there 11am – 1.30pm.

Regardless of your gender, race, height, size, religion, hotness rating, I want to meet you and love you.

You’ll know me when you see me.

Lots of love,

Loveaddict

Bachelorette

To the Salient personals, and the cute boys of Vic,

Me: 5’7, slim, brown hair, doing a BA in Humanities. Likes trees, sleeping, and nice people.

You: taller than me, good-looking, honest, and kind. You would try and make me laugh, and want to spend time with me. You are interested in thinking, and would feel extremely loser-ish for responding to this. You can get girls but are rather lazy. You’re getting cold over winter.

yellowlight@live.com

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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